A Door That Closes Too Soon

22 - A Kid Who's Lost Control

Take a moment to appreciate the lack of warnings.

So, he was dead. Connor Murphy was dead. Death wasn't as bad as he thought. He watched. He went unconscious for a while, and when he awoke, Evan Hansen was hugging his dead body. He and Jared were both crying.

Of course it was them who had found him. His family hadn't cared enough.

The good thing about being dead was that Connor at least had his memories back.

He knew that his body was still in the hospital. They said he was basically hanging on by a thread, something like that. He noticed that people kept calling him dead anyways, like they had no hope. They threw around a few percentages, but nothing stuck in his mind, and after a day, talk of his survival ceased all together.

He, or at least his ghost, whatever he was, followed Jared and Evan around. He wasn't visible as far as he could tell, but he couldn't walk through walls or anything. He hadn't actually tried being seen. He just followed Evan or Jared home, sometimes even looking at his family.

Then one day he tried. Jared and Evan had gone into his bedroom. Connor watched Jared give Evan some of his anxiety medicine. He felt a little bit off guilt at the fact that he had caused Evan to be even worse mentally than he had been before.

Both boys sat down on the bed. They started talking. Connor watched, wishing he could add things to the conversations. Jared hugged Evan, and when he let go, Connor found himself wishing that he could hug them both.

Connor glanced at Jared's wrist. His flower was still there. The same was true for Evan's wrist.

The world went black again, the way it had before he died. But he was still conscious, the way someone would be when they're half awake. And Connor realized that he was in a bed. He opened his eyes and made an attempt to stand, figuring he had been transported to some sort of purgatory, that those days of wandering were akin to punishment for killing himself, for inflicting sadness onto his family and friends.

He felt dizzy when he tried to sit up, and he was immediately pushed back down by a man. His eyes took in the situation. The man was his dad, and he wore a relieved grin. Connor tried to push his dad away. The heart rate monitor went wild.

"Connor, Connor calm down," Larry said quietly, still smiling. Connor smiled a little too, albeit a bittersweet one. Larry was forced to leave the room, and a doctor came in to ask some mandatory questions as well as providing him with water. Connor felt like a specimen in a lab, which he supposed he was, in a way.

The questions were easy enough, how was he feeling, what was his name, things like that. Only when his father was let back in did he realize. He had his memory back.

"I called your mother." Connor knew that Zoe would call Jared and Evan as soon as she was informed. "How are you feeling? The doctor told me your memory was back."

Connor nodded. "I'm alright. My head hurts. I thought...I thought I was going to die."

Larry sighed. "So did we."

"I wanted to die," Connor said quietly. He felt vulnerable, but he wanted someone to hug him, preferably his mother, Jared and Evan being a close second.

"Connor...," Larry said, shaking his head.

"I know, I'm an idiot, I'm the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Save me the lecture," Connor said bitterly, looking away.

"Connor, you are one of the best things that's ever happened to me." Connor looked up. There was sincerity in his father's eyes. "I'm hard on you. I know. I just want you to be okay. It's hard to do...for all of us." Connor felt tears threatening to fall. Then they did, they started trailing down his face.

"Fuck," Connor mumbled.

"Language."

After a few agonizingly quiet minutes, the door creaked open, revealing Cynthia, Zoe, Jared, and Evan. All four were wearing black.

"Hey," Connor said quietly. Seeing Jared and Evan's faces made him feel breathless once more. Evan smiled, looking like he had cried on the way here.

Larry stood up, looking at Cynthia. "I should go, let the four of you talk to him."

"No," Cynthia said. "He's still your son."

"Connor and I have already talked," Larry responded. Then he made his leave. Cynthia followed him, looking upset. Connor felt that happiness from the earlier discussion fade, replaced by an uncharacteristic nervousness.

"So, Murphy, any other plans to give us heart attacks?" Jared asked, sitting in the spot where Larry had been sitting. His usual sarcastic tone was there, but there was a hint of sadness as well.

"Sorry," Connor replied, addressing all the others in the room.

"Don't be sorry," Zoe told him. "You were...you weren't happy. You thought it was the only option."

Jared laughed. " 'Not happy' would probably be an understatement, Zo." Connor chuckled at the joke. Evan was yet to speak.

"Come here, Ev." Connor spread out his arms. "Everything's okay now, see? I'm alive and well." Evan nodded and sat beside Connor, who wrapped his arms around him.

"And you remember us?" Evan asked.

Connor nodded. "Yeah, Tree Boy. I remember you guys.

Coming to a close like really soon but I have two other ideas in the works (would it surprise you to learn that one is yet another tree bros one and the other one is boyf riends? it might be sincerely three actually idk quite yet)

~ DJ