The Alien Review Shop

Hidden Secrets

Title: Hidden Secrets

By sinaMW1209 

Reviewed by RowanCarver

Cover

Really nice drawing on the cover...did you commission someone? The small green text at the top and bottom isn't visible at all though. I like the HP font and everything, the green colors, it's appropriate for the fanfiction genre you are writing in here.

Blurb/Hook

The blurb begins with a quote from the original series by Dumbledore concerning the theme of your story: "The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing..." That's a really nice touch. Good job opening with your theme.

The next bit is some dialogue between "I" and "him," whom I'm assuming we'll meet soon. I like the "Mr. Arrogant" part. Parts of your dialogue are a bit awkward though. "I want you to know your place..." just feels a little forced and too forward...would someone really be that confrontational though? But maybe for this antagonist, you are trying to establish it's alright.

The last line "Lillith Bennett makes her way to Hogwarts on the edge of emotions," that last part is a little awkward. Maybe you can point at the fact that she has many emotions; something about "edge of" reads weirdly for me. Mixed tenses in that last sentence (future tense is generally not great to use in prose): "What happens when secrets are revealed and the truth unfolds?" might work a little more cohesively.

Conflict

Lilith v Wizarding World

Muggles v Wizards

Character Analysis

Lillith introduces herself to us in the first chapter; "My name is Lillith, Lilith Bennet, and I'm known as the outcast of this family." I think this is a cool way to start out and it clearly lets me know who the MC is and what to expect. I can predict an underdog positive change arc coming up (although I might be wrong, this sort of beginning would qualify for it). 

Also hell yeah I love that she can talk to snakes, I always was a big fan of the parseltongue stuff in the OG series. She's incredibly fun to read about because she's really sassy. She's been putting up with everyone's crap for too long (especially her parents, who are very Dursley-like) and she's tired of it.

Be careful when writing fan fiction not to take someone else's characters too far out of their characterization. Severus Snape giving Lillith her letter personally in the first chapter was incredibly out of character for him and not super believable...also I thought the owls were the ones to deliver letters.

Plot

The plot follows basically the same as Harry's did in the first book, but from a female MC's point of view, and with Snape in the place of Hagrid perhaps (which I was...not a fan of but I mean it's your book and that's just a personal opinion). 

The first chapter finds Lillith in her intolerable Dursley-like home where she receives her invitation to Hogwarts and makes her way through Diagon Alley. We have a curious interaction with Mr. Olivander regarding her wand that sets up for some nice conflict later.

 In the second chapter, we meet some of her old friends as she departs on Platform 9 ¾ and we meet the Weasleys.

The rest of the plot is actually pretty fun because it takes you through the events of the Philosopher's Stone through a completely different character's POV.

Theme

Truth, Lies, secrets.

Worldbuilding/Setting

The cool thing about fanfiction is that the world is already built for you. As a fanfiction author, you just have to make sure that your research is sound and that you stay true to that particular universe. The author does that. It helps that she follows the plot of Philosopher's Stone and doesn't have a lot of work to do setting or world-building wise and most readers already know what all these places are. 

She obviously knows what she's doing and she does stay true to that Wizarding World that we all know and love, without taking anything out of bounds.

Summary

I mean no offense, but this is definitely a classic Mary Sue fanfiction story. There's a place for that, a fanbase for that, and this is fine. Lillith inserts herself into the story and interacts with Harry and the rest as if the author is taking the script and inserting a new character in it from the beginning. If readers are into that sort of thing, then this is a fine entry for the fanfiction genre, and the author knows her HP trivia well. 

If you're a fan of Harry Potter then this is a fun read. I actually was surprised about how much I remembered about Harry Potter because it's been a really long time since I saw the movies/read the books, but I did grow up on it and I did love it, and this was a fun little trip down memory lane for me. Also, side note, nice job with the graphics, they were a nice touch.

See you, Space Cowboy...