Broken 17: Litrato
When did it start?
Maybe it goes way back, even before I was known to be alive.
I have heard of stories of the love of my parents. Noon, hindi ko pinagtutuunanan ng pansin kasi naisip kong hindi naman mahalaga at importante.
Who would have thought that I would be thinking about it while crying right now?
The relationship of my parents were shaky even before I was known to be in my mother’s womb. They were on and off. They fought so much. That’s what I heard and I think it's reasonable to think about it now. It fits perfectly in the puzzle.
I can imagine my mother so devastated when she realized I entered the world inside her womb. She was young, only turning nineteen. Hindi pa man ako nakakalabas sa mundo, inaayawan na ako ng mga tao. Inaayaman ako ng sarili kong ina.
I took her youth. I took her liberty. She was so young and I know she didn’t need nor want me.
I can imagine what she could have been without me. Mayaman na siguro siya ngayon, successful. Bachelorette. May boyfriend na mayaman o naghahanap pa lang ng boyfriend.
Sinisisi ko ang sarili ko. dapat hindi na lang ako nabuhay. Dapat… kahit nalaglag na lang ako.
I’m a mistake that never should have happened.
I heard she almost lost me. I shouldn’t had held tight on her womb. Na sana mahina ako noon at nalaglag na agad ako. she could have been happier without me.
Naririnig ko noon sa mga kapatid niya. How she was happy with the thought of losing me and how devastated she was when the doctor said I was still there.
I should not have survived.
O kahit sana hindi na lang ako buhay noong makalabas ako sa sinapupunan niya.
To think that her family sides with her… is saddening.
She hated me. She did not want to touch the infant me. I was crying there, alive, but she was crying, thinking that I should not have lived.
She didn’t breastfeed me. Dati naiisip kong wala lang iyon, but I realize it now. Her milk was dehydrated before I could even taste it. she wanted it dehydrated so I couldn’t touch her body.
She never caressed me in my first month alive.
Si Tita Marinita ang nag-alaga sa akin. pinagtakpan siya ni Tita Marinita noong nasabi iyon sa kain dati. But now, I realize that it was a lame excuse.
Hindi raw makatayo si Mama noon. Hindi raw makalabas ng hostpital.
I was in the hospital, too. It's an easy access with the help of nurses. Kahit nakahiga lang siya she could’ve helped me, caressed me. But she didn’t.
And are you kidding me? One month? She could not stand? I was not even healthy when I entered the world! Huwag mo sabihing nai-stretch ko siya ng sobra sa liit na size kong iyon? I saw my birth certificate! I was less than three kilograms!
My mother wants me gone. I want myself gone, too.
I’m sure of it now. Hindi naisip ng magulang ko, ng Mama ko, na magstay sa isa’t-isa kahit para sa akin lang. Bakit nila iisipin ang kasiyahan ko kung ako ang nagtanggal ng kasiyahan nila?
She could have gone to bars and clubs. She could have enjoyed her youth. She could have had a great life. I stripped that away from her.
But is it really okay to strip my happiness, too? Is that revenge?
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