Yo is finally ready to take down his wall of shame. One by one, pictures of Pha are disappearing from his room. But when Pha finally gathers the courage to confess to his Nong, will he still be in Yo's heart? Retelling of my story Breaking Down the...
"Wait for a minute and we'll walk back with you," Kookgai said. She was clearly talking to Pha, and he was smiling at her. He agreed and we paid for our snacks but waited at the front of the store while she and her friend, Dao, picked some snacks.
How many girlfriends does one man need? I told myself to stop being jealous. Pha could have as many girlfriends as he wanted and it would never be any of my business, but it still hurt. We walked out of the store, Pha and Kookgai walking ahead of us while I walked behind with Dao. I watched as Pha walked along next to her, leaning down to hear when she spoke, her bag of snacks in his hand.
"Ai'Kookgai's really beautiful," Dao said, watching the couple walking in front of us. "They make a good couple."
"Do they?" I asked, not wanting to admit it even though it was obvious.
"Of course, P'Pha is so handsome," Dao continued. "I wish that he'd pay attention to me, but I'm not as beautiful as she is. P'Pha will probably stay with her tonight, so if he does, I'll stay in your room."
I didn't know what to say to her, so I just grunted. I couldn't help the frown that covered my face. Why was I so stupid? I should have realized that Pha didn't go drinking with his friends so that he'd be able to stay with Kookgai.
"Don't worry, I won't do anything to you," Dao said, noticing my frown.
"Will P'Pha really stay the night with Ai'Kookgai?" I asked, trying to keep the pain I felt out of my voice.
"Probably," Dao said. "Ai'Kookgai told me that P'Pha was interested in her, but he had to stay with you because you were sick. If you hadn't come out into the hall, he would already be with her."
"You're just as lovely as Ai'Kookgai," I said, needing to change the subject. "I'm sure that any guy you like would be lucky to have you."
"Thanks, Ai'Yo," Dao said, smiling at me. "You're so nice."
We walked the rest of the way talking about the Moon and Star Competition and how glad we were that it was almost over. I tried to focus solely on our conversation, but my thoughts kept returning to the image of Pha and Kookgai in the doorway earlier today. If I hadn't opened the door, Pha would already be in her room. When would I ever get it in my head? Pha liked girls.
As expected, Pha followed Kookgai into her room and Dao followed me into mine. I put my bag of snacks on the counter and Dao did the same.
"Want to watch TV?" Dao asked, sitting back on the bed.
"I'm going to go out and look at the sky on the balcony for a little while," I said. "You go ahead."
I walked out to the balcony, taking a deep breath in the still night air. I looked up at the sky and focused on pushing all the pain out of my heart with every breath. I had been a fool for too long. Letting go of this dream would hurt, but nothing hurt as much as loving someone who would never love me back. I couldn't help thinking of what Pha and Kookgai might be doing right now.
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My memories of a sweaty Pha playing basketball, a handsome Pha walking around the school with bruises on his face from fighting, and even the cold Pha that looked so unapproachable played through my mind, forcing me to see that almost all of my memories of Pha were from far away. I was never close to him. There were no memories of enjoying time together. No sharing of thoughts, only a few moments that could be called friendship. Knowing he was probably kissing someone else right now hurt more than I expected. When would I ever get over this stupid crush?
"N'Yo," Pha's voice pulled me from my thoughts, "what are you doing out here?"
"I was just looking at the stars tonight," I said, wondering what he was doing back already. I turned and looked at Pha, about to walk back in the room. "Where did Ai'Dao go?"
"She went back to her room," Pha said. He sounded annoyed. I walked past him into the room and he followed, shutting the door to the balcony.
"She was going to stay in here, so you could stay with Ai'Kookgai," I said, feeling like I wasn't quite understanding the world tonight. I grabbed one of my snacks and sat down to eat on the couch. Pha sat next to me with his phone in his hands.
"N'Yo, what kind of person do you think I am?" Pha asked, watching me closely.
I thought for a minute before I answered, "I don't know. A womanizer, I guess. A playboy. Something like that."
"I was before, but I'm not like that now," Pha said. "N'Yo, I'll never lie to you."
I looked at him, not sure what he was getting at. Why would he bother to tell me that he isn't a playboy anymore? Why would he tell me that he won't lie to me?
"You've never lied to me before, have you?" I asked, confused by his tone of voice and the conversation we were having. "I guess you don't always do what you say you're going to do, but that isn't exactly the same thing."
He looked down at his feet, clearly feeling upset about something. For the life of me, I couldn't understand what he was upset about. He'd never bothered to explain anything before. He'd never cared how I felt. Maybe he's finally starting to have feelings for me? Stop! Don't start having crazy fantasies again. The last thing I need is to get my hopes up once again and then be reminded of how little he cares about me. I got up, moving away from him.
"Do you want to watch TV, P'Pha?" I asked, grabbing several bags of snacks and sitting on my bed.
"No," Pha said. "I'll just play on my phone for awhile."
"Okay, good night," I said, grabbing my One Piece and putting my headphones in. I was still going through options for the song I would have to play for the competition, and I really needed to focus on something other than Pha.
