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73: slipped away
Pi
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman nang magising ako sa balitang buhay pa ako.
...but my baby...
Baby rocket is gone. No matter how I tried to process it in my mind, the pain just keeps me from thinking straight. I’ve never felt as horrible as this, knowing I survived and my child didn’t. The pain I’ve felt all my life for all hardships and struggles I have ever experienced in my entire life has been tripled upon knowing I will never have the chance to see my baby.
My tears flowed like stream and my wails echoed in the corners of the room. Halos malagutan na ako ng hininga dahil sa labis na sakit nararamdaman. This has been more painful than having every part of my body disassembled. This has been more crushing than anything else.
I desperately breathe for air but it seems like my body was rejecting it like it was poisoned. Pakiramdam ko ay sa tuwing hihinga ako ay mas nagdudulot lamang iyon ng matinding sakit. I curled my knees to hug it but it doesn’t make me feel better.
Nothing in this world could make me feel better.
Bahagya kong nasulyapan si Ryu na nasa paanan ng kama. Unlike me, he wasn’t crying but he didn’t look pleased either. He just sat there, knuckles closed as tight as he could as he listened to my wailing.
I didn’t like the idea of waking up just to receive such kind of news. I didn’t like the idea of staying alive with my baby as sacrifice.
See? I’m definitely one of the worst mothers in the world. Hindi ko man lamang binigyan ng pagkakataon ang anak ko na mabuhay. I would have let him see that despite the world’s cruelty, maybe there’s still hope.
Maybe. Just maybe.
This made me whimpered even more and made no attempt to soothe myself. I let it all out and blame myself for being a worst mother.
No mother should let her child disappear just like that.
I sniffled even more as I felt Ryu moved from the bed to my side.
“Pi...”
Tinakip ko ang palad sa mukha at mas lalong humagulhol. “Anong klaseng ina ako?”
“Pi... It’s my fault, if only I didn’t leave you that night...”
I swatted his hands away as he tried to reach for me. “Bakit mo sisisihin ang sarili mo? It’s my fault, if only... if only I wasn’t blinded by my anger at inisip muna ang kaligtasan ng anak ko. But... but why do you have to choose me?”
“Pi...”
“See? We’re really bad parents, aren’t we? We killed our child Ryu, we killed Baby Rocket.”
