"Hush...my dear." A strange and dark yet familiar voice wrapped around my neck as the stranger pulled me close to him. "A quick bite and I promise it won't hurt just a little..." I froze as I felt his grip stronger and his warm breath tickle my neck. I couldn't believe that this is happening for real.
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TITLE: 4/5 I like the title on the book cover better. You should change it so it matches the cover.
COVER: 5/5 The cover has a creepy vibe that fits the story subject. I would just center the author's name and leave a space between the title and name for more impact. Great job Goldenunseen .
DESCRIPTION: 8/10 Enticing and creepy. I love, love, love it! Having said that I see some problems. First, how does a voice wrap around your neck? Two, it should be 'tickling my neck' and three, you have a tense problem. 'I couldn't believe that this was happening for real.'
"Hush...my dear," said a strange and dark yet familiar voice, the stranger pulling me closer, icy fingers wrapping around my neck. "A quick bite and I promise it will only hurt just a little..." I froze as I felt his grip getting stronger, his warm breath tickling my neck. I couldn't believe that this was happening for real.
I'm not sure it's perfect, but I tried.
PLOT: 28/30 Right from the beginning the story jumps into action. This is an awesome way to capture your reader. Telling the story from the first-person point of view also adds to the urgency and puts the reader in the story.
The next chapters detail your character's back story and show her flaws. This is great as they become more like a real person to the reader. Also, I like that you showed the main character's bond with her grandmother. In real life, people are not perfect but we still care about each other. It was skillful how you described her loss and how she finds the vampire house. I like the twist that comes later about her mother.
DIALOGUE: 9/10 The dialogue is well done as you can see the character's personality in how they say things.
DICTION: 7/10 You sometimes use the wrong word so I suggest you try Grammarly to help you catch the mistakes.
Don't say it was more dark instead say it was darker or getting darker.
It smelled like chocolates, not it smelt chocolates.
GRAMMAR: 6/10 Sometimes the tenses don't match in the sentence and I saw you forgot to capitalize proper names and the first word in a sentence. Those are some things to look out for when you edit. Honestly, this is your biggest problem.
AESTHETIC: 5/10 Aesthetic wise the book looks boring. You could put a banner at the top that repeats every chapter or a picture that goes with the chapter. Pick a vibe that goes with your story and repeated the same style in every chapter. It would also be more attractive to have titles for your chapters.
ORIGINALITY AND APPEAL: 9/10
This is your strong point. You are a good storyteller just a bit ruff around the edges. Your story made me want to keep reading.
I really enjoyed your clever and imaginative book. In the May contest, I voted your book the best in enjoyment. I think if you fix a few of these things you will score great in other contests that you enter.
