It started as a joke DracoxReader

Aut mori conatur

If hell looked like anything, it would be this. The students chained and forced to watch as others ate meals in the grand hall as a form of punishment. Or students covered in bruises and gashes limping through the hallways. Hogwarts had become a miserable place, you wondered sometimes if Azkaban even held a candle. At least there the prisoners had done something to end up there, these students have done nothing, well, not the majority of them at least.

"Miss YLN" Flitwick asked as you seemed to stare off into nothing.

"Huh? Oh. I'm sorry Professor, I was just..." you stammered, how were you supposed to tell her you were wondering if there was a spell to regrow an entire arm.

"Just pay attention..." Flitwick along with most of the other professors were quick to ignore minor in-class infractions, seeing as the Carrow seemed to skulk every open hallway and listen to every conversation they could in hopes of hurting someone they hadn't yet.

You still wondered why they even bothered protecting you, although maybe it was because once upon a time you had been in Chorus with Flitwick. He had been one of the only people who told you, you deserved to be there. So maybe he was just going easy on you.

You wished you could tell him not to.

"My Sweet?" Draco asked as you pattered away at Herbology homework, the ink from your quill barely making marks on the paper as you didn't really have much to say.

"Yeah?" You asked, tapping the parchment. You were still somehow still surprised by how well he was taking all of this. Maybe it was because he had always seen pain like this, or maybe it was something darker.

"Are you coming to dinner?" he paced, settling finally at the spot beside you at the desk.

"No, I don't think so. I have to get this paper done. Professor Sprout won't be happy if I asked for another extension" you shook your head. You were at least a week behind on this paper. Then again you knew you weren't alone. It seemed a good majority of the class was having issues turning in assignments.

"Love, you need to eat something I haven't seen you eat anything in two days" he insisted.

"I had an apple this morning" you lied. You weren't sure how to explain to him that even walking into the Grand hall made your stomach churn, that seeing those students all lines up on the wall was worse somehow than seeing all the murder you had seen in your life.

"You're lying to me" he knew you all too well, you should have known he did. Considering you spent a majority of your time by one another excluding the solo class you didn't share of course.

"I'm just not hungry..." you leaned your head on your hand.

"Remember last year, when I told you I wasn't hungry. And you said if I didn't eat I wasn't allowed to touch you?" He asked. You couldn't help but smile a little at the memory. Because it was true, after finding out what he had to do Draco was having a lot of the same issues eating as you were. You watched him start to wither into himself, skin on bone. Depriving him of the one thing you could was all you could think of.

He had managed to go a week, then you watched as he ate almost as much as Crabbe that dinner. Maybe it was the skirt...

"I remember." you nodded.

"Well, looks like it's my turn to deny you." he crossed his arms. You raised your eyebrows at him.

"You think you have the strength to resist me?" you smirked.

"I know I have the strength to keep you alive." he leaned his hand on the desk "And if not fucking you so you eat is how. Then I will do what I have to do"

You sighed, you knew if you were in his shoes. Like you once had been, you'd be doing the same.

"How do you do it?" you asked, "How do you eat with them watching?"

"I grew up my whole life with eyes on me... Remember what I said about people always watching?" He gently let his hand stroke your hair. "I mean always"

"But this is different, they're starving them to punish them..." you shook your head.

"Not much different really, you know how many meals I had to eat in front of the elves? In front of Dobby?"

You knew the odd connection Draco had with his elves, they had nearly raised him.

Not that Narcissa wasn't a good mother, because she was, but the elves did everything. Cleaning, cooking, it had even been an elf that taught Draco how to read once upon a time. The disdain he had to portray for them was more so for his parents than himself.

He was actually quite soft on them. Not that he'd ever fully admitted it.

"You just have to do your best to pretend they're not there" he insisted. "Now please come with me to dinner... I don't think The Carrow are going to let you keep sliding either"

"I almost want them to punish me" you spoke before really processing what you were saying.

"What? Don't be daft" he pulled back.

"No, actually I do. Because then maybe we can walk into a classroom without everyone flinching or stop breathing entirely." you clenched your fist "Maybe then we can go into the library without everyone clearing out. People don't even care if we see any more"

"You will get used to it"

"I shouldn't have to. And neither should you" you stood. Closing your notebook.

"I did that part to myself. Even before the Carrow. You know that" he graced your skin with a gentle touch. "I swear to you. Someday they will all melt away. You get used to being a pariah"

"You know... we have always been on the outside. Wither because of the way we treated people. Or who our parents are. Or what we believe in" you took a moment to grasp what you believed in, or maybe more so what you used to. "But we have never been this"

"We're doing what we have to do to stay alive" he knew as well as you did what letting your mind wander did. Setting up a game you could never win, thinking outside of yourselves and your own preservation meant leaving yourself open. Vulnerability. "You think any of them would fight for us?"

You thought about your life here at Hogwarts, the friends you had made, and the people although your circumstance had managed to find their way into your life. You thought about the friends you may have had, had you found yourself placed may be in a different house. Or maybe not here at Hogwarts at all, but at Beauxbatons where you know your mother had wanted to send you. The people who were deemed the good guys from the start. The heroes. You thought about your friends, the ones you did make. Daphne, Vincent, Theo, Gregory and fuck even Pansy. Would any of them fight for you?

"No" You said finally. "I don't think they would"

"It's just us." Draco leaned his forehead to yours. "And I would die a million times if it meant standing here with you"

"And I would die a million times more if it meant not seeing you die even once" you wrapped your arms around his shoulders.

"One more year, and we're done in this place" he whispered.

"One more year," you paused, just because you'd leave Hogwarts. Didn't mean this hell wouldn't follow you, especially if you ended up there. In that Manor forever. "And we go?" you begged

"If he wins, we do whatever it takes to leave" he pressed his lips against yours. Once his lips parted yours you spoke.

"Aut mori conatur (or die trying)"

He took in a deep breath, maybe to steady himself. Maybe to inflate the words. But then he replied. ""Aut mori conatur (or die trying)"