Moonchild | KNJ & Reader

I'm Fine Without You *I'm Really Not*

Your POV

"Who the hell did this to you!?", the nurse screamed seeing me in this state.

 I whispered weakly and smiled, "Me."

Namjoon POV

Something still doesn't feel right. And I know it's not me thinking like this, so it has to be Y/N. But I'm trying to lock her away in my thoughts. She can stay as memories, I don't need her as reality again. But the thoughts keep nagging at me. When I train, when I eat, when I'm chilling and when I'm sleeping. Always nagging at me, but only in a slight way. A way that makes you want to explore a little more but it leads you into trouble. But honestly, can one more visit to the hospital change a lot? Just to check that she's okay. She won't notice. I won't log in and I won't go into her ward. Besides, she's probably already left the hospital. Just to check. It's an internal war. I'm trying to figure out if I can really leave her in the past. Why did I tell her that I wanted to end it? Maybe because I thought that she was desperate for me and wouldn't let me leave. Maybe that's what I thought. I'll drive myself to the hospital and not tell the others. That way no one will even notice that I went to visit her. So that's what I do. Mask on, long jacket on, stealthily I creep to the door and exit the mansion, entering the vast outside world. I arrive in front of the hospital within ten minutes since there was no traffic. I'll visit and then forget it, erase it from stuff that ever happened. 

"Hello. Which ward is Y/N in?", I question the receptionist at the desk. I'm at the block I last found her at.

"I'm sorry but Y/N is not in a ward at this hospital.", that's bit strange. "But she's in ICU at the emergency centre.", the lady continued. 

In ICU? Has her health changed that quick?

"Erm... thank you.", I walked to the emergency centre, sure that this so called Y/N wasn't my Y/N. Why am I still calling her my Y/N? And I was trembling.

"Er hello. I was told that Y/N had been reported to this unit. Is this correct?", I was naturally speaking formally. 

A sign that I was nervous and unrelaxed.

"Yes it is correct. If you walk straight through those doors and ask a nurse, they'll be able to show you to her."

I thanked the guy and walked through the doors as instructed. Asking a nurse, I visibly shook when she escorted me to the room that Y/N was apparently in. Why would she be in the emergency centre? Isn't she supposed to recover as time passes? At first when I see her, I can't quite believe that it's her. She looks as close to death as she was when we were in... I can't say it. But what really happened to her?

"Excuse me?", I waited politely as the nurse monitored Y/N's breath and heart rate. 

But I didn't have to finish my question because she somehow already knew what I wanted to say.

"She got admitted here last night after being found in a critical condition last night at her former ward. She was supposed to go into rehabilitation sometime later today but obviously she's not in the state to do so. We had a suspicion that it was a second case of overdose and after tests of morphine levels, our suspicions were confirmed. I'm afraid to say that she's probably overdosed herself a second time. Investigation and interrogation will only occur after she's recovered fully. So up till now, we do not know the cause of her overdose and who did it.", the nurse explained.

But I knew. I knew exactly who overdosed her and why. The meanings of the words she'd said the last time I came to see her were finally making sense, "I'll go in a way you won't be able to get me back even if you need to". Something like that but it doesn't matter the exact words, the meaning is still the same.

"Thank you. I need to go now but please tell her that I dropped by if she wakes up.", I excused myself. 

I feel queasy, the whole world's spinning around me fast.

"And may I ask where you went off too at this time in the morning?", Yoongi's thorough interrogation began as soon as I walked into the mansion.

"Just went to visit Y/N.", there's no point in lying to him. 

He'll find out eventually so I might as well tell him straight.

"Ah. and how is she?"

"Good."

"And I can see that's a lie. How is she?", can you not trigger me into breakdown mode Yoongi?

"Not good."

"Specifics please.", please Yoongi. 

Don't pull my strings like that.

"She's in ICU."

"And you think it's your fault? I see guilt in your eyes."

"I know it's my fault."

"Good. You should realise that it's all your fault.", I looked at Yoongi for a second. 

Has he returned to his hard-core state? Was all that understanding between us a phase? It's too early for you to leave me like this.

"What do you mean it's good that I realised it's my  fault?"

"She's only like this because of mistakes you both made. And your biggest mistake was believing that just because she was made for you, she would cling to you. She's stronger than that.", he walked away after saying that. Nice way to leave me hanging. I'm fine without you.

"You're really not.", Yoongi said from the top of the stairs.

"How the hell did you...?", but I can't bring myself to think straight. 

How did he just do that? I'm not even going to try figure out. Some weird human being in this mansion. But that's not the problem at hand. Why did you do this Y/N?