Something In There (FAÇADES)

18•|THE FUTURE|

/CHAPTER EIGHTEEN/

SOMETIMES THE WORST
PLACE YOU CAN BE
IS IN YOUR OWN
HEAD
~🌺🌺

(Song; Never give up by sia🌺🌺🌺)

~LILY~

Stay at home, eat, write, read if possible, and sleep was what I had planned out to be my perfect Saturday though I knew that at the back of my mind it was far from perfect, it wasn't how I wished my Saturday would go.

It was finally Saturday, Nola's birthday party had arrived and while most of my classmates were busy preparing for the party, I was trying to keep myself busy by reading the book, Miss Belle gave to me on Wednesday. My mind drifted off to Miss Belle and the conversation we had together.

"What are your dreams and aspirations Lily?" She asked catching me off guard.

I looked at her face and thought about her question but I couldn't relay any answers to her, I was blank upstairs and my mouth couldn't even open, then she asked again.

"Lily dear what do you want to be in the future?"

"A business admin," I told her and she looked at me.

"Why? Why do you want to be a business admin?"

I thought about it for a while, asking myself that question numerous times in my head but I couldn't come up with a valid answer.

"I don't know," I answered her truthfully and she nodded.

"I'll ask you again, what are your dreams? What are your aspirations?"

I couldn't give her any answers, but it wasn't meant to be like that, the question she asked was simple, I just needed to tell her my future aspirations but I couldn't. Then I realized that I had none.

I didn't have a dream, neither did I have any aspirations.

"I don't know," I told her feeling embarrassed because I didn't have one.

"You've never dreamt of being anything?" she asked and I nodded in response. "Wow Lily, you know you're in your final class now and you still don't have a dream?"

I didn't say anything in response to her as my eyes started to water again.

God why do I cry easily?_ I lamented within me.

"Let's do something Lily," she said and I just gave her a nod. "Before the end of this term I want you to give me a list of things you love doing, then we would decide together and don't think it's too late to start dreaming."

I had a faint smile on my face as the whole conversation played out in my head, then I stood up from my bed, went directly to sit on my study desk and grabbed my pen and tore out a sheet of paper and started writing but I was still blank. I didn't know exactly what to write.

Five minutes later, I was still blank same as the sheet of paper, it was blank.

Ten minutes later, I was chewing on my pen as I thought of what to write but still my head was empty.

Some uncountable minutes later, I was almost sleeping because I still didn't know what to write. I gave up and angrily discarded the paper into my small bin. I was angry and furious at myself that I couldn't even do a simple task, I didn't know what I enjoyed doing, maybe I was really useless as people usually say, maybe truly I was a trash.

Tears cascaded down my eyes and I allowed it not caring about cleaning it because I was sad, just imagine, I didn't have a dream, then through my teary eyes I saw it, my book, My rap music book, laying peacefully on my desk. I smiled, grabbing the book quickly but my smile was short-lived as I reminisced how the book was given back to me yesterday, Friday.