Walls

Losing Ground

Phana's POV

I dropped Pring off in front of our building and told her I had to go back for something. In reality, I had to go back for someone and I needed to be fast. If I'm lucky, Yo is in his room and I can take him after all. I was going to call and tell him to meet me at the parking lot, but I realized I didn't have his phone number.

My Yo looked so disappointed when I drove away with Pring. Why did she have to need a ride today? I cursed her in my head and ran up the stairs to his room. Luckily, I knew he had the room across from Pring.

I knocked and got no response. I looked at the time, it was only 8:20. He shouldn't be gone yet. I knocked again, and there was still no answer. I waited for a few more minutes before giving up and going back to my car. I knew I was already late for class and the professor was going to give me a dressing down, but I couldn't just go to class without trying.

"Khun Phana," my professor said to me in her most severe tone as I walked into class over 30 minutes late. "Do you know the consequences if a doctor were to arrive late when his patient needed him?"

"Yes, Professor, I'm sorry. It won't happen again," I wai to her. I wait for her approval to take my seat. I know I must look as miserable as I feel, because she doesn't continue to lecture me. Kit and Beam saved me a seat and I sat down feeling like a failure.

"Why are you so late, Pha?" Kit asked me quietly, keeping an eye on the professor as she goes on with the lesson.

"I broke my word to N'Yo," I said with my eyes on the floor. "I told him I would give him a ride this morning, but Ai'Pring came and asked me to take her. I didn't know what to do and N'Yo came down just as she was getting into my car. So I just told him I was going with her and I left."

I know I sound guilty as hell.

"Want to talk about it?" Kit asked.

"I was so happy because I was finally going to have a chance to take care of him. This was the first time that I gave him my word, but it was also the first time I couldn't keep it. I went back to get him, but he'd already left."

"Not actually the first time," Beam responded, joining our conversation. "You told him you wanted to go to sushi with him and then you went with Ai'Pring that time too."

"What?" I felt like he just slapped me.

"Besides, it wasn't like you had to give Ai'Pring a ride. You could have said no to her, since you already told N'Yo that you would take him," Beam continued, not noticing how bad I felt. "Or you could have told him that Ai'Pring really needed a ride and asked him if he would wait for you to come back."

I put my head in my hands and I try to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill down my face. I'm a complete failure.

"Do you think he's mad at me?" I asked, hoping to salvage what little chance I have left.

"If he doesn't have feelings for you, he won't be mad," Kit said, thinking it through carefully, "but if he does have feelings for you then I'm sure he's mad and he's hurt. You chose Ai'Pring over him, and Beam's right. This is the second time."

I feel like I'm drowning in my own stupidity. The only person I have ever wanted to be with and I kept letting him down. How am I going to fix this?

"Khun Phana," Beam said, doing an uncanny imitation of our professor. "Do you understand the consequences if you can't make this up to your nong?"

For the first time, I think about the very real possibility that I might never be able to convince him to be mine. After everything I've done, I'm not even sure he would allow me to be his friend. I straighten my back and pick up my determination. I'm going to do whatever it takes, and this will be the last time I let him down.