dysthymia | zhong chenle

삼십구

❝ make a wish ❞

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her hands shot to her mouth, muffling the excess need to scream. her back was to the gruesome scene, and her eyes right in front of her. chenle froze too, hand secured ofer her shoulder to stop her from jumping out.

she squeezed her eyes shut, teeth digging into her palm to stop the immense need to cry, but the tears fell anyways. each fragile crystal, falling aimlessly off her eye.

amongst the crowd—including himself—that thought winwin should've gone to hell, and how he betrayed what he had left of the family. that he should've died ages ago because of a misunderstanding. how he made mistakes and how he failed in attempt to fix them. how he unintentionally hurt others.

it all crashed and burned, all the insults and all the threats, it all just crashed and burned. no one realised what they've done until they have to see the consequences unfold right in front of their eyes.

there's a reason for everything, and it's more than just what's on the surface.

winwin lived in agony being misunderstood, but he bared with it. he knew one day they'll realise. but now, he couldn't even tell them himself.

there was a few scratches of pen against a paper, and the soft wind that whimpered along with the atmosphere. the diminishing footsteps brought her back to reality as she saw a body appear in her peripheral. it was chenle, it was always chenle when she needed someone most.

leaning into him immediately, he wrapped a hand around the back of her head and pulled her into his chest as he crouched hopelessly on the ground. her grip was tight around his shirt, and the distant yet close cries were muted.

their first encounter in three months, was her breaking down in his embrace.

"i'm sorry" he leant his chin on her head "i shouldn't have kept prying for him to keep me updated"

"why does it have to be him?" she couldn't help but pull chenles comforting embrace closer "everyone made him the culprit when he was the victim. everything he's done is for my god damn life because he cared too little of his own. how messed up is that"

"that day, three years ago. he was black mailed. inho had gotten a hold of the nct member profiles and threatened winwin that if he was to not comply with starships orders, they were going to hand the profiles in to court. so winwin did what he needed to do, and followed inho..." she looked up at chenle, his hands instinctively going to wrap gently around her cheek, brushing a stray tear away.

"hah, funny thing was. we dug into it a bit more and found out that inho didn't even have the profiles, in fact, that jerk sold it to Stone thinking we wouldn't find it. why else did you think we chose Stone to hide away at in comparison to all the other available gangs?" she wanted to leave all these words for winwin to personally explain, but now that he didn't have the chance, it just kept spilling out of her mouth "as for where are the profiles now...it was with winwin while we rekindled with nct. i think he took the opportunity to slide it back into taeyongs office."

"he didn't mention anything, not a single word. he didn't want the pride and the thank you's, he didn't want to force their understanding nor did he want their pity" her eyes sliced into chenles "all he wanted was to keep everyone safe"

it pained him to hear these words from hyejin instead of winwin. all the curses and insults nct had shot at him and all the horrible glares they've given him, and even now, three years after the incident, trust was still not there. why must one realise what they've really lost once it's gone.

all the grief gathered at the corner of her eyes and all the agony clogged her throat. the memories sat unsettling in the hallow of her chest and the sadness was the veins that coursed through her body.

grief was just love with no place to go

she bowed her head down again, the fragile beads of salty tears stopped.

the hour glass had smashed, and the sand had poured out into fragments of loss.

"he didn't even get to say goodbye"

chenle sighed "he'll be back. as a shadow, as a dream"

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"are you okay?" jisung arrived in front of her, slipping into the seat opposite as he stared concerned into her dreary eyes

she shook her head, an exhausted, tiresome shake. TOP had let her visit winwin in the hospital for they knew the two were very close before they entered the gang.

she wasn't meant to be talking to jisung, but she was too mentally drained to even care. the whole of nct was actually at the hospital, but stayed a distance from hyejin for they were not going to risk hyejin ending up in the same fate as winwin.

"i'm not okay" she admitted, blankly "i'm not okay at all"

jisung sighed knowing there wasn't much he could do about it. she ran a hand over her face, looking straight at jisung with sadness drowning her eyes.

"come back to nct. we can keep you safe" jisung suggested like the rest of the members have been

"why do none of you understand the purpose of a contract" she hit her head on the table again "i wish i could. i wish i could do so many things but with winwin gone, i wish i could just grieve in a normal life"

"i dont trust you alone in TOP, and i know neither does chenle" jisung looked at her concerned, then rose his head to see chenle leave the hospital ward. he held eyes of sympathy and sorrow, putting a hand on jisung's shoulder as he looked heartbroken at hyejin

"you can come in" chenle gestured to the ward, in which she stood up expressionless and entered. she knew full well he was just a corpse at this point, and she had barely any shreds of hope left. winwin took a bullet to the heart, even if he's not dead, he'll die in his coma.

"thank you, for everything you've done for me." she wasn't sure what else to say. she owed him more than her life now, yet she still could not repay it in any way.

the door creaked open, and in stepped someone else. the presence lowered themselves next to hyejin, and placed a hand on winwin's bed

"taeyong?" she turned her head, slightly shocked that he was sitting right next to her

"there you go again, caring more about others than yourself. live well up there, since you couldn't live well down here. i know you will" taeyong patted the creases from winwin's blanket, smiling small.

"will you return to nct, hyejin" this time, taeyong faced her

"uhm" it wasn't that she didn't want to, she physically couldn't "i sorta signed a contract with TOP, you know, the one everyone signs before joining something as illegal as this"

taeyong let out a chuckle "we always welcome you with open arms. join whenever you can, and i'm sure winwin would want the best for you too"

"yeah..." she smiled at winwin's pale face "i'll miss him"

"won't we all?"

she watched the heart machine as it sped up, and then dropped all the way down, into one long line.

he was the hero that spoke the villains script

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