Where wounds can heal ~ Woochan

Chapter 4 ✨

✨Somebody✨

Today we need to practice the choreo of our new song. So the whole group was dancing in the big practice room of JYP Entertainment. To me the dance is so difficult. Although Hyunjin has explained a few dance steps to me, I still have some problems.

Minho has showed me so often how I have to do it, but I'm still not getting it. I'm not the best dancer of Stray Kids, I'm the worst. I'm feeling like being a burden to them all.

„No Woojin, how often do I have to explain it to you? You need to begin with the right leg. Is it really that difficult?" Minho scolds me, while I'm just looking down at my feet. I mean I truly can understand him, I don't get anything and they just want to help me, don't they? But my legs feel to weak and refuse to move like I want them to.

„I'm sorry," I answer him. Well, it is more like a whisper.
„Just continue with the choreography, I will learn it later."
„I hope so, we are Stray Kids, we need to be perfect and if you aren't, you won't be a part of it anymore, because JYP will kick you out of it."

His words are true, but hurting. I know it's gonna be like that, if I don't try harder, work better. But still my heart feels like it's been torn into a hundred pieces just a few seconds ago.

I sigh. I nod. I smile my fake smile I use to show when I need to. I fake my smile, my laugh, my happiness. And it's terrible to be like that. Sometimes it really would be better to just end it all.

A single tear slipped out of my eye, but nobody noticed. Nobody knows. Nobody cares.

After practice I often stay and do the dance one more time. Like today. I need to do better, and better, and better. I think I'm the worst dancer in the whole group. I'm dancing and dancing, not even thinking about the time. So minutes and hours passed too fast and I' still here at 9 pm.

Fuck! 9 PM!

They are gonna kill me! I needed to prepare dinner for them and I totally forgot it. I was so focused on the dance all the time.

I'm packing my things quickly and head home. When I arrived everything was quiet. Nobody seemed to be angry or concerned at all.

I enter the living room and can see Chan watching TV alone. He did notice me, but didn't even look up.

"You aren't angry that I've been away that long and forgot to prepare dinner?"

"Oh, you weren't here? We ordered something."

Ouch. I don't know what hurts more. The members being angry at me or his words. Some days before I really thought they would care for me, but I think I was wrong. I felt such a good feeling in my chest and it's gone now, again. I would do everything to be something to them. To be someone, someone they know, care for. I just want to be somebody. I want to be myself, and I want them to know me. But there are too many burdens, so I can't.

Sometimes I think they don't even want to notice me. Or to recognize me, to know me. It makes me know that I'm nothing to them and I never will be. Though I'm trying so hard to be somebody...