Just Tell Me (Kili Fiction)

Chapter 11: The Pain

I found myself a room to sleep in much later and let the darkness take me instantly. The bed was so soft and the air was thick with musk as it hadn't ever been used since the age if Smaug. Letting my fingers toy with the patterns, i let all the stinging behind my eyes boil, turning into tears at last. I felt my chest heave and turn to short gasps, thinking of what he'd just said.

Kili denied the love i gave him. I knew it. I knew it was too good to be true. I Was worthless. Eventually i became too tired to think and function in a heap of my own gasping tears. I willed my mind to darkness at some point.

When i woke up, i lost all sense of time. But i found myself with one soul idea in the back of my head and couldn't turn myself away.

I wanted to see Fili. I wanted to feel his arms embrace me and comfort me like a father.

Once i managed to stand, i stood too tall to be seen and got myself into fresh clothes from the oak dresser. The dress i wore was covered in fur. I let myself brush my hands over the softness for as long as i wished. The comfort soothed me and when i could will myself, i left the room. I wandered through corridors until i reached the main hall.

Once i was in the main hall, i saw Thorin speaking with a few dwarves i never recognized.  Without thinking, i walked over to them, a tiredness running through my body. When i came close to him he turned to me, giving me no emotion at all under his stare.

"Where is Fili." I demanded. The King's eyes widened at my request. He opened his mouth to respond his eyes dark but i knew he would ask why.

"Please. I don't want to talk." His eyes changed from angry to confused and startled.

"He's gone outside the gates. I don't know how far." He turned away without another word.

I couldn't tell why, but every move i made was without emotion. Every word was without care.

I eventually found may way out of the mountain. I was fortunate enough to find Fili stroking a horse just beyond the gates. His face darkened when he saw my lifeless eyes.

"Yes?" He said, leaving the horse to the side. I never spoke but stood still with glassy eyes looking at him. A ghost. He never spoke again.

A tingling erupted inside my heart and spread to my eyes and scratching at my throat. I winced at the terrible feeling until i couldn't hold back the boiling water.

"Fili." I managed to croak in a strained voice. I felt my feet stumble forward and his stance fill with sympathy as he held me how i wanted. His scratchy beard tickled my chilled neck. "Oh, Fili." I cried and wrapping my arms around him. It was like holding a brother. Relief was all i could feel as the tears came too strongly and my breathing gasped over his shoulder.

We stood like that for the longest time until i let go and stood back. I thanked him and he replied by thanking me.

"Why?" I said, looking down at my hands.

"For loving my brother. He needs the love you can provide and i can swear to you that even though he may lie-he has to be lying- he feels for you. He cares and i know." His words stung me. And i savoured then with an uncertain hope. I would ask again. I needed to ask again.