Ha Yun saw that Namjoon's eyes held a forbidding and towering mountain of iceberg with iron shackles around it. Inside there was an ocean of loneliness, love and sadness that was never allowed to flow out. His soul laid at the bottom of the pitch black darkness of his ocean of emotions.
Drowning.
She gasped and horror gripped her own soul. Her soul recognized the drowning soul.
Instinctively, she held both of his hands tighter transferring her warmth. Instantly, she mirrored his emotion. The sensation of being drowned and being swallowed by this immense sorrow engulfed her.
This sensation was so heartbreaking that her own tears slowly escaped and flowed down. As time passed more tears streamed down her face and her body turned colder as the coldness transferred over.
"Why are you crying? Am I making you uncomfortable?"
He touched her face to wipe the tears away. He was already blaming himself for her unexpected tears.
Her tears blurred her vision and her heart ached as it was impaled by multiple ice spears but she fought to concentrate. The warmth of their intertwined hands spread to warm each other's bodies in a wave of tingles. His smooth forehead wrinkled, as they looked at each other trying to read each other's souls.
"I am crying because you don't allow yourself to cry. I am crying on your behalf."
Her heart hurt as it expanded and constricted to channel the sadness out. Hot tears continued to stream down her face in front of this strong but fragile man. Her breath labored as the pain intensified.
His eyes were wide as he observed her reaction but remained silent. So they just stood like that for a while. The escaping tears flowed down and slid down her lips. She could taste his sorrow.
He kept comforting her as she continued to cry like a child that had his cotton candy snatched away by the wind.
As the sadness began to subside and the tears ebbed away and wrung dry, she looked into his eyes and saw that the ocean of sadness had ebbed away. His soul was floating on the surface gasping for air. The mountain of ice still stood with its impenetrable gloom.
It would take more than crying to crack it open.
After she calmed down from that suffocating sadness, she touched his face and asked him again.
"What's wrong?
"Your smile and words said you are okay but why did your heart and eyes say otherwise?"
"Who hurt you now?"
He looked at her and diverted his eyes to the floor. Wondering if she was truly honest and whether it was safe to bare open his shadows towards this stranger.
She followed his eyes that moved from side to side as he pondered.
What was happening behind that clear and thoughtful eyes of his?
What kind of inner turmoil was he battling?
What kind of demon was he forced to fight again and again?
Why did he put up that wall of ice?
What was he protecting himself against?
He was trapping and drowning his OWN soul.
"No one hurt me. I hurt myself."
He was still looking at the floor and she felt like he was slipping away.
Frustration bubbled up inside of her. Why can't he see what she can see?
He was fighting a meaningless battle against HIMSELF.
She suddenly had this sinking feeling that no matter what she said, he would not believe her because he couldn't see what she saw. She couldn't save Soo-Jin, she didn't want to lose another innocent soul who couldn't see who he really was.
She put her palm on his cheek and searched for his eyes, passed the smokey eyes makeup and colored contacts straight to his soul.
"Kim Namjoon-sshi, well done."
She smiled as his soul opened its dark brown eyes and looked up at her.
His blue contact eyes focused on hers.
"You have been fighting for a long time. It must be scary to fight against the world to create your own vision as reality. Your voice had reached out to people. Especially the people who needed to find themselves. They got your message and they will use it to create a better version of themselves."
He looked at her as if he couldn't believe what he had heard.
"Did I do a good job?"
Tears started to brim behind his eye rims.
She smiled and nodded.
"You have done better than good. You saved lives."
He let out a breath of relief and the heavy pressure on his shoulder, he had been carrying all these years started to vanish. The ice mountain rumbled as one of the shackles unlocked and dropped into oblivion.
"Now, it is time for you to find yourself too."
He was silent as his mind raced to deliberate. The protective mind of the parent assessed the situation, ready to throw another shackle to reinforce the ice wall but the young soul bravely stopped it. No parents could win against their child.
She smiled and nodded to the young soul. Be brave. Have courage.
"How do I find myself?" He finally uttered. His soul did.
"Slowly."
"How do you know?"
"I can see you ." she said.
"What?"
"The real you. The one who you are asking about all your life.
He looked surprised.
"The real me? How do you know?"
"The real you is waiting for you to make friends with your ego and shadows. It is waiting for you to find the harmony within yourself. I cannot explain how I know but I just know. Like the mathematical question that I know the answer to but not the works."
"So, what is the real me? Is there a word for it?"
He looked intently at her.
"I cannot describe it in words. It is a symbol."
He let out a sigh and looked away.
"But I can show you."
She paused to see if he was taking it in. He still looked confused.
"For example, my real self, my soul is the light. Until I make friends with my darkness, sadness and loneliness I cannot be the real me because the light and dark cannot be separated. I can only be the true light once I stop pushing my darkness away."
He nodded in contemplation.
"You will find your real self soon. Believe me. I know." She smiled at him as he thought about her comment.
Then, they walked back to their own rooms and parted to prepare for the party.
(WORD COUNT: 1085)
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AUTHOR'S NOTE:***This chapter tries to capture and present a heavy topic about what Ha Yun thinks is happening inside Namjoon's heart.***What do you think about the iceberg concept?***Have you ever found someone that looked tough on the outside but was crying inside?
***If you like this chapter please comment and vote. Thanks :-)
UPDATE 28/8/2020 -Edited the chapter length into two chapters
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THE SEER OF SOULS // KIM NAMJOON
Fanfiction"Who am I? My shadow is getting bigger on this path of stardom. One day it will catch me and make me fear the spotlights. I fear one day I will crash and burn to ashes. I am tired but I cannot stop. Where on this path can I finally rest?" - Kim Na...
