Genius

Chapter 8

It was now Monday.

Sitting here in the back seat of my English class waiting for the teacher was calming . I just sat here looking outside the window . The clouds were different shades of gray . The windows sides were fogged up with drops of water running down. Thunder started booming as lightning came out somewhere far. The aura that came with rain is always peaceful and relaxing , I really needed this after the talk I had with Ms. Olivia.

I closed my eyes still facing the window and inhaled deeply . When I opened my eyes our English teacher came in.

"Today we're gonna do something different ... All of you are going to write an essay about what you feel about your life right now like for example , graduating. It should have 5 paragraphs " some students groaned, the teacher just rolled her eyes and continued speaking.
"Start right now"

I didn't know why but I began writing. I know a lot of things but I don't understand myself. It's like I'm a stranger to my thoughts.

I began pouring all my thoughts and feelings on a piece of paper using a pen. The pen gliding on the page gracefully with my neat handwriting.

Every thought and feeling, every secret that I bottled up for so long came bursting out without a pause or even hesitancy.

Everything I said and didn't say in my video recordings that I do every night just so I will not break from shouldering it all, I wrote it all down.

Not being able to talk about it to other people is shattering me little by little, piece by piece every other day until there's nothing left of me, just hollowness and emptiness that can no longer be repaired.

The feelings that I chose to ignore, making these distractions just so I could avoid thinking and feeling. I don't know if being in a state or task where you chose to block out every problematic thought is making me feel better or worse or more intelligent. All I know is inside this cold exterior, that I built to mask out everything, is a weak person who would rather surround herself with books, music, equations and inventions just so she cannot face reality and truth.

I'm just weak.

I was now nearing the 3rd paper. I kept writing. Expressing myself through it. Of all the things that I do to express myself, playing music, inventing, video recording, I didn't know that I would be expressing through writing it down. But as I sat there, I suddenly stopped. I stared at the 3rd page of my essay , half of it filled with words that came from my heart and mind.

I froze, questioning myself. It's like I was writing in a daze.

I came to a realization...

This was a mistake, no one should see this.

I was now Breathing heavily. I didn't know what came in me that made me write all this down. I never write my feelings, in case someone will read it, I only have sessions with Garret, him asking me questions about how I'm doing, I only record where the only person that can see it is me, I programmed it to be that way.

Never losing my composure. I breathed steadily trying to calm down. Hoping that my face didn't give anything away, I didn't even need to check if my facial expression is still cold and serious, it's always unmoving even if inside my brain is like a storm, even if some part of my brain is really trying to show every emotion inside my head. But I can't, and won't.

I won't be vulnerable.
I won't look weak.
I won't break anytime soon.
I won't waste everything that I built just so it would be shattered.
I won't let anyone in.

Even if every other part of my body wants to. I won't give in that easily. I'm messed up, broken, and alone.

I don't have anyone. I won't have a future, Rachel was right, I am nothing. A mistake. I would never become successful. When I die no one would notice that I died. Wiped out of existence, just another human being that hasn't fulfilled their duties in life.

I don't know what I would do if I would have passed that paper.

I closed my eyes for a second.

Then crumpled the paper...

Going back to staring at nothingness... Acting as if nothing has happened at all... Cause that's what I do best right?