Fluorescents

74

" Girl,
        You waste your time on daft pretty boys"

One of the boys sings in the hallway but we don't pay any attention to it at all.

My heart drums against my chest as his fingertips trace the sides of my face, my breathe hitched in my throat for the past two minutes, as we stare at one another. His trembling lip catches my attention as I desperately try to find meaning in him and the silence that's found a home in the room we lay in.

"Is that what you want?" I ask him, my insecurities getting the best of me and quickly making me question him and his feelings he's confessed not even ten minutes prior. " Are you sure that's really what yo-" I start speaking quickly and frantically but he cuts me off almost instantly.

" Yes-" the word cuts through the white noise that floats in between us and my breath hitches to the very back of my throat once again, my fumbling fingers dancing against my palm. " Yes, I do Jocelyn." he repeats with no hesitation or second thought. " Why is it so hard for you to believe that" he asks almost rhetorically.

I shrug my shoulders, but i'm lying. I do know. I know that every little thing my mother, father and even Brandon have told me in the past have made it so fucking hard to trust that anyone could possibly love and care for me. It's the same reason I spent my senior year of college letting men use my body instead of grieving over my uncle Slick's passing. So no, I couldn't trust anyone. Not even my own parents or the boy who I thought at the time was the closest thing to love id ever find.

" What do we do now?" I ask, my fingers still tapping against my palm and my attention set on the sheets now instead of his beautiful face in front of mine.

" Whatever we want." his sharp voice breaks through the room everytime he speaks and my stomach flutters in its spot. I'm not sure exactly what I want I just know that he has to be a part of it. I don't want to leave his side and I don't want him to leave mine.

I feel his eyes continue to bare into me and I manually try my best to breathe, the tension is thick in the air and I'm desperately trying to hold myself back from looking up at him. I know once I do and I catch a glance into his eyes Ill be met with utter disappointment or Ill be stuck in his trance once again. The largest part of me wants nothing more than to fall back into his trance willingly and freely. Yet the other part of me, the smaller yet stronger part of me, is scared that the second I look up i'll be met with his cynical eyes and the cruel smirk that he's given me every time he's toyed with my feelings in the past. I know I should move on but I can't deny that his words cut deep, the way he told me that I was a joke to him and a "good shag" or the thought that he merely wanted to use me to make Derek angry. I know it's not logical to think of now but I still can't manage to completely tear the cynical thought from the front, middle and back of my brain. It lingers. Peeling at every strand of hope Ive been desperately trying to hold onto.

" I'm scared-" i finally mutter in an almost completely silent tone. I hear him sigh from in front of me and a stinging feeling digs into my chest at the noise. He sounds disappointed and dissatisfied with my response and I have to hold myself back from pleasing him and telling him that I was lying, that i completely trust him and that I think this will work perfectly and we'll live happily ever after. " I don't know what to do, I just don't know what I want-" i continue rushed and not breathing in between but before I can cut my own oxygen flow he cuts me off once against.

" Hey, hey, hey-relax love" his voice is the softest i've ever heard it and I instantly melt in my spot and find my eyes moving to look up at him. His eyes are light and hold the deepest sincerity behind them, a smile gliding across his lips as I look up at him and he notices he's caught my attention. My lips move on their own at the sight of him and I lean forward, his hands moving towards my hips and leaning me into him. My chest lays against his and I shut my eyes as he holds me, his warmth bringing a feeling of pure comfort completely over me. " You don't have to be scared with me." he whispers softly into my hair, his fingers on one of his hands running through my hair and brushing over it lightly as his other hand rubs against my back in a circular motion, comforting me.  I nod my head and a light chuckle, almost a giggle, leaves his lip. It's a happy giggle. Nothing funny being said. Only a happy moment being shared.