What If? (BoyxBoy)

CHAPTER ONE

I once dreamt of walking down the isle as I see the man I love waiting for me at the end of the line. Of course, in another country where same sex marriage is legal.

All those people we love staring at us in awe because they witnessed how our journey started until we finally decided to bind ourselves together as one.

I imagined myself in red suit while him in blue - our favorite colors. I imagined his teary eyed face looking at me as if I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I imagined myself as the last person in line because I am the one he's been waiting for to arrive.

Unfortunately, today is not that day. I am standing here behind him waiting for the entourage to start.

The best man.

Hindi ko rin alam ang pumasok sa utak ko kung bakit pumayag akong maging best man. Para akong sinaksak nang malalim dahil hindi na nga ako 'yung pakakasalan pero parang pumayag pa akong saksakin ulit dahil um-oo akong maghatid sa kanya sa altar.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

I simply nodded as an answer. Of course I lied. This setup will never be okay with me. Siguro, pagkagising ko bukas, magsisisi ako kung bakit ako pumayag. Siguro, bukas, magsisisi ako kung bakit hindi ko siya sinubukang pigilan. Mga bagay na walang kasiguraduhan.

The music started to play so we started walking. Tagpuan. He knows how bad I love Moira to sing in our wedding. A wedding that we could've had.

Unti-unting namuo ang luha sa aking mata habang naglalakad. I should hide this - I convinced myself. Walang dapat makakita sa aking naluluha ako ngayon pero hindi ko talaga mapigilan.

Bakit 'di maitama ang tadhana?

I lost it. Pumatak na ang luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan. Nang makarating ako sa harap, I made sure na hindi mapapansin ni Zeke na umiyak ako. I shouldn't ruin his wedding. This is my choice in the first place.

I tried so hard to compose myself. Tibayan mo pa, Pat. Kaunti na lang.

Luckily, I was able to manage hanggang sa mapunta na silang dalawa sa harap ng altar. Hindi ko pa rin maiwasang maisip na sana ako 'yon. Ako dapat 'yon.

Nang sasabihin na nila ang kanilang wedding vows sa isa't-isa, Zeke looked at my direction. No, Zeke. I won't stop you. I signaled him to go on because I really don't have any plan to stop this wedding.

"I can't promise you anything - not even the love you expect to receive. The only thing certain is that I will try my best to be a good father to our child."

His words sounded like he doesn't have a choice. I feel so guilty for that girl because she doesn't deserve that kind of uncertainty on her wedding day. She deserves better.

After the ceremony, I waited for everyone to go out of the church. All of their faces lit up for the newly weds while here I am forcing my smile to show that I am happy even though I'm not.

At the venue, I can't help but to think of going home already even though the program has not started yet. All of our friends' eyes look at me feeling sorry for what happened and it's making me more fragile. I feel like anytime soon, my tears will fall again.

"Martyr ka rin talaga, 'no?" Napatingin ako sa nag-iisang kasama ko sa table ngayon.

"Hindi naman ako willing mamatay." I tried to joke around.

"But you're dying inside?" He kept on insisting.

"Sira! Hindi naman ako si Darren." I continued on joking. Baka kapag sinagot ko siya nang seryoso ay hindi ko na kayanin talagang pigilin ang luha ko.

"Mas masasaktan ka lang kung hihintayin mo pang matapos 'tong event. Imagine - lahat dito masaya tapos ikaw, pigil na pigil 'yang luha mo." He seriously told me. Ramdam kong naaawa siya sa akin dahil alam niyang nasasaktan ako and I won't deny it.

"Alangan namang umalis ako. Magmumukha pa akong bitter." I rejected him.

"Pat, you have all the right to be bitter. Maiintindihan ng lahat kung bakit ka aalis."

Tumulo na lang bigla ang luha ko. I'm really trying my best to stop myself from acting this way pero hindi ko pala talaga kaya.

"Kunwari niyaya kitang umalis. Tara na, Pat. Mas mahirap umalis mamaya."