I'M NOT HERE | s.stan

015. you shouldn't need her

The sound of clattering and chaos outside woke me up almost immediately. The yelling outside my room was so loud, it hurt to hear it. Quickly, I put on a sweater and some pants, and walked out to see what was going on.

"You told them?!" Joane yelled, her words were slurred, and she looked like a mess. Sebastian was trying to calm down, but he himself didn't look too good either. Poor Josh could do nothing but watch.

"Joane, calm down. It wasn't that serious."

"It's not that serious?" She asked, her voice predominantly louder than Sebastian's. "If they find out I borrowed that amount of money from you - in cash, they're going to get suspicious!"

"It just slipped out! I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry!" Sebastian replied. Joane stopped throwing things at him, but there were already multiple plates, pots, and pans on the floor. Some broken, others dented.

"How do you know we're not suspicious?" Josh interrupts, he seemed mad. I didn't know he knew about it. I figured it was just Sebastian and I. "Come on, you guys, you know me." She gestures confidently to both Josh and Sebastian, but they don't share the same look. Suddenly, the faith she had in them disappeared in the blink of an eye. I'm not entirely sure what happened after that, but everything seemed so shitty. I didn't want it to be the first thing that I saw once I woke up, so I quietly tip-toed away back into my room to shower.

When I was done, they were finally through with the fighting. But Joane was gone, Josh was on the couch. He was looking glum, Sebastian was nowhere to be seen. I didn't want to seem like I was nosy, so I sat beside him and scrolled through the channels on the TV.

"Hey." He says, glumly. I smile at him in response. "Why is everyone looking so...down?" I ask, even though I already knew everything. "The three of us just had like...an argument. It was weird."

I act surprised, "Oh? What happened?" He shrugs, "We think Joane's using...again." I was genuinely surprised that he caught on so fast. "Shit." I curse, staring off into space. I can feel Josh staring at me. "We're not sure, but she got mad that we would say that. To be fair, she hasn't relapsed in like what-two years?" Josh mumbles to himself. I nod approvingly, resting my hand on his as reassurance. He takes my hand in his and squeezes it.

"Oh god, I hope she really isn't doing what I think she is. I need her, so bad."

You shouldn't need a person. You shouldn't need anyone to depend on but yourself. It's a lesson I learned from always being the single one in my friend group. If you find yourself needing a person, then good luck. No one knew this about me, but I like to indulge myself in whatever drama that was happening at school. I liked to judge people, too. But I always kept that to myself, and I think that's what makes me better than most people.

I find Sebastian sitting on the porch, head in his hands. Quietly, I sit next to him, looking at him. He looks up at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen. "Hey." He says, I almost didn't hear it. I pass him a weak smile in response. "Are you okay?" I ask, my voice the same volume as his. He nods, "I think so."

"What do you mean..'you think so'?"

He gives me a look, I don't know what it means but I shut up immediately. His faces softens. "I don't know. She's probably relapsing again, it sucks. I don't know why, after 2 years, she's doing it all over again."

I choke back the words that were going to spill out of my mouth and nod instead. I hid my pain well, which is why I saw Sebastian's so clearly. And why I wanted to do what I could to make his go away. The thing about living with an addict, you never know when to trust them. Every noise, every sound, every creak on the floorboard, it could mean they were doing something they weren't supposed to. When she stopped doing drugs, I had to listen to Joane fall asleep to make sure she was actually asleep. Some days she would. Other days, she'd sneak out and take the car.

When I think about where it all started, I realize that it had already ended before it began. We were born into a family of stress and pain. Both of us were. But I guess I had learned how to deal with it in a healthy way, Joane didn't.

We ate dinner in silence that night. Josh left early, for some reason. It was weird because he was always the last one to leave. Sebastian looked like he was on the verge of crying. "Do you want to stay the night?" I ask, softly. I was afraid that any wrong word would trigger him to cry. He nods shortly, his eyes not meeting mine.

"Okay." He says.

"Okay." I echo.

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