Highest Bidder

Part 39: Closure

Dear Dad,

I feel as if everyday is rushing passed quicker than sand in an hour glass. One moment it's here and the next it is gone. Never leaving anything to hold onto. How had the months passed by without my knowledge? It was just yesterday, I found out I was becoming a mum and now we are days out from meeting our son. To think that everything compiled itself into a pocket sized snip it. That on the timeline as short as this one- we would soon find the end arriving.

Max made me take Maternity leave. Like I wasn't a doctor and didn't know it was important. He has doted on me since the beginning and I feel he will only continue too.

To think, this all started with him fucking up and signing some damn paper- selling souls to the likes of rich greedy men. Who'd have thought he would want me? He had given so much time to making sure I was happy and felt loved and he never asked for anything in return. He says he's not selfless, but if you look back at all of it. He is. Truly. I can't imagine what great things lie ahead, but I'm more than ready to experience everything with him. I know you would love him. You loved everyone. I wish you were here. I wish you would have the chance to meet your grandson. To hold him and love him. Tell him the stories of growing up in Ghana and how you met Mum. No one tells that story quite like you did.

I'm scared. I'm scared that after everything I won't be enough. I know that's dumb and pointless to think- but it's there, isn't it? That fear of never satisfying anyone. How can anyone be sure that they are truly wanted and are enough for the people they love? It's silly. This fear. But it's warranted. Some times I feel like fear is all I have any more. Fear that Max will leave. Fear that he will pass. Fear that I won't be a good mum. Fear that I won't live long enough to be there for my children. Fear that goodbye will wreck who ever is left. I fear so much. I never used too. Not until I met Max. When I met him, I felt connected. I felt in tune with how he felt. With how he saw the world around him. I feel. I never used too. Not after all I lost. I never felt anything. But I feel Max. I feel his pain, his fear, his joy, his sadness. All of it. I am like an amplifier for his emotions. I feel everyone of them so profoundly that I fear I won't make it.

How do you over come that? How do you find a way to lose fear and find hope? In a week, I'll have my son. What if I'm not ready? What if I don't make it and leave Max to father two children and grieve again? I don't think he'd make it. I don't think he could live if he lost another woman he loved. I pray he'll never have to know that pain. Whether that's now or later I life. I don't want him to feel that sorrow that had clouded him before. His kind heart couldn't live through that again. Dad, I pray you look over us and keep us safe. Let everything work out. Because I am not strong enough to do this without you. I never have been. I love you. Always.

See you on the other side.

Helen

...............

Looking down at the letter I smile. It's already July and with it comes Lincoln Bishop. I walk over to the fireplace, I take the lighter and set the letter a blaze. I let it burn to ash and the smoke carry from the chimney to the heavens.

My mum once said that you can always send letters to heaven if you burn them. Send your prayers. Send your thoughts. Send your fears. Send your stories. Ever since my father passed, I have always written to him with the hope that he would respond. Obviously, he very rarely does. The last time was the song over my phone. He was a great man and I miss him every day.

"Hey, Babe." Max walks in, he had just dropped Luna off at Lauren's. She had been asking for a play date and who I to deny her that simple joy. Coming over to me, he sits behind me and pulls me in between his legs and just holds me close. "Was that your letter?"