One Hundred Ways To Annoy Snape (Finished)

Terminated

I had never seen Snape so livid before. Not even when we tried to make him feel better when he was ill. In fact, I had half a mind to run away. He stormed out of the classroom, a fierce scowl on his face. I didn't fail to notice that his hand, his wand was gripped tightly. Rock and I shared a look before following closely behind him. If I didn't know any better, I would be under the impression that the professor was going to kill Filch.

I bit my lip in worry. While I hated Filch with a burning passion, I wasn't quite sure that murder was necessary. But even I had to admit that I wanted him gone. If killing was the only way to achieve that goal, then I couldn't honestly say I was against it.

Before Filch could look to see who was coming, before anyone could say anything, Professor Snape had shouted, "Conjunctivitis!" I gasped loudly, freezing on the spot. Rock gave me a weird look.

"What?" she asked. "Filch is getting what he deserves, Jen. If Sexy wasn't here, we'd be worse off than dead." She gave a delicate shudder. I thinned my mouth disapprovingly. Dueling made me quite nervous. And, for some reason, I had a feeling that Snape wasn't feeling merciful at this moment in time.

"PROFESSOR!" I shrieked. "NO!" I rushed to block his view of Filch before he inflicted further damage.

Snape didn't look pleased with my course of action. "Miss Dewitt, stand aside!" he snapped.

"No," I declared firmly. "Sir." I added. I might be disobeying a teacher, but I wasn't going to be rude about it. His lip curled in contempt. It took a lot for me not to cower in the corner, but I had to stand up for something eventually. Might as well start now.

Filch was staggering about the corridor, clutching at his eyes.

"Miss Dewitt, you recall that I have full capability of making your life a nightmare, correct?" he hissed coldly. I swallowed. I knew that Rock loved me, but she wasn't going to side with me on this one. Must be a Slytherin thing, because I was the only one stopping Snape from torturing Filch. I temporarily wondered if I was wrong.

"I remember," I mumbled, my voice giving away most of the fear I felt. "But... sir, he's a Squib. He can't fight back. It's not fair."

He stared at me as if I had just suggested we get rid of all the gravity in the school. "It's not fair," Snape repeated incredulously. "Miss Dewitt, he just tried to assult your friend... and you're siding with him. What kind of-"

"Hey!" I said defensively. "I'm not on his side! I just... I mean... show a bit of compassion. Get him fired, Professor, but if you kill him... you'll go to Azkaban. And we don't want that. So, let's leave the physical damage where it is now and go to the headmaster."

"Jen, what are you saying?" Rock demanded. "That Filch shouldn't be punished for what he's done?"

Did no one understand what I was saying? I sighed. "No, Rock, honey, listen to me. Filch will be kicked out onto the cold streets. No food, no shelter, and no friends. That is far worse than what any spell could do." I shut up, praying that someone here would comprehend my logic for once.

Filch, the idiot, kept howling over his damaged eyesight and continued to bump into the same two walls. It was starting to get even on my nerves. Snape, however, was giving me the shrewdest, most calculating look I had ever seen.  

"You never said anything about physically beating him up," he declared, storming forward. Part of me didn't want to watch, but then again... how often do you see two grown men fight in the middle of a hallway? Not very often, I have to say. Thus Rock and I stood there, politely cheering Snape on as if this were the latest Quidditch match. 

By the time Snape was done with Filch, he was bleeding profusely. 

And I had to say that Snape never looked more attractive to me than at that moment. I froze, a blush creeping up my face. Unfortunately, Rock noticed that blush. "Oooh, Jen, why are you blushing?" she drawled, poking me on the arm. 

"No reason," I lied, not looking at her.

"Oh, I know why," she grinned. "Sexy turns you on, too." I stuck my tongue out at her and she returned the favor. 

And people say that we're immature. 

"Professor," I called hesitantly. "I think... I think that you can stop now. I'm pretty sure he gets the message: We all hate him. But that doesn't mean that he should die." Snape immediately dropped Filch like he was the most disgusting thing on this earth. Which he probably was, but you won't hear me debating this. 

He was slightly out of breath, but the cool logic had come back to his black eyes. "Very well," he answered. "Miss Riddle, Miss Dewitt, if you would be so kind as to get the headmaster, I believe someone needs to be removed from the school immediately."

***

I had never seen Dumbledore so furious. In fact, he looked as if he would like to beat up Filch into a pulp, too. 

"Argus Filch, you are forever banned from Hogwarts," he rumbled. Filch was muttering quickly and intelligently under his breath. "If you ever set foot again in this castle or on the grounds, you will be immediately carried off to Azkaban. No questions asked. Consider yourself very lucky that you aren't facing worse punishment." 

Filch looked as if he were about to protest.

"OUT!"

Filch limped towards the office door. I didn't relax again until the door was shut properly. Rock and I shared looks of immense relief. That was far too close for my liking. Snape was looking particularly angry still. Maybe the bro needed a hug. I am more than willing to hug him, I must say. But then again, with the murderous expression on his face, perhaps I'd be better off sticking my hand in a blazing fireplace. 

"Thank you, Sexy, for getting rid of pervy Filch," Rock said sweetly to Snape, smiling winningly. He scowled a bit, but it wasn't threatening. I suppose that was his way of smiling now. Not very cheerful, in my opinion.

"Yes, thank you, Professor," I added quietly. "That was very nice of you."

Snape growled, "I didn't do it because of the two of you. I simply did not wish to see anything illegal happen in the school." 

Dumbledore glanced at the two of us, his blue eyes immediately softening. "Go to sleep. You've had an eventful night and I'm sure that you both need some rest."

"Thank you," Rock and I chimed at the same time. 

As we were getting ready for bed, Rock smirked. "So," she said, "Sexy does care about us. Good to know." She sounded quite pleased with herself. 

I rolled my eyes. "Next time, could we try to keep ourselves safe? I don't want to be that close to seeing or being raped again. That will haunt me for the next two weeks, Rock," I scolded, but I didn't quite mean it. 

She laughed. "Come on, Jen, you can't say that we didn't get something out of it."

"What, pray tell, did we possibly get out of that?"

"We got Filch the hell out of here," she drawled, "and we proved that Sexy cares about us -more than the average student, I daresay." 

I reached underneath the bed and started writing in the book. "We can add that to the list. We got Snape to beat up Filch and get him fired. Although how that annoyed him, I don't know. It just does," I said wryly. Rock smiled mischievously.

"We terminated the rat of the school. I can't wait to see what we do next."