I'M NOT HERE | s.stan

038. exactly what you run from you end up chasing

I did not reply to that text at the moment, why would he care if I was with Chris or not? To be fair, Chris was like his best friend, so I can't really argue. I tried to ignore him the best that I could, tried distracting myself with TV, started doing schoolwork, painting, cooking, but the conversation kept playing over and over in my head depending on what answer I gave him. Maybe I should say it was a date! Or that we fell in love! Or that we're planning to rob a bank, just to spite him. But there always another option, the truth. It seemed as if the truth was the most volatile response I could give right now. "Yeah, Chris and I were just talking about you and what happened between us."

I would seem nosy and annoying, which I was, but that's not the point. As if that hadn't already been clouding my mind all day, he calls me. Three times, and on the fourth time, I was just staring at his caller ID.

Don't pick up. Don't pick up. Don't. Pick. Up.

"Hello?"

"Kay, where've you been? I've been trying to call you the whole day."

"Oh, nowhere. Hanging out."

Hanging out? Really?

"Okay, anyways. What were you doing with Chris the other day?" He asked, voice full of curiosity and a little bit of jealousy.

"I-" I searched inside my tiny brain for a good, fool-proof answer.

"We were on a date?" I confirm although it came out as more of a question. I hear silence on the other line, followed by a sigh. "Really?" He asks, amusement was evident in the tone he was speaking in. "Obviously not. We were just hanging out." I reply with sarcasm. It was my only defense at this point, sarcasm.

"Why didn't you invite me?" He says, I can almost imagine him pouting after saying that. And I forgot how much I missed that.

"Oh, I don't know. I guess we forgot." Is all I say, "Anyways, I gotta go. Talk to you later?"

My heart was pounding, and the more I heard his voice, the more I missed him. And the more I missed him, the more my heart-ached. Isn't it weird how you can actually feel it in your chest and stomach when something is really upsetting you? That was what was going on with me right now. I felt as if I got punched in the chest, and like I was free-falling from a skyscraper with infinite levels.

"Wait- Kay-"

I hung up the phone as fast as I could. And the tears started to well up in my eyes but I blinked them back. Maybe a walk might help, after all, it usually calmed me down. So, I grabbed my jacket, house keys, and phone to head out for a nice walk down the neighborhood. It was just bustling cars and people, but the music in my headphones kind of blocked everything out.

"running out of time,
running out of time,
running out of time,
to make you love me."

I cringed and paused the song immediately. "Not today, Tyler, the Creator." I said to myself, switching another song.

"if he's a serial killer,
then what's the worst
that can happen to a girl
who's already hurt?
i'm already hurt."

"Fuck." I cursed, "Not that one either." Why were all of these songs reminding me of Sebastian? "No more songs." I said to myself as I closed my phone and continued a walk. There were a lot of interesting people on the street. A homeless man with his dog, a group of teenage friends, some kids in the park, multiple couples. It felt lonely to be out here alone. Until I found myself staring at a certain couple on the street. It was a random girl, and...Sebastian? I had to do a double take with my blurry vision.

It couldn't have been Sebastian. Unfortunately, he had his back turned to me and I couldn't make out his face. Until he turned around, and it wasn't Sebastian. It was a stranger, a completely random guy.

Jeez, Kay. Get a grip.

I walked further and further away from my house. There were probably at least three instances where I thought I saw Sebastian, but it was never him. Mindlessly walking through the streets of New York with no sense of direction whatsoever might sound like a bad idea to you, but to me, it was completely normal at the time. My head wasn't thinking straight. Every thought, every feeling all lead back to Sebastian.

The road kept getting more and more familiar but I was just going where my feet took me.

I didn't realize until it was too late, that I was walking to Sebastian's. I didn't realize until I found myself knocking at his door, and crying when he opened it. I didn't notice how much I was thinking about him while I was trying to block him out of my life. Didn't notice how much I needed him until he sat me down on his couch, wrapped me in his arms, and held me until I stopped crying.