Walls

Gone

Phana's POV

"Why didn't you wait for me?" I asked, feeling a little embarrassed when it came out sounding lonely and pitiful.

"Sorry, I just wanted to watch the ocean for awhile. Thank you, P'Pha," Yo said, taking the offered drink. He continued to stare at the ocean, and I continued to stare at him. I should have told Forth that I was interested in Yo. I should have just been honest, but I was so confused.

Did Yo still care for me the way he did back in high school? If I'd just been honest with my friends that day, Yo would already be mine.

If I could go back in time to that awful day, I would do everything differently. Even then, I'd been crazy about my Wayo. The first time I'd seen him, cradling a tiny kitten in his arms and speaking to it like you might talk to a person, I'd been sure he was an angel.

He had braces and glasses and acne, but underneath all that there was something about his face that was really lovely. I hadn't fallen in love immediately, I had just been fascinated. When I saw the way he treated people and cared about animals, I couldn't help myself. He was just so kind. I'd started following him around, wanting to see him all the time. I forced Kit and Beam to help me, I told them I just wanted to make sure he didn't get bullied because he was so sweet and gentle, but they saw through me.

They cornered me in one of the empty classrooms on our last day of school and asked me the dreaded questions once again.

**Flashback**

"Do you like boys?" Kit asked.

"W-what do you mean?" I stammered out, trying to avoid answering. I didn't want to have this conversation. The potential to lose my friends and my reputation was too great.

"We're asking if you're gay," Beam said, watching me closely.

"Are we really going to go through this again? The answer is still no," I said. Technically, I wasn't gay, the only guy I'd ever been attracted to was my Wayo.

"So you're telling me if a guy confessed his love to you, you would reject him?" Kit asked.

"How many times do I have to tell you? I like girls," I said, wanting to talk about anything else.

"You're sure?" Beam asked. Time to end this discussion forever.

"I'm not gay. Just thinking about it is giving me the creeps," I said.

Then we'd heard a noise out in the hall. We'd gone to investigate and found a note in the hall near the door. It was next to a box of books on the floor. I picked it up and read the words that make me realize what I'd just lost. "To P'Pha, You're the best for me. Always and forever. From Wayo"

"I think he heard us," Beam said, looking down the hallway where my Wayo was just turning the corner at a run. He was running away from me, because I'd been too embarrassed to tell my friends the truth. I ran after him as fast as my legs could take me, but he got into a car and drove away before I could reach him.

**End of Flashback**

That was the last time I'd seen him until I'd found him moving into my dorms. I hadn't even recognized him and I made a mess of everything. Now that he was finally here with me and we were alone, I had a chance to talk to him. I wanted to make my feelings clear.

"N'Yo, do you think I'm a bad person?" I asked, trying to find out how he felt about me. I had no idea where to start or what to say.

"No P'Pha, why would I think that?"

"I haven't exactly been winning awards for kindness recently. I've been annoying you."

"Yes, but I've been annoying you, too."

"Why is this so difficult?" I looked at the ocean for a moment, wondering why I could never seem to find the words.

"Why is what so difficult? What's wrong?" Yo asked.

Did I say that out loud? "Nothing," I responded, trying to think of a way to explain how I felt. "Ai'Forth wants to court you. What do you think about him?"

"Are you really asking me that?" Yo asked. He looked at me in surprise, "Are you trying to help him?"

"Would that bother you?" I asked. I wanted him to say he didn't like Forth, but as usual, I couldn't seem to say what I meant.

Yo looked at me with disbelief and anger in his eyes. This is not what I wanted to happen, I wanted to know if I still had a chance, but I kept saying all the wrong things.

"Why does it matter to you? You've never understood my heart," Yo shouted at me, turning to go back to the hotel.

I wanted to stop him and hold him in my arms, but once again I stood there, completely unable to figure out what to do. Was he angry because he thought I didn't understand that he liked me? Hope burned in my chest when I thought it might be true. But the way he'd stormed away let me know I had just made him angry. How was I going to make this right?

I stood staring at the waves for a few minutes, calming my heart and gathering my courage. Then I went to find Yo. I was hoping I could talk to him on the way home, since he couldn't ride in the bus.

He wasn't in the room, but everyone had checked out earlier and the bus was already gone. I ran to the parking lot, hoping to see him waiting by the car but Kit and Beam were alone.

"Where's N'Yo?" I asked, feeling disappointed. "He didn't ride in the bus, did he?"

"He and N'Ming rode with Ai'Forth," Kit said. I guess I had been thinking on the beach for longer than I realized. Shit. I needed that time with him to talk.

"Did you say something stupid again?" Beam asked.

I didn't respond, I just climbed in the backseat of the car and leaned my head back. Yes. I definitely said something stupid.

I knew Forth wanted my Yo, so I had to get my shit together and make this right, but I didn't know what to say or do that wouldn't make it worse. Did Yo really not know how I felt about him? Had I finally messed up too many times?

Kit and Beam watched me nervously from the front seats. I didn't even know how to explain my stupidity.

"If you're thinking about N'Yo, you're about to be too late," Kit said, turning to look at me. "Forth is doing everything right, and as far as I can tell, you're doing exactly the opposite."

"Do you think N'Yo still has feelings for me?" I asked, voicing my biggest concern. If he didn't like me anymore, how would I win him back? I might not have done anything to show it, but my heart had always been his.

"Does it matter if he still feels the same or not?" Beam asked, glancing at me through the rear view mirror. "What's important is how you feel about him."

"You just have to tell him how you feel," Kit added. "You've liked him for so long, isn't it worth the risk?"

"It isn't that easy," I said. I didn't know how to explain my fears.

"Maybe it isn't easy," Beam said. "But maybe you're the one who's making it difficult. Do you remember the reason you lost him back in high school? Because you care about other people's opinions more than you do about following your own heart."

"I've been trying, but I don't know what to do anymore," I said. I don't like being scolded but their words are hitting home.

"You don't have time to play games, Pha," Kit said. "If you don't get it together you're going to lose him and you might never get another chance."