Walls

Disappointment

Yo's POV

After Pha left with Pring, I went back up to my room to cry, alone. Stop being such a crybaby. I know I don't have any claim on Pha or on his time. I should be used to this by now. I'm not handsome, like he is or like Joss or Forth or Ming. I'm not funny and talented like his friends. I'm not even a girl. I can't offer him anything that he can't get from someone far better than me. Clearly, he wants Pring and I don't even blame him.

For some reason that even I don't understand, I can't stop being hurt that he doesn't love me. I know in my head that he is never going to choose me, but I keep getting caught up in how I feel about him. I get my hopes up and then they come crashing down when reality hits. Reality hits hard. If Joss were here, he would be so disappointed. Joss and Ming always made me feel like I mattered. Ming was supportive of my feelings for Pha, because he always said I was definitely good enough to be with him. Joss didn't like Pha at all, he said I was too good to let anyone hurt me so much.

I'm looking at my two remaining pictures of Pha. If seeing his perfection in real life every day wasn't enough, I stare at my pictures of him every night. All of my picture frames used to be filled with pictures of Pha. It hurt a lot to let go, but over the last year, I've been replacing his pictures. For the first time, I really agree with Joss. All those pictures of Pha were my wall of shame. Shame that I couldn't get over a guy who never wanted me to begin with.

I'm just wallowing in my self pity when I realize I don't want to sit here anymore. I'm ready this early anyway, so I'll stop at the print shop before practice and pick up my pictures. I need to stop crying and pull myself together.

After stopping at the print shop, I got some breakfast and then waited for Ming outside the practice area. I know I look worse than usual, I was crying before and now my eyes are probably red, plus I can feel the frown pulling my mouth down.

"Hey, Yo!" Ming greeted me, he's obviously having a great morning. He stopped short when he sees my face, then comes over to put his arm around my shoulders. "What happened?"

"It's a long story, I don't want to talk about it," I said, trying my best not to let him see how down I am.

"Tell me," Ming said with a soft voice. I don't know what I would do without Ming.

So I tell him the whole story, about going to dinner with Pha and promising to be his servant. About how I got up so early to help him organize his stupid papers and how he told me he would give me a ride to practice.

"I ran up two floors to get my bag and then had to run back down five floors because we don't have an elevator, but when I got there he was letting Pring into his car. He didn't even say sorry. He just said he was going to take her and then he left." I know I sound pathetic, but I know Ming won't laugh at me when I'm hurting like this.

"That is a long story," Ming looked me over, keeping his arm around me. "I'm sorry."

"Why does he keep giving me hope?" I still feel angry, but I also know that I'm being childish. I need to get over this stupid crush! "I've never been good enough for him, so why does it hurt so much when he doesn't choose me?"

"Yo!" Ming looks at me with disappointment in his eyes, "You need to stop thinking of yourself like that. You are so much better than this. You could have almost anyone in this university. Except me, cause I'm too hot for you."

Ming's still got his arm around my shoulder, leaving his side totally open to my punishment. I jab him hard and he bends into his side to block my further assault. He's using one hand to jab me back while blocking me with the other and I am doing the same. We're both grinning and giggling like little kids again. As usual Ming was able to make me smile.

I like how I feel when I'm laughing and smiling with Ming. I'm tired of being hurt by a guy who doesn't care about me at all. I'm tired of having a one-sided love. I know it's just an empty gesture, because right now Pha is still in my heart, but I'm replacing the last two pictures of him tonight.

Ging came over to stop us, scolded us for flirting when we're supposed to be inside, and walked away with a grin. Flirting? As if. I rolled my eyes at Ming and he grabbed my hand and dragged me inside for practice.

When the break finally comes, some of the other Moons asked us to join them for lunch at a restaurant behind the university. I looked at Ming to see what he wants to do when he suddenly grabbed my shoulders.

"P'Forth said he has a crush on you. He's my senior, so I have to help him out. Don't be mad, okay?" Ming whispered in my ear as quickly as he could before running off after the other Moons.

I'm still trying to unscramble my brain when I feel an arm around my shoulders.

"Want to join me for lunch, nong?" Forth smiled as he looked down at me. Why is everyone I know so tall?

"Sure," I said, feeling shy and a little confused. "I guess Ming has other plans."

I pointed to my friend's retreating back and Forth laughed a little.

"That's my fault," Forth said. "I told him I wanted to spend time alone with you, and since I'm his senior, he doesn't really have a choice."

"You want to spend time with me?" I asked, feeling even more confused.

"Yes, N'Yo," Forth said, moving in front of me. "I don't know if you are aware of it, but I like you. I'm hoping you'll like me enough to want to spend time with me, too."

I looked up into his dark, mischievous eyes and feel my heart beating harder in my chest. Forth smiled and looked down to my lips before dragging his eyes back to mine. Does he want to kiss me? Do I want to kiss him?

Since the first time I saw Pha in high school, I've never wanted anyone else. But suddenly I'm looking at Forth and thinking that maybe I could finally be happy with someone who loves me back. Thoughts of Pha and his cold eyes and hurtful words are battling with my image of a smiling Forth.

"What do you want to eat?" I asked him, feeling shy but pleased.

He put his arm around my shoulders again and we started walking. He was offering a couple of options when we saw Pha walking around the corner.

"Ai'Pha, what are you doing here? Isn't this your lunch break?" Forth asked.

My shoulders tensed and Forth looked down at me for a second. For just a moment I felt like I was cheating on Pha, but I remembered how he left me this morning, and I can't feel sorry. Pha looked at the both of us with a blank face.

"I was checking on the freshmen, you know, just to make sure they're doing okay," Pha said in a monotone voice.

"Checking on the freshmen?" Forth questioned. "You only have 30 minutes for lunch and your faculty is all the way across campus."

"I'm the Campus Moon," Pha replied. "It's my responsibility."

"Sure," Forth said with a grin. "Well, we've got to go. N'Yo is hungry."