PREVIU || Pemuja Heroga

2 0 1 7 | dua puluh*

Haden mengambil jeda, mungkin memberi masa untuk aku hadamkan apa yang baru disampaikannya. "You asked me a question but you already set its specific answer in your mind, so no matter what I said, if it doesn't fit to what you want to hear, you won't accept it. Even if I tell you my truth, you won't be able to digest it. That's how powerful our mind is."

Mataku mula terkebil-kebil. "I still don't get where you're going with this, what it's got to do with what I asked."

Haden mengemam bawah bibirnya dan menarik nafas. "Take tonight as an example. If you really want to be alone, you would've stopped me from coming in. But that's not really what you want, isn't it? Because deep down you know what you really need."

Aku terus mengalih wajah, terasa dengan tebakannya. Tapi Haden sentuh tepi wajahku dan menarik aku memandangnya semula. "Be honest with yourself. Don't you need a nice company tonight? Don't you wish you had a shoulder to lean on? A friend to cry to? Someone to tell you that it's okay to not be okay sometimes?"

Wajahku mula mengugut untuk mencemik wajah hodoh. Tubir mataku sudah penuh dengan air mata yang hanya menanti untuk gugur ke pipi.

"I'm here for you. Why? Because that's what you manifest. That's what you truly need for tonight. That's how powerful your mind can be, without you even realizing it. Imagine its full potential when you really set your mind to something."

Air mataku gugur. Aku tak terkejut langsung heroga ini pandai menutur bicara untuk melunakkan setiap jiwa wanita di hadapannya. Dan sebab itu jugalah, jatuh cinta padanya akan menjadi perkara sia-sia. Tapi kenapa sukar sungguh untuk aku bendung putik perasaan itu? Apa yang aku mahukan daripada lelaki ini sebenarnya?

"Set your mind to be happy. Set your mind to not care about what other people perceive of you, what I perceive of you. Because it doesn't matter. It's what you perceive of yourself that matters. Be honest and take accountability on every single thought you put into your mind. Because that's what's projected into real world. And so to wrap everything up and to answer your question; we crossed boundaries a couple times before because it's what your mind asked of me. You don't like that answer, don't you? It's fine with me either way. But I want you to know that it's never too late to reset your mind and prioritize thoughts that will make you happy, especially when you're sad."

Aku mahu kucup bibir itu. Bibir yang menuturkan setiap patah kata yang menyebakkan jiwaku, memujuk semangatku. Aku pandang bibir itu sebelum aku jadikan kemahuan itu satu realiti. Aku pegang bahunya, mara ke depan dan kucup bibir Haden beberapa saat dengan mata terpejam, menunggu jika ciumanku dibalasnya, sebelum perlahan-lahan kembali ke posisi asalku dengan rasa kecewa. Darah keseganan terasa merembes ke seluruh wajah.

"Was that what you needed? To kiss me?" tanya Haden apabila aku meneguk liur dan tunduk malu kerana Haden tidak membalas ciumanku. Lalu tepi wajahku dipegang lagi dan hujung jarinya mendorong kepalaku ke atas semula. "Look at me," pintanya dan perlahan-lahan aku turutkan. "Was that what you truly needed from me tonight? Ask that question and be honest with yourself. Put your mind to the truth."

Mata kami berpandangan. Aku tak tahu berapa lama aku pandang ke dalam matanya, cuba mencari jawapan kepada soalannya. Tapi untuk saat ini, aku cuma mahu ciumanku tadi dibalasnya.

Dan seperti magik, Haden terus memegang tepi kepalaku dan membenamkan bibirnya di bibirku. Tak sampai sesaat, aku sambut ciumannya dan membuka mulut, menjemput lidahnya masuk. Panas dan mengasyikkan. Dadaku turun naik dan tanganku terus memeluk tubuhnya, mahu menarik Haden berbaring di atasku.