REINCARNATE

38, nightmare fuel.

"Have the nightmares gotten more frequent? You look tired."

Y/n sighed and nodded, her dreams were becoming more frequent and startlingly vivid, resulting in irregular sleep patterns. She'd been periodically visiting the hospital to get her body and mind checked, she couldn't afford to feel too stressed at this time.

Nightmares were unique to y/n, she found them both terrifying and comforting because they only ever depicted one feeling for her; losing people, the same people. She accepted their deaths and she moved on, that's what she told herself, but her nightmares voiced her doubts even years later. It was survivor's guilt, the guilt that caged her heart and told her it shouldn't have been her who lived.

Most nights she'd wake up drenched in a cold sweat, their pale, lifeless faces seared behind her eyelids. She would curl up into a tight ball and squeeze her eyes shut as Suna slept soundly next to her, frightened of whether they resented her for living.

"It's not exactly safe for me to prescribe you anything, with your current condition and all..." The doctor frowned, his unevenly cut bangs obscuring part of his face as he pushed his glasses farther up his nose.

"It's okay." Y/n smiled gently and stood up to leave, if she stayed any longer Suna would get suspicious. "My dreams are always the same anyways, it's like watching a movie on repeat; I already know what happens."

....................................

It was mid morning by the time y/n got home, her face flushed and breath short from her "walk". Suna was sprawled lazily on the couch, reading awkward fanfiction about himself with an amused but uncomfortable look on his face.

"Hey you." Y/n smiled gently and leaned over his face, planting a light kiss on his forehead.

"How was your walk?" 

The sudden change of tone in his voice confused her and she glanced away awkwardly. "It was great, kinda cold though. I need to start wearing a thicker jacket-"

Y/n inhaled sharply as Suna suddenly stood up and pulled her into a tight hug, resting his face against hers. She softened quickly and in return wrapped her arms around his neck, her fingers lightly running through his hair. They stood for a while in comforting silence, only the sound of the living room clock ticked away rhythmically in the spacious room.

"You know you can tell me anything right? You can trust me." He murmured.

Does he know? Y/n stiffened for a moment, afraid that he was going to find out. She wasn't ready to break the news to him yet, she needed to be sure first so as much as it pained her she knew he would have to put up with the silence for a little longer.

"I know, and I do." 

Suna silently gave a frustrated click of his tongue, he knew she was lying but the question of why still lingered on his mind. Mae had told him not to directly confront her, he'd only make her mad and scare her off, she wanted to personally speak to y/n first. 

"Alright fine, wanna help me make lunch?" He grinned, knowing that it would likely end up with him watching her cook because he couldn't cook for shit.

Y/n slapped his arm playfully and rolled her eyes. "If you mean help as in I do the actual cooking and you stand in the way sneaking bits of food behind my back then yes, I'll help you make lunch."

....................................

"The energy in the room is awkward." Y/n stated plainly as she busied herself with fluffing a pot of rice, there was no point in sugarcoating the unusual tension rising between them.

"Really? Well you already know I don't hide things from you." Suna replied nonchalantly, stealthily sticking his spoon into the bubbling pan of curry behind her back.

"Ok but you're itching to ask me something." She pointed the rice spoon at him pointedly. "Your eye is twitching."

The middle blocker sighed in defeat and plopped down on at the kitchen table, burying his face in his arms. The sound of footsteps followed by the soft screeching of a chair against the tile floor told him y/n was now sitting across from him, fingers laced and patiently waiting for him to speak.

"Well?"

"Well, it's actually more of a confrontation."

In that moment, y/n felt every cell in her body freeze. Does he know?

"You still talk in your sleep, like a lot and really clearly too. I could wake up at 4am and have an entire conversation just with what you're saying, and I have, it's pretty funny listening to you talk like Atsumu when he's drunk." He laughed a little in the last bit, reaching up to lightly brush away a strand of hair.

"But, the things you say have gotten really dark lately and I'm worried. Not about your diabolical plan of burning the house down with slices of cheese but the fact that you've started talking about the landslide again."

"Oh.." Y/n dropped her gaze, feeling tears well up in her eyes as she thought about the things she saw. She couldn't shake the look of betrayal on their faces, even Akane's whose face was obliterated, and it burdened her in every waking moment. 

"Talk to me." Suna pressed his lips into a thin line, recalling what happened the last time he overheard her sleep talking. He didn't want to start another fight.

"I just-" she waved her hands gesturally as she pushed herself to her feet to attend to the food on the stove. "I can't."

"Yes you can, you know I listen to everything you say." He stood up and laid his cheek against the back of her head.

"I keep seeing their faces, and they accuse me of being the one who lived. I see his face, and I can't help but wonder if he hates me because I moved on." She inhaled deeply, knowing how close she was to tears.

"Who? Nakamura?" Suna murmured in her ear, feeling discomfort and guilt as he tried to come up with an answer. He didn't like the thought that she might be going through so much conflict because of him.

"No, Kenta's. He was in so much pain, and yet when I called out for help he still came unconditionally. It's so unfair he kept everything from me until the last minute, like he thought his struggles carried less value. And now that he's gone, I just feel empty because I never got to return the favour."

Y/n gently turned the stove off, placing a glass lid on the pot. Her hands came up to wrap around his neck and she pulled herself closer, wanting to hide her face from the accusing voices in her head. 

"Would it bring you closure if you got to talk to him?"

She snorted softly and squinted her eyes. "If you're suggesting we pull up to his grave with a ouija board the answer is no." This earned her a light laugh from Suna as he soothingly glided his knuckles down the small of her back.

"No, I meant would it help if you visited his grave and talked to him?"

Still, she shook her head. "Thanks, for trying to lighten the load, but I think I know why this is happening. It'll go away soon, I just gotta hold out until then."

Unbeknownst to Suna she relaxed the minute he turned around, her muscles going slack as she tiredly leaned the back of her head against the wall.

It's okay, it'll be over soon. 

It'll be worth it.

A/N: Three chapters left :)