Trapped with the Cactus-Lover

Chapter 33

Terry

Fudge! Saan ba ang daan palabas ng bahay nila Sam?

Naiiyak na pinunasan ko yung luha ko. Oo na. Alam ko na taliwas na naman yung sinabi ko. E sa ganun yung ginagawa ko ngayon. Punas ng punas ng luhang hindi natatapos.

Damn insecurities? No, I'm not sorry that I'm not sorry.

No one will understand the turmoil I'm going through. Yung gusto mong i.embrace yung bagay na hindi naman para sayo. Yung gusto mong maniwala. Yung gusto mong umasa. Yung gusto mong maramdaman na kahit paano ay kapili-pili ka din naman.

But heck! Why would Sam do that?

Pagod na ba talaga sya sa mundong ginagalawan nya? Kaya naghahanap na sya ng thrill ngayon? How about yung mundo ko naman yung iinvade nya? Ganun ba?

She's asking me to swallow all my pride. To just deal with the inner demons that no one can see but me. She's asking me to just take everything in silence. To be someone I am not.

I can't be like that.

I love you, Sam. But no, you can't make fun of my feelings for you. It's not cheap.

"Terry, halika na."

Napaangat yung mukha ko ng makita ko yung mukha ng Grandpa ni Samantha.

Hindi pa din ba sya tapos na ipamukha sa akin kung gaano kalayo ang agwat namin ng apo nya?

"I'll lead you out, maliligaw ka dito panigurado. At kapag nakatakas si Samantha sa Mommy nya, she'll surely hunt you. Believe me, you may not want that to happen." 

He's not mad. But he's not friendly too. Siguro ganito talaga makipag usap yung Grandpa ni Sam. Firm at straightforward. Yung walang paligoy-ligoy.

Nakayukong sumunod ako sa kanya habang tahimik syang naglalakad. Ako man ay tahimik lang din na nakikiramdam.

Siguro naman hindi sya galit sa akin hindi ba? Wala naman akong ginawang masama. Tinanggihan ko lang naman si Samantha dahil sa pansarili kong rason na marahil ay alam na din naman nya.

Sam isn't capable to love.

"My Samantha is asexual. Not cynical."

Napaangat yung mata ko sa direksyon ng lolo ni Samantha. Ano daw?

"I've heard you." Sabi pa nito habang naglalakad kami. Binagalan nya yung lakad nya na para bang nagistroll kami sa park. "Sinabi mong Samantha is not capable to love."

Gusto nya ba talagang makipagkwentuhan? That's weird. But he's Samantha's ancestor. So malamang pareho silang weird.

"Pareho lang naman din po iyon. Sa concept ay iisa."

Tumawa ito ng mahina. Pero dinig ko din.

"No, Terry. Asexuals can be romantically inclined too. They just don't feel sexual urge. But don't get me wrong, I've met few asexuals that developed desire on their partners. Sam's dad is asexual too. But look at them, isn't it romantic that asexuals can only develop desire to someone they feel deeply inlove with to be able to share themselves? "

Yung Daddy ni Sam? Hereditary din ba yun?

Ngumiti ito.

" You're too transparent. Maybe that's what Sam sees in you. "

" Po? "

"No, sexual preference are not hereditary. But their environment might have something to do with it."

"Hindi ko naman po tinatanong." Umingos ako. Hindi bale na kung walang galang. Hindi naman na din naman kami magkikita ulit hindi ba?

"Sinabi ko na sayo. You're too transparent. You don't have to ask. It's obviously written on your face. I've met a lot of people, Terry."