Fluorescents

72

"oh no
         oh no
                     oh no"

The song playing in the background of the car commercial plays from the tv and I revert my attention to the familiar tune and voice. I hum along to the song and drift away my mind clouded yet empty as I sit inches away from Alex. My body vibrates and I begin to feel my cheeks ache as my fingertips and sides grow numb. His bare body is only inches away from me, right under the blanket. His pale legs and tanned chest glisten under the morning sunlight. My mind tries to capture something to focus on but everything loses focus around me, a ringing noise filling my ears and an ache feeling deep at the sides of my forehead. My breathing becomes manual and I begin to feel my lungs feel heavy and my palms feel sweaty.  The ringing grows louder, my teeth instinctually digging into the side of my cheek as my fingernails do the same to my palm. I've been so busy between the shows and wallowing in my own self misery i haven't had the time to focus on any form of self care, the bags under my eyes, the acne on my chin and the grown out fingernails a clear sign.

" Jocelyn-" his voice finally breaks through and I'm shaken back to reality. " Are you alright sweetheart?" he asks, laughing lightly before speaking again "you've gone totally barmy on me sweetheart." he giggles? My eyes knit in confusion and he giggles AGAIN, " bonkers love, out of it" I nod my head and look down at my bare thighs. "Hey" he speaks, placing his fingers underneath my chin and pulling me up to look at him. The glint and softness in his eyes hasn't faded just yet and it's practically the sole cause of the way my heart has been trembling against my chest. I'm waiting. Waiting for him to do a complete 180 on me and treat me like absolute garbage like he's done so every other time he's treated me like a decent human being. That's how he is. That's just the type of person he is, a manipulator. A sadist. And of course that makes me a masochist. Because I stay around and let him do it. I let him fill me with all those sweet words and sweet touches he probably treats every other girl with and then when he drops the bomb and reminds me im nothing to him but a play thing I sit back and let him. Then when he's done having his fun with me, i sit back again. I wait and wait and wait, for him to fill me with his sweet words and touches once again.

Yet even though I may not want to, I can't help but feel that this time is different. The way his hands, fingers and tongue have touched my skin the night before and they way they've touched me this morning have lit my skin in liquid flames. Im completely melting under him. Not in any of the ways I have before. All those other nights have been different.

" I'm fine." i manage to muster out, his concerned gaze not fading from behind his eyes. " Really, it's ok." he nods his head and grabs at my wrist, his fingertips grazing up to my palms and his fingers latching onto and intertwining with mine. I watch him from under me as he pulls our hands up to himself and lays a soft and gentle kiss on the back of my palm. My heart and stomach instantly flutter and I try my best to control the euphoria as it overwhelms me but I miserably fail like always. That's the one thing I always seem to fail at it when it comes to Alex. Controlling my feelings and numbing every possible good feeling in the past was so simple, ever since uncle slick. Yet Alex Turner has made it so hard. My mind and body turn into complete mush when his words fill the air and his body radiates against mine. I'm completely out of control. A total disarray of thoughts and feelings flow in the air when i'm around him, they run through my veins and fill my stomach with butterflies and my legs with weights that keep me in my spot. I have no control and no choice but to become just what he wants me to be and where he wants me to be. Which as of right now just happens to be here, ontop of him.

" What did you want to do today love" he asks, his fingertips still wrapped around mine as he moves them around and gazes at them. He seems so intrigued by it, as if he's never held hands with anyone before.It's odd i'll admit, but I manage to understand. I've held hands with men before, but nothing that ever felt like this. " We could always run and get breakfast love" he says, my eyes reverting away from our intertwined hands and gazing at the now lit up smile covering his features. I feel an upset feeling in my stomach and I desperately hope it doesn't growl. I'm starving, but I don't want him to know that. He can't.

" Alex-" I say, finally letting go off the breath I didn't realize I was holding in. His smile begins to lower and my heart begins to ache in my chest from watching it fade. My heart is vulnerable and completely under his spell, but my mind still manages to know better. " We shouldn't." I chuckle lightly, expecting him to understand and almost laugh back and tell me how i'm right and how i caught him.

" Why?" he instantly asks, his tone almost harsh but not in an angry way, but with an undertone that sounds almost hurt. " I could rent it out- we won't have to worry about any fa-" he starts but i stop him before he can continue rambling on.

" You know that's not why i'm saying it." I chuckle again, not being able to help it and being defensive and almost cold. " This isn't what we think it is." I blurt, speaking without much thought. My heart is begging me to stop, telling me to shut up and kiss him and tell him how I want to spend the whole morning, afternoon and night with him but I cant. My nightmare from the night before keeps replaying in my head, and images from the night, every word he ever spoke to me and every heartache i've ever felt in the past drag me mercilessly from under his spell.

I pull my hands away from his, failing to recognize that they were still intertwined this whole time as we argued. He moves forward and up and he reaches out for me, his fingers digging desperately into my hips and attempting to keep me in my place.

" Why?" He asks again, my eyes rolling at this point. " What is this then?" he asks, his voice turning more and more harsh. My heart aches at the change of tone and a deep feeling sinks into my stomach but i hold back my tears. He's right to be angry with me. He hasn't done anything today that should make me doubt him. He's sweet and vulnerable and he's doing everything right, but i can't hold back my doubts and my fear. " I know-" his voice softens and breaks in an instant and my eyes look up to his now soft and almost gleaming eyes. " I know I haven't been the easiest man to deal with love and I haven't been consistent but this is different- i promise you- this is different- I don't want to hurt you- I don't know what I was doing before or why i was doing it but i just know that I want you- that i crave you- in any way possible- in anyway you can give yourself to me- I don't want to be away from you- I cant explain it but i want to show you, please just let me show you." he rushes his words, my mouth opening but absolutely nothing coming out. My heart aches at his words. " Please." he pleads.

A/N: This chapter is written differently and it's really really fucking short im sorry i just wanted to get something out because i know ive been slacking. i have NO time to write. but here it is. I wrote this during my zoom class lol. enjoy loves <3

also that last part was cringey and gross lol I just wanted to make it realistic cause lowkey that's like exactly what my first bf from like my freshman year of high school told me after he cheated on me🥰