Bar Red's Redemption ✔

c h a p t e r. 39

"Broken people don't hide from their monsters. Broken people let themselves be eaten."
― Francesca Zappia

chapter 39

"Just tell me how you feel."

"I don't want to talk about it," Bar said for what felt like the thirtieth time in the last week as Law followed him from his kitchen and to the living room, plopping down on the couch--- unable to sit in his favorite chair where Culpa was curled up.

That's where Clementine always used to sit.

He can't stay too long in the kitchen either, imagining Clementine's laugh and the smell of her hot chocolate in the morning always wanted to choke sobs out of him.

The guest bedroom can't be entered, all her stuff is in there and it smells like vanilla and ambrosia.

His balcony was off-limits, the phantom sound of her typing echoed from the railing.

He could barely go in his bedroom, where they shared their first unintoxicated kiss, where they were when he asked her out, where they first made love, where they spent hours holding each other and smiling.

His whole apartment turned his brain into a war zone— thoughts fighting against one another.

His whole body was aching without her.

"That's been your answer every time I have asked you that," The nerd grumbled, sitting in one of the bean bags and watching his best friend nonchalantly pull open a book.

The brute tried not to let sorrow leak out of him but he couldn't stop it.

If heartbreak were an expression, Bar could wear it well.

"I thought that you would've gotten the hint that way," Bar said, eyes scanning the book's page but not reading.

Law sighed, "Just tell me if you're okay."

"I'm alive, that's okay enough."

"And?"

"And today," Bar said, "I'm wearing a nice fucking shade of exhaustion under my eyes."

More like for the last week Bar had gotten a whole two hours of sleep each night and had purplish bags under his dark eyes.

No one told him heartbreak would leave his arms empty, head heavy, and nights without sleep.

But maybe that's not something anyone can warn someone else about.

Maybe heartbreak is a solitude experience.

"Come on, man." Law finally growled out, patience wearing thin. "We've been through enough shit together, you don't have to pretend you're fine. You're not fine."

"You don't think I know that?" Bar snapped, fingers digging into the books spine. I know I'm not 'fine'. Fuck, I know that."

"Then why are you pretending to be--"

"Because," Bar snarled out. "If I don't, I'll break, okay? I'll break! Every goddamn thing just reminds me of her and--"

The brute cut himself off, eyes going over to Law when the nerd let out a dark groan.

Yeah, get in line, buddy, Bar thought bitterly. I'm fed up with myself, too.

"It's okay to break, I'll help put you back together," Law reassured.

Oh, there's no going back from that kind of breaking.

Bar paused, "I think... if I let myself feel this-- if I let myself break, I won't want to come back together. That I won't even be able to."