All I Ever Wanted

Chapter Forty-Four

The trees grow high above me but bushes and ferns begin to crowd the further into the mini wood I venture. There are gravestones in here too. Some are old and some are new. I see one that is just a pile of crumbled bricks.

I sit there a while careful building up the fallen structure. I pick some beautiful wildflowers and place them on the grave before continuing on my way to nowhere. I stumble upon a grave that I would estimate to be five years old. However the name leaps out at me. 

I hear a noise behind me. I quickly spin around to see a breathless Phoebe. Her eyes are teary and a few have spilt down her face. She breathes deeply and whispers almost to quietly for me to hear. "I don't understand."

Her face is open honest. There's no doubting her, not that I ever would. She take my silence as a cue to continue. "Why did you let us go back?" 

"What do you mean Phoebe?" I ask confused. She knows as well as I do why.

"I don't remember. The nurse said I blocked it out because I was so scared. She wouldn't tell me what happened. Not even a little bit." Phoebe hugs herself and looks to me. "What did I forget?"

She doesn't remember. I close my eyes and flop to the floor. I bury my head in my hands. I'm such an idiot. She doesn't remember a single little thing. I skip over the first part. "We got out of the car. I was standing in between you and father. You rushed ahead, I asked you to choose. You chose..." I break off for one moment to collect myself "Him. You chose him." 

Phoebes eyes widen and I can imagine the thoughts swirling around her head. "I'm sorry Emma."

She doesn't mean sorry, I made a mistake. She means I'm sorry, I made the right choice. "Yeah, well. You didn't hear the end yet."

Phoebe becomes a shade paler. Maybe two. I take this as my cue to continue "He pulled out a knife." I take a few steps towards Phoebe. I trace the exact place he put the knife. "And held it against your neck."

Phoebes lip trembles. She speaks below a whisper "Your lying."

I smile sadly. "Would I lie to you?"

Phoebe says nothing. Then she speaks, slightly louder than last time. "Never with words." I let every emotion I'm feeling play across my face. Just once, for one tiny second. But it's enough. Phoebes breath catches and tears spill down her face. She leans into me and cries. 

I ruffle her curls comfortingly "It's okay Phoebe. Everythings okay now."

Phoebe mumbles into me "No its not! I ruined everything. After everything you did... I picked wrong Emma. I picked wrong. I'm going to fix it. I promise..."

I stroke her curls. "Don't make promises you can't keep." I say, too low for her to hear.

Moments later Mike, Layla and Abe come, loudly crashing into view. They become silent as they take in the grave. I follow there gaze.

I squint at the gravestone. I might be mistaken but the name certainly looked like Luke James. I know where I'd heard that name before, it's Mikes brothers headstone. I look down upon the grave. I feel miserable on Mike's behalf. He probably hasn't visited here in a long time.

I realise would have liked to have met Luke, got to know his personality, see if he was like Mike, what they had in common. But Mikes words ring in my head. Either him or me. And I'm secretly glad it was Mike. I collect a bunch of flowers and set the carefully down.

Abe and Phoebe are unsure as to what is going on so they disappear into the woods. The silence that ensures is neither uncomfortable or comfortable, it merely is. Then Layla breaks it with soft spoken words. "He shouldn't have died."

I silently agree with her. Mike simply says "It should have been me."

Layla wraps her arm around him and leans her head into his shoulder. "But then I never would have met you."

A white feather lands on the gray, stone grave. There's always a slither of hope in the darkness. Its what you do with it that really matters.

The silence is peaceful and we eventually head into the trees to find my sister and Abe. We find them kneeling close together, playing a game of some kind. I regret I have to interrupt. "You guys can play here for a while, but please don't go to far." With that I melt into the trees. Back at the service people are clearing away. I bump into Asha and her parents.

"How you holding up?" Marie asks.

I shrug. "Okay, considering everything." Maybe.

Steve interrupts "And Phoebe?"

"A lot better than expected." I say truthfully. I glance down at baby Asha cradled in Steve's arms. I smile genuinely at her. I wave goodbye to Marie and Steve unsure whether I can get through this conversation without weeping. 

Next I meet with Jamie and Lee. Lee nudges me encorouging me to speak. I humour her "It went okay."  I'm speaking generally about everything, unsure about what she wants to know.

Then Jamie rolls her eyes "With all the tears anyone would think it was a funeral!" That brings a small, hesitant smile out of me. I've never had friends before, but I've decided I like it. We link arms and wonder off to find Phoebe and Abe. Jamie makes bad jokes and Lee pulls humorous faces in an attempt to fix a smile on my face. It sort of works too.

I've decided I've found my piece of hope, and I was blessed with more of it than most. I have people who are there for me and a future I can do almost anything with. I'm upset about grandmother obviously, but I accept it. I never would have met Marie, Steve and Asha if she had lived. I'm sad I almost lost my sister, but its okay now. Everything seems perfect.

So why doesn't it feel that way?