Sweater Guy and Cubicle Girl

Office Parties are Lame

Office parties suck. They're lame and boring and the music is always dull and it's the office so we can't even converse about normal topics It was Corey's first office party though. He was only excited that there would be food. The office party was to start at 3:00 in the afternoon and Corey spent the entirety of the day daydreaming about what food was coming.
"What if they ordered catering? No- What if it's just subs? Ew-I mean I'd still eat it but ew. You think there'll be cookies?"

"I don't know Corey, the food at these parties always varies. It could be anything from a small fruit platter to Cheesecake Factory catering." I said, trying to concentrate on my work.

Corey sighed and went back to his desk. I was more excited about the night. It was Connie's birthday and we had a big surprise for her. Corey told us this sad story about how when she was in high school she always wanted to be invited to a slumber party or have her own one but all the girls thought she was tall and scary so they never invited her. I thought 'poor Connie.' So we planned a slumber party for her birthday! It was going to be me, Corey, Kathy, and Connie. We planned to do all of the stuff that comes with teenage slumber parties. Anyways, it was just about time for our office party to start and John was being a dick. John had planned the whole party, sometimes he reminded me of Angela, the party planning dictator from The Office. Mary had made some brownies for everyone hoping to be able to set them on the table with the other food but John, being an absolute dickhead said, "No ew, Mary you cannot put your little homemade brownies next to my very expensive, very high class catered food."

Mary apologized and walked away sadly with her plate of brownies. Corey wasn't having it at all. "Johnathan you little son of a bitch, you little bitch, I swear to gawd if you don't let her put her brownies out I'm going to kick you."

Everyone audibly agreed, all turning against John. "Fine. Quiet down everyone she can bring her brownies. But you do realize that fat ass over there only said that so he can get his little sausage fingers on these." He said very snootily.

Mary slapped him on the arm with a folder and said. "Johnathan that's what they're for. I made them because they're Corey's favorite. He let me adopt two kittens for free and this was a thank you. I made lots so everyone could have some too."

"Awwwe Maryyyy" Said Corey, lovingly. Mary was an older lady who loved cats just as much as Corey did, so they had a weird but sweet cat-based bond.

The party had finally started and there was very boring music playing and everyone mingled a bit not really engaging too much. Corey was already enjoying the Carbone catering. He'd never really had Italian food before, besides lasagna, so he kept asking "What's this?" but not waiting for an answer before stuffing it in his mouth.

Of course John was being a dick the whole time. At some point Corey had spat something out because he decided it was inedible. John screamed, "How DARE you disrespect my Gnocchi like that! It was $19!"

"Oh this is food? It tasted like little bugs and it grossed me out. What is it? Nu-kee?" Corey said.

"NO! GNOCCHI!! NEE-AWK-EE!!" John screamed, placing a hand on his forehead.

"Damn, calm down." Said Corey.

Corey got up and motioned for me to follow him out of the room. "What's up?" I said, once we were both by the cubicles.

"We should mess with John." He said.

I laughed and asked, "How?"

"Okay don't ask me why but I have an airhorn and a fake snake in my car." He said, stuffing more pasta in his mouth.

"What? Haha what are you planning?" I said, very confused.

"Just you go distract him, I want you to prank call him and I'm gonna set up some stuff." He said.

"Oh my gosh I can't do that! What do I even say??" I asked.

"Well you can pretend to be an old friend and be like 'its been like forever omfg' and make up embarrassing stories like he dropped his extra small condom at school one time and everyone laughed at him for days" This all seemed like he'd already planned it.

"Okay...I guess I can do that." I said

While I went off to start the call, Corey went to his car and gathered his weird objects. By the time Corey was done setting up his pranks, I was still on the call and John was very loudly screaming in the break room "I DON'T KNOW YOU!! THIS NEVER HAPPENED!"

Corey came over to me and said I could hang up and then he told me all that he did. "So first I printed out about a thousand pictures of Nicholas Cage and I put one of them inside of his desk lamp so when he turns it on he'll see Nick Cage. I also put one in the copier so every time he makes a copy it'll be Cage. Now onto the good stuff, I tapped an airhorn to the back of the doorknob, I put the fake snake under his desk, and I shook up every single one of his Diet Cokes in the fridge."

I started laughing so hard, I couldn't wait. First, John went for the door, when he opened it, the wall hit the button and the sound startled him so much he yelped and jumped. Then, he went for the copier. He was going to make copies of the schedule for the rest of the party and on each one there was a tiny Nick Cage on them. He tried about 3 times before yelling "oh what the hell!" and throwing them all in the trash. Then he went to his desk to sit down frustratedly. He then saw the little snake under his desk and it was dark so he couldn't really make it out, so guess what he did next? He turned on his lamp. And when he turned it on and saw the picture he yelled "Okay what the fuck guys? Who's doing this to me?" Everyone looked at him confused as to what he was talking about. "Oh whatever" he said "I'm sick of this." He sat back down but just as he saw the toy snake he tried to leap up but fell over in his chair and ran into the corner yelling, "SNAAAAKKKEE"

Just then our boss heard all the commotion. "Johnathan what is going on out here?" He asked.

"Sir...someone's been terrorizing me, look a snake under my desk!" He pointed with a shaky hand.

"John, this is a toy." Said our boss, as he picked it up disappointedly. "I want you to quiet down and stop acting a fool."

John sighed and said "Yes sir." Then he went to the break room into the fridge to grab a diet Coke. He opened it and it exploded and fizzed all over him. Corey laughed his ass off and John just said "You'll pay for this. I'm going home." Corey never did 'pay for this' but that was a really fun day.