One Hundred Ways To Annoy Snape (Finished)

Be Prepared

I headed down the staircase to breakfast, nearly stumbling down the last two steps. Internally, I winced. Walking is no longer my forte. Of course, there was a good reason I was tripping over everything. I was wearing sunglasses. Sure, not the greatest thing to wear indoors in hindsight, but what are you going to do? Besides take them off. I wanted to keep them on, all right? Come at me, bro. I laughed out loud. Awkward. 

Skipping down the Great Hall, and nearly tripping again, I finally made it in one piece to Rock's side. She quirked an eyebrow. "What's with the sunglasses, Jen? Going to work on your tan later?" she joked. 

I shook my head, handing her a pair. "Today, my dear Rock, we are stalking our beloved Potions Master," I grinned. "He gave us detention for the stupidest thing. It seems only fitting that we take such matters into our own hands, does it not?" We both shot a look at the Head Table, studying the man we were discussing. After a moment of adoring him, I breathed, "Damn, I want him!" Rock burst out laughing. 

"Control your raging hormones, Jen," she smirked. "We shall get our chance soon enough. For now, let us annoy our esteemed professor." There was a slight pause. "I want him, too!" We both giggled loudly, our fellow Ravenclaws sending us alarmed looks in response. I suppose we did sound rather evil, cackling like that and wearing sunglasses. Inside, I might add. 

"I'm sorry, but my hormones are way too unbalanced right now to care about anything but wanting him," I groaned. Was it just me or was I sounding like a... ahem... woman of the night? A light blush tinted my face at the thought. Jen, sweetheart, get your emotions under control, I ordered myself. You can drool on his chest later. Right now, Rock and you have some fun to have. "In any case, let's stalk him!" 

Rock tore her eyes away from Snape long enough to stare at me. "Let's kidnap him," she suggested, her eyes glinting with only a madness girls in love with Severus Snape can have. I considered that for a moment. 

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's illegal," I smiled gently. "But, on the bright side... it's only illegal if we get caught." 

Putting on the sunglasses, Rock grinned largely. "This is why we're best friends," she stated confidently, standing up. I stood up, as well. "Where should we start? His personal quarters or his classroom?" 

"His personal quarters, obviously," I teased, locking my arm firmly through hers and setting off towards the dungeons. "Is it just me or is he going to strangle us by the end of the year? I honestly thought he was going to murder us in front of a bunch of house-elves. But as you said, he does have good taste." 

She nodded. "I was surprised he didn't pop a vein or something," she smirked. There was a slight pause. "How did you get these sunglasses, Jen?" 

I hesitated before answering. "These were never a pair of Snape's shoes," I tried to lie, but failed miserably. Even if it wasn't Rock I was talking to, anyone with half a mind could tell I was lying. But as it was Rock I was talking to and she had well more than half a mind, she almost fell over laughing. 

"Jen... Jen, I love you so much right now," she gasped through the bouts of laughter. 

"I love you, too, Rock," I replied, lightly smiling as I opened the door to his personal quarters. "My God, it's dark in here. Hasn't Professor Snape ever heard of electricity? I'm going to trip again or walk into something, I swear it." 

A cold voice drawled from behind us, "Miss Dewitt, I do have electricity." I yelped in surprise, nearly jumping into the wall. The lights were turned on, revealing an annoyed and just a tad bit amused Snape. "Must you walk into every stationary object within sight?" he asked silkily. Rock growled angrily. I keep forgetting to warn him not to insult me in front of her. She will extract revenge sevenfold. 

"Now, now, Professor," Rock hissed, a false smile plastered on her face. "Is that honestly any way to treat Jennifer? After all, she did take a pair of your shoes." 

I closed my eyes. She was so close to getting us safely out of this... now it was up to my lying skills -to a talented Occulemens, mind you- to save us. "What Rock means is that we were looking for you, sir. I wanted some tips on the essay you gave the other day and I didn't want to come up to you during breakfast. I have a reputation of being completely smart to upload. I'm sorry if we aggravated you, Professor, but I honestly did want help," I whispered, lowering my head in shame. 

Rock was staring at me, her mouth dropped open. Apparently my new acting skills had surprised her, too. Snape's lip curled, whether in disgust or irritation, I couldn't tell, but he seemed to actually believe the lie. "Oh, for God's sake, what's your question?" he snapped. I did not think that far ahead into the plan! Snape, quit getting ahead of me!

Thankfully, Rock is a very quick thinker when she wants to be, and thus asked the question, "Are you sure we can't turn into popcorn? Because I think that'd still be fun." This time, I appreciated her attempt and I didn't mind the fact that it didn't make sense. That's how desperate I was. 

"Miss Riddle," he sighed wearily, "there is no possible way to make it any clearer than this: You simply should not turn into any food because then someone might eat you. Depending on when you digest the potion, you will either be disgested by the person who has eaten you or you will expand in their intestines and kill them when the potion wears off." 

I had leaned forward, listening intently. "That's interesting," I breathed, totally in my element while Rock looked kind of grossed out. "I can see why that's a bad idea, Professor. Wow... I never thought of it that way before. What would happen-"

"Jen, while this is all nice and... disturbing... we should be going," Rock interrupted quickly. I instantly fell silent, realizing I had totally lost my focus here just because I was interested in the effects of Polyjuice. We hastily left him standing in the doorway, feeling quite content until we heard a distinct roar of outrage. 

"DEWITT, RIDDLE!" Snape shrieked. "GET BACK HERE, NOW!" I cringed in guilt, but Rock was having none of it. She made sure I didn't turn around to apologize to the professor, but instead, keep walking to get our books before class. 

I muttered, "He's going to have a blood pressure problem by the end of the year." 

Rock shrugged, unconcerned. "He'll survive as long as we do. After all, we won't let him die on us. We're having far too much fun and our test subject is stronger than you think he is, Jen. Don't start going soft on him just because he provided you with intelligent conversation." 

A wry smile passed over my lips. "God forbid," I said sarcastically. 

************************

"Dewitt, Riddle, I want to see you right now," Snape hissed at us after the bell rang. I knew this was coming. He was being far too quiet during the lesson and now we would pay. And then he'd pay because Rock would want revenge. If it weren't so funny, I'd almost get tired of the endless cycle of vengence. 

Rock smiled nicely. "Yes, Professor?" she inquired politely. That alone should give you nightmares. "Is there something you wanted from us? Kind of like last night when you wanted nothing while we were in our underwear, right, sir?" Not in the mood to particularly relive last night, I hastened to think of a way to get safely out of this one, too. 

A muscle twitched in his jaw. "I want my shoes back. Now." Without hesitation, both Rock and I dropped our sunglasses onto his desk cheerfully. It took him a second, but then he comprehened what had happened. "I rue the day you ever learned how to transfigure, Miss Dewitt." 

"I'm taking that as a compliment, sir," I replied quietly, surprisingly not afraid of him for the first two minutes in my life. 

"Professor Sexy," Rock drawled. "If that's really all you wanted us for, I think we'll go now. After all, you know how we get when we miss meals." She winked, dragging me out of the classroom with her  before Snape could either A, deduct points or B, hand out twelve more detentions with him that we'd happily take. 

I let out a breath in relief, then I laughed. "This is so going in the book!" I grinned. "So much for stalking him, but we did our best. There's always tomorrow and all of that good stuff. What are we going to come up with next, Rock?" 

Pretending to think about it, she smiled slowly. "I don't know, Jen, but let me tell you... Sexy Snape is not going to be prepared for it!"