"I miss this silence whenever we are eating." He randomly uttered to break the silence. "Way back then, this kind of silence either meant that you are enjoying every bite of your food, you overthinking about the outcome of our exams, you deeply thinking about some work related stuff, or you daydreaming of all the good things ahead of us." He smilingly recalled. "Mukhang hindi na ganoon. It saddens me kasi pakiramdam ko, this silence only means na ayaw mo akong makasama talaga."
Para akong sinaksak sa mga sinabi niyang iyon. Kung alam mo lang, Zeke. Kung alam mo lang!
"Wala pa naman tayong dapat pag-usapan, tama?" I asked trying to sound professional to remind him na hanggang trabaho lang ang kaya kong pag-usapan ngayon.
"Akala ko okay tayo? Why do I feel like you cut me off of your life pagkatapos kong ikasal?" He desperately ask. Sigurado akong pareho kami ng nararamdaman ngayon na puro tanong lang ang nasa utak na hindi rin naman namin masasagot talaga.
"Ano ba dapat?" I answered. Siguro oras na rin para maging malinaw sa amin ang lahat. "Did you really expect na pwede pa tayong maging gaya sa dati?" My tear fell once again.
"I am not asking you for that kind of setup. Ang akin lang, huwag mo naman sanang iparamdam sa akin na pinagsisisihan mong nakilala mo ako. Kahit 'yun na lang, Pat. Kahit ganoon na lang." He begged in despair. He started tearing up as well.
"My God, Ezekiel? What do you want me to do? Celebrate with you kasi kinasal ka?" I asked in disbelief.
"No! But please stop giving me that blank stare na parang wala lang ako sa 'yo." He started shouting at me.
"Hindi ka rin selfish, 'no?" I sarcastically asked him. "Akala mo ikaw lang nahihirapan? Paano naman ako? I need to heal, Ezekiel. Kung merong mas nawasak sa ating dalawa, sana alam mong ako 'yon. Ako 'yung nagising na lang isang araw na wala ng boyfriend kasi nakabuntis ng iba. Ako 'tong nagtiis umattend sa kasal na hindi maiwasang isipin na sana ako 'yung nandoon. Ako 'tong hanggang ngayon nagtatanong pa rin kung nagkulang ba ako sa 'yo kaya unconsciously kang naghanap ng iba." Hindi ko napigilang ilabas lahat ng sama ng loob ko. "So, no Ezekiel. You don't have the right to expect me to be okay that easily."
"I'm sorry, Pat. You have no idea how bad I am blaming myself for losing you. Ang akin lang, ayaw kong mawala ka nang tuluyan sa buhay ko. Sorry for breaking your heart. Tell me kung anong dapat kong gawin para hindi ka na masaktan. Kahit ano, gagawin ko." He sounded so helpless.
"Kahit anong pilit kong isipin, hindi ko rin alam." I answered honestly.
He looked at me with all the guilt shown on his eyes. It's the same look that he gave me when he informed me that he got a girl pregnant.
I can't help but to feel more shattered. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ba ang dapat mas masakit. Mas masakit bang nakabuntis siya o mas masakit bang hanggang ngayon mahal na mahal pa rin namin ang isa't-isa?
"I love you." He smiled bitterly after uttering those words.
"It won't matter if I love you the same. Kahit ilang beses nating sabihin na mahal natin ang isa't-isa, kahit kailan hindi na magiging tama." I reminded him.
"Kapag nakakilala ka ng time traveler, pakisabi naman sa kanyang handa akong magbayad ng kahit magkano para lang ibalik niya ako sa gabing 'yon. Promise, makikinig na ako sa 'yo."
आप पढ़ रहे हैं
What If? (BoyxBoy)
रोमांसIn life, we're all bound to ask ourselves this question that we can't even answer because it never really happened in the first place. And no matter how much we wanted to turn back the time, we can no longer do so.
