Everything Inbetween Bones [BxB] ✓

Chapter 36

A/N: Hey, welcome back to the next segment of Ranting About my Mental Issues Vicariously Through my Characters, in this chapter we have gay sadness in the lunch room. I recently found FINNEAS and oh my god, I can't believe I forgot he's billie's brother, talent must just run in their family. Anyways, Partners in Crime doesn't really apply to this story, but it's one of the few songs that is just so beautiful it's made me cry multiple times, so give it a listen if you've got a minute. I hope you like the chapter and also have an amazing week.

At lunch on Wednesday, Logan took his salad and apple and sat next to Oliver. He decided he wanted to actually eat all of his food this time, even if he ended up skipping dinner, or had a panic attack over the dressing, or everyone looked at him weird. He needed to finish it.

He'd been trying to eat more recently, mostly because Oliver wouldn't stop bugging him about it, but he was trying to convince himself it was his own choice to make steps toward getting better and not because he just couldn't stand that look of concern and confusion on Oliver's face every time he refused to eat or the way his jaw ticked when Logan lied to him. Logan was sure he wasn't supposed to be picking up on the signs that Oliver knew there was something wrong, but he was also sure Oliver didn't know the extent of his sheer paranoia at the thought of anyone finding out. He knew they'd send him away to some clinic and where he'd be weight watched, and group sessioned, and force fed until he was fat again, he couldn't let that happen, he couldn't tell anyone. That didn't take away any of the guilt of lying to his boyfriend, though.

Syrus walked in a few minutes late to lunch, his hair just a bit messier than usual, and Logan only realized he was kind of staring when Sy looked back at him and Logan quickly shot his eyes back down to his salad. He didn't know when he'd stop feeling bad about what he'd done, if he ever would, scared that Sy would hate him and hold it over his head forever. Why shouldn't he?

Logan just took a bite of his salad and Ivy glanced at him, then down to his food before she looked at him again, Logan could tell she was a bit shocked and he shrugged. He hadn't actually eaten his salad at Lunch since Freshman year, back when he used to buy fries and sodas. It seemed like forever ago now, he could hardly remember how it felt to be okay with how he looked, he wondered if maybe he never was to begin with. His own self hate was one of the most consistent things in his life, even when he wasn't actively hurting himself, when he was trying to recover from self harm, or eat more than usual, or stop smoking, it was always there, just waiting. He wasn't sure why, but ever since he'd started being depressed, he had this overwhelming need to destroy himself in any way possible. It was never quite fulfilling, but sometimes, when he was standing on the scale in his bathroom staring at the number, or sitting in the bathtub watching blood trail down the drain, he felt the most amazing euphoria, a warmth and safety that he couldn't ever explain, it pulled him back every time he tried to quit. He could never seem to stop chasing that feeling, to have it back just once more, and still, it was never enough, he was never enough to satisfy himself.  

"The musical's coming together nicely." Logan said and Ivy smiled, nodding.

"Yeah, I think the actress for the queen is really doing the best out of the cast." Ivy said with a giggle and Grace grinned, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

"Shush you, you're going to steal the show." Grace said and Ivy rolled her eyes, kissing Grace's lips.

"Get a room." Sy said with a chuckle, taking a sip of his coke.

"Excuse me, problem?" Ivy asked playfully with a raised eyebrow as Grace wrapped an arm around her girlfriend's shoulders.

"Oh no, none at all, I just think you two could stop being disgustingly cute for a second and talk to everyone else." Sy said and Ivy laughed softly.