The Alien Review Shop

Manjha Uljhe Rishton Ka

Title of the book: Manjha Uljhe Rishton Ka

Chapters Read: 10 (excluding cast and aesthetic)

Genre: Young Adult

Author: zindagikerang

Reviewer: thealien09

1. Title: 8/10

A title is either something that appeals to the writer and is representative of the story or it is something that could be alluring to a prospective reader. Yours is in another language. So, it is highly unlikely for an English reader to find (and it is indisputable that English readers make up most of Wattpad's readers). 

Now, this is completely up to the author. If you want to attract readers universally, you might want to change your title. If this is the title that speaks to you though, you have no reason to do so.

2. Cover: 8/10

When I zoomed in on the cover and squinted my eyes, I was able to make out that it was a girl that was standing in front of a hill. I liked the cover, honestly. Shambhavi has a mountain of an obstacle to get past and the cover depicts exactly that. Still, I think you can get a better cover that depicts the theme of your story and also the title.

3. Blurb/ Description: 9/10

Content-wise, it was neat. But there were a bunch of grammar mistakes that need to be fixed. Blurbs need to be perfect because they have a tremendous say in whether a reader would check out your book or not.

In your blurb, both present and past tense were used (not very overtly, but it would be better to fix it). In the sentence "Secrets revealed. Obstructions emerge", the first phrase is in the past tense while the second one in the present. The first one needs to be changed to 'Secrets are revealed'. It was fine otherwise. But, after reading your book, I know you have the potential to polish it further.

4. Grammar/ Spellings/ Punctuations: 16/20

The spellings and punctuations were mostly fine. A few typos were obviously there but they weren't a problem. The grammar was good aside from the occasional tense switches. Both past perfect and simple past could be seen. They weren't a deal-breaker for me given the errors weren't conspicuous.

The other thing would be clarity. Take this sentence: On her right stood Captain Rathore, seemingly impressed, and on the left stood captain Chauhan with a deathly calm expression on his face, his eyes focused solely on the hand belonged to Cadet Rajput and was only 3 or four inches away from Shambhavi's face.

This isn't just a run-on sentence, but the last underlined bit has a grammatical discrepancy. Logically, we know it is the hand that is away from Shambhavi's face but according to the sentence, it is Captain Chauhan that is inches away from Shambhavi's face. Replace the 'and' with a 'that' or modify the whole sentence so that the readers can take in the whole essence of this powerful scene. Such errors aren't uncommon in works universally, but whenever you edit the story, take notice of these small things.

I want to know one thing. Do the characters converse in Hindi. Or do all of them speak in English? If they originally speak in Hindi, convert all words like 'Bhookad', 'Acha', 'Yaar' to their English equivalents. If, however, they do converse in English and these are the actual words they use, it is fine. If you have a doubt regarding this, ask me.

5. Writing Style: 8/10

Your writing style is very unique. I liked the third person POV and how effectively it was used. I specifically really enjoyed the time elapses in the story. When the one month passed and then the three months passed, I realised I liked how it was not rushed. The characters were slowly getting to know each other and grow. People didn't fall in love span of two days.

Places to improve: In the chapter 'The Tough Life of a Cadet', the day was described something like this: After the drill, they had breakfast at this time, then changed and went to theory class at this time and then learned so and so till this time. They had a snack and so on...

I will be honest with you- readers don't like reading all this. At least not when it sounds monotonous. If it is important for you to add the time and mention every detail, spice it up a bit. Tell the readers how the students are feeling at the academy, which class did Shambhavi, Anant, Anisha most enjoy (in this way you can tell us about the periods and also about the characters). Keep it short and let us know. 

Now take this sentence: Captain Chauhan and Shambhavi had almost run into each other.

Shambhavi was sitting on a desk and thinking about Captain Chauhan's mood swings. Then the above sentence is written. It has three problems: When someone first reads this, they feel like Shambhavi is thinking about this and this has happened a while ago. When one realises this is happening right now, it feels a little abrupt. By that I mean that it wasn't fluid. And this is something I noticed a lot in the story. So, describe Shambhavi getting up, heading towards the exit and then they run into each other. Thirdly, it should be 'Captain Chauhan and Shambhavi almost ran into each other'.

I might be being nit-picky, but I feel like you should know. This is an honest review, after all. I hope this didn't come off as rude in any way. My only aim is for you to improve. Then again, this is just one person's opinion. SO, take all this advice with a grain of salt.

6. Organisation and development/ Pace/ Cliff hangers/ Character Development: 10/10

You nailed this! The development, both plot's and characters', was beautifully written. All the characters were slowly changing with time. Shambhavi becomes more carefree, Aniket Chauhan becomes more outspoken about his feelings and with experience, they both grow.

I have already complimented the pace and the transitions between days and months. It was just right.

Total: 59/70

Plot (On demand):

The plot is very intriguing. Well put together and absolutely gripping. I personally enjoyed the story.

I loved how you created suspense around Shambhavi's past. Never revealing much but giving enough for the reader to become engaged. I want to know what happens next and if time allows, I will read your book further to find out. Good job here.

My favorite chapters were 'Do Not Mess With Me' and 'King of Kumbalgarh'. We learned so much about the characters and their families so much through both.

Suggestions (Overall):

1. Edit your story keeping in mind all the above points.

2. Use figures of speech.

3. Make necessary changes in the Story Description.

That's it!

Pleasetell me if you found anything helpful. Wishing you luck in all your futureworks. And for this one as well.