Nightingale

eight

4:00pm

I've been in Sarah's office for 30 minutes now and I can't fucking focus.

I had to read one of my journal entries to her and I chose the one about Harry of course. Since he came over I haven't been able to get him out of my mind. He's like a little parasite eating away at my brain. After he left I ended up text Eric and tell me we were done. Honestly I'm scared that if I didn't do what Harry said he would be upset with me.

Jesus why am I worried about him being mad at me we had one fucking conversation. Get a fucking grip.

"So Parker, after hearing what you wrote about I have a few concerns." Sarah states in a flat tone. She only talks like that when she's going to call me out on my bullshit.

"Just spill it." I simply state and continue to look at the clock behind her.

"You said that this supposed man makes you feel high and with your recent relapse I fear that you may be reflecting the conflict on whether or not to continue to use drugs onto this man." I look back at Sarah with a confused glare.

"Sarah I don't speak therapist you gotta dumb that down for me."

"What I'm trying to say is this may you trying to avoid your problems. You say he makes you feel high. What happens when that feeling goes away? Then what?" She deadpans

Okay well I knew she would be brutal but fuck I hate when she plays mind tricks.

"I don't know what will happen. I guess I'm hoping that it won't." I play with a loose string from my sweater to avoid eye contact.

"Will you turn to something else that makes you high?" Sarah then asks.

"No I already told you it was a small slip up. I want to stay sober." I look at her with a frown. It honestly sucks that my own therapist doubts my sobriety.

"Small slip ups tend to happen when you want to avoid something Parker. Tell me about the events that happened before your relapse."

Well I can't exactly be honest in this situation because by law she would have to report Eric and that's the last thing I want. Sarah is right though I am avoiding things because avoiding them is better than having to deal with them but I'm working on that.

"Eric and I got into an argument, nothing crazy but he said some really hurtful things. I tried to let out my emotions so I broke some glasses and a bowl and then went to flush the rest of my oxys and just couldn't."

"Well for starters that's not really what I meant by feeling your emotions our last session. I meant to tell someone your emotions at that moment. Why do you think you reacted the way you did to Eric saying hurtful things to you?" She says while writing in her notebook. I've always wanted to know what's in there about me, probably nothing good.

"He reminds me of my mom. Sarah we've talked about how she used to talk to me. I don't feel like repeating it." I sigh and look at the clock again. Only 20 more minutes.

"You can't keep avoiding talking about it again though. Your mother verbally abused you. There is trauma surrounding that time in your life. That's also around the time you started self medicating so I think it's safe to say that when you are yelled at your brain thinks it's in that unsafe situation again."

Honestly she has a point but I guess I never thought about it that way. I mean I've never liked to be yelled at and I'm pretty sure no one does but I don't think someone should flinch or expect hateful comments thrown at them when someone's voice slightly changes. Anxiety has a hand in that too because it makes me expect the worst.