I killed my sister

chapter 25

The next day I was given the all clear and the bleeding had stopped. They said it was a threatened miscarriage and that I had to take it easy for he next few days. They gave me my due date, 28th May next year and told me to make an appointment with my gp surgery to see the midwife. They had also printed me off a couple of pictures from the scan. I hid them in my purse. I had realised when I woke up that I didn't have any clothes to wear as my dress from the party had been broken when they tried to get me out of it. The midwifes where very good and they found me some scrubs that I could go home in and put my stuff in a bag for me.

I had enough change on me to get the bus home but before I left the ward I called Jason to see if he would come pick me up. He didn't answer, I called again and again on the 4th try it went straight to voicemail as if he had turned his phone off. I left a quick message "just wanted to let you know I'm going home". I grabbed my stuff and walked out to the bus stop.

The whole ride home I kept checking my phone to see if Jason had text me, but each time my phone was blank. I made it home and the house to blank. Empty of my pare to again. This time instead of feeling annoyed I was thankful they where not here. I needed some time to think about this whole situation. I'm only 18 and Jason is still 17. We are in school still how can we have a baby and do school. I wanted to go to university next year and get a degree. I wanted to eventually move away to America and run my own business.

I suppose all of that is gun a go out the window now. But there is option I always have options. That's what the midwife had said to me, I still had time to make a decision. Not long as longer I left it more complicated it got and my options would be less. The obvious thing to do would be to have an abortion but I have never believed in that for me. Don't get me wrong I belive every woman should have her choice and be able to have one but as a personal choice I always said I would never do it.

The other option is adoption, I could find a nice family who would want it. But I don't know if I could go through a whole pregnancy feeling the baby move and kick and go through labour and birth the just hand it off to some strangers. It would break me knowing that there is a part of me out there that I would never see again and they would never know me and what happend, why I gave them up. Having them call someone else mum, when I'm their mum.

Of course I had another option I could keep it. I could raise this child on my own or if Jason wanted to help he could be there. I know he won't want to be with me like a traditional mum and dad but who really cares about that now a days. Traditional parenting isn't really a thing now is it. What of he doesn't want anything to do with me though or it.

I picked up my phone again, still nothing from Jason. I searched the Internet for adoption a agencies and looked at the procedures for giving your child up for adoption. It seamed really complicated and there was a lot of legal talk. It was made easier as I was 18 but it was still going to be very difficult. I could choose the family I wanted to have my child if I wanted or I could just leave it up to them. There was always a chance that they may not find a home for it and it would go into foster care, now that I certainly didn't want. Some of the stories that I read about adoption had me scared. There where a few where the birth mother had changed her mind after giving birth and decided to keep the child, completely hanging their minds on their whole life's. There was also one story where the birth mother gave birth in the hospital and she had chosen a lovely couple for her baby to go to. They seamed perfect but when they came to the hospital after the birth they looked at the child a day walked away and never came back. She was later told that the parents did the like the way the little girl looked they though she had something wrong with her and they hadn't signed up for that.

That scared me that poor women made the heart breaking decision to give up her baby so it could have a better life and the ew pare to did that. They left her to raise the baby on her own. The woman is happy now with a perfectly healthy baby girl and wouldn't have it any other way. Just knowing how bad it could go though and that it isn't full proof scared me. It didn't seam like a viable choice for me.

I also looked at abortions and wished I hadn't. It was horrible what they do to get the baby out. They basically kill it then such it all out. I started crying at the though of stopping that poor little babies heart from beating and ripping it apart. I couldn't do that it's murder to me. This baby has a heart beat I can't stop that.

So I guess I'm having a bay then.