The Winchester Three (S4): Lazarus Rising

Ch 10 Section 5

Sam and Angel each sat on the hood of the Impala beside each other with beers in hand as Dean leaned against the side of the car beside them.

"I can't believe we made it out of there."

"Again."

Dean held out his bottle in a toast that both Sam and Angel participated in.

"So..." Angel sighed after taking a swig of her beer, "We gonna talk about it?"

Dean turned to her, "About what?"

"I know you guys heard him."

Sam raised a brow, "Who?"

"Alastair." She quickly looked away from them as she explained, "When he said I had promise."

Sam nodded slowly as they both studied her, "We heard him."

"And what? You guys aren't curious?"

"Ang, we're both a hell of alot more than curious, but you're not talking about Hell, and we're not pushing." Dean shook his head as he sent a look to Sam who didn't look like he agreed but stayed quiet anyway, "You can talk when you're ready."

"It wasn't four months, you know."

"What?"

"When I was... I didn't spend just four months down there." She cleared her throat as she explained and tried to keep her emotions in check, "It was four months up here, but down there... It was more like 40 years. Time moves a lot slower downstairs."

Sam's eyes widened in horror, "My God..."

"They, uh... They sliced and carved and tore at me and just... did such terrible excruciating things, in ways that you..." When her voice broke from the emotion she cleared her throat again and tried to keep her tears at bay, "Until there was nothing left, and then, suddenly... I would be whole again, like magic... like nothing happened, just so they could start in all over. And Alastair, at the end of every day, every single one, he would come over and he would make me an offer..." Pain and guilt sliced through her as the concrete wall holding in her tears broke, "He offered to take me off the rack if I put souls on, if I started the torturing, and every day I told him to bite me. For 30 years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore." She looked up at the two of them, pleading for them to understand, "I couldn't. So, like the coward that i am, I got off that rack. I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls I ruined." Tears were pouring down her face as her words were coming out as sobbs, "The- the things that I did to them. Oh God."

"Hey, hey," Dean walked over and caught her in a hug so she sobbed into his chest, "You're not a coward, Ang. You're far from that."

"Angel, look, you held out for 30 years." Sam rubbed her back from beside them, "That's longer than anyone would have."

"How I feel..." Her breath hitched as she cried harder, "This... inside me... I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing."