I'M NOT HERE | s.stan

029. wishful thinking

I think I was learning that you never notice the value of something until after you've lost it. Sebastian and I waited for another week before breaking up. Then, we told everyone it was just a fling. Josh was weirdly suspicious because he'd usually let things go pretty easily if it didn't have anything to do with him. Joane, on the other hand, was almost overjoyed. She had been in a good mood ever since we broke up. I wasn't surprised at all.

"I think she just likes to watch me wallow in self-pity." I tell Tiffany as I blankly stare off into the abyss. She rolls her eyes, "You're so dramatic. And I thought you wanted this? To break up with Sebastian. Why are you acting like you're actually in love with him?"

I scoff, "Um, no I'm not. I'm fine. But obviously I have to act like I'm sad or else no one would buy it, right?"

"Well, I don't think Sebastian's acting." She says in a high voice. "Huh?" I ask expectantly, turning to look at her. Tiff examined her nails with a bored look. "I ran into him today at the supermarket. He was buying a six-pack Corona and some junk food. And a lot of blueberries, like A LOT. The guy's obsessed with em'."

"Don't be dramatic, I'm sure he's just going to hang out with Joane. I told him to do that." I brush it off, but a part of me doesn't even believe myself.

"She's going to cuff him. I bet you 30 bucks."

-

After another week, the four of us decided to go watch a movie, Josh as my date. Joane was Sebastian's. It seemed perfect to me, but something felt off. I couldn't stand to watch them hound over each other like they were hungry for affection. I have no idea why. To be fair, their PDA was all over the place. Josh and I kept it PG-13 to say the least, I didn't want to be with him just yet. I had to keep up my act.

From what I heard, Joane and Sebastian were already dating, but they denied it. I could care less, or rather I had forced myself to care less. In reality, I wanted to know everything. What base had they gotten to? How long? Were they thinking of getting serious? I knew I couldn't ask these things, it was not my place to know.

Back to the present, we were watching another generic horror movie with pointless jump scares I could care less about, but it did seem fun to watch with Josh. Who knows, maybe we might even get past the awkward stares. I wanted to hold his hand and do...other things, but I didn't want to be seen as the girl that moved on from one boy to another.

"You cold?" Josh asked after he noticed me shivering a bit. I nod, and suddenly I feel a warm hoodie gently thrown on my shoulders. "Y-you can have mine if you want." He says, looking away. I smile warmly at him, "Thanks." I place a quick kiss on his cheeks and he tenses up. Wow, who knew Josh was so easy to embarrass? I knew a lot of things about him, but he's never looked at me in a romantic way, so I had no clue about him when he liked me.

Joane was basically holding on to Sebastian next to me as the movie progressed. She seemed afraid, but in reality she was probably just overreacting. It's an old trick she used to do when we were little so she could get what she wanted. Not that it mattered anyways, Joane always got what she wanted.

I knew I liked Josh, so why was I so hung up over Sebastian?