Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Five

Chapter 2 Got Your Back

Church: What the hell is that tapping noise? Sounds like Morris code.

Said tapping was still coming from the pelican, which Grif, Simmons, and Church were near.

Simmons: Morse.

Church: Sheila, if he corrects me again, please make him blow up.

Sheila: Ah haha, sounds like fuun.

Church: Well, what does it say?

Grif: It says tap, tap, tap. We don't know!

Simmons: We were trying to translate it when you showed up and interrupted us!

Church: No, when I interrupted you, you were standing around doing nothing. Just like the last fifty times I interrupted you guys.

The tapping then got slightly louder.

Church: Oh wait wait wait, listen listen listen! It says, "Red suck balls." Hey look, my new ship can talk and it knows things. That's a good ship.

Simmons: It's not your ship, it our ship. We called it and it came.

Church: I donno, I don't see any marking on it.

Simmons: It landed on Donut!

Sheila: That was fantastic.

Church: How in the heck would that mean- oh wait the pink guy? Oh I actually liked him!

Grif: Seriously, what's with all these feelings for Donut?

Simmons: You can't have the ship!

Church: I'm not asking for it. It's already mine. Right Sheila?

Sheila: Actually, I kind of like it. I think it is mine.

Church: H-Hey, are you okay?

Simmons: *whispers* I think there's something wrong with the tank.

Grif: Yeah, I noticed.

Simmons: I've got an idea.

Grif: Hey, hold on a second. Before you get too deep into this, let me remind you that we don't exactly have a good track record when it comes to our plans and that tank.

Simmons: C'mon Grif, I think the tank's malfunctioning.

Grif: Well only one part of it has to function for me to get turned into a cloud of orange mist.

Meanwhile,

Church: Okay, just be cool.

Sheila: I am cool, you be cool.

Sarge then returned.

Sarge: Bad news fellas, I couldn't find that levitation ray but I did find the remote control to- Hey! What's going on out here? Whaddaya think you're doing you lousy Blue?!

Church: I'm just trying to figure out what the deal is with this spaceship.

Sarge: Dibs!

Grif/Simmons: Too late.

Sarge: Dangnabbit! Why do I ever leave you two to guard anything? Everybody know the international dibs protocol and the no take backs accord!

Church: See guys, this is our ship. And by our I mean mine, and my. . . Eighty ton friend.

The tank was backing up and driving away.

Sheila: Bye everyone.

Church: Um. . . .

The Reds raised their guns.

Church: I'm gonna be right back.

And he ran off.

Sarge: Hey Blue! You know that ship you just called Dibs on? Well I got next! Hah! Now the ship is mine again!

Simmons: Excellent strategy sir!

Grif: Jesus, remember when we used to solve problems with violence?

Simmons: Between us or with the Blues?

Grif: Both.

Simmons: Well, between us was stopped when Ruby showed up and with the Blues was stopped when Ruby became friends with them.

Sarge: Only Ruby would find a way to befriend the enemy.

Grif: That does sound like her.

Simmons: Wonder when she's getting back?

Grif: We should probably make sure Donut's alive before then.

Sarge: Double time, men!

*With the Blues*

Church entered the base to see a still collapsed Caboose.

Church: Caboose! Where's Doc?

Caboose: Doc left. Took the baby for a walk. It's growing up so fast. Seems like just yesterday he was born.

Church: Well actually that's because he was born today. Like, an hour ago.

Caboose: We need to cherish these times. I wish I knew how to scrapbook!

Church: Where's Tucker?

Caboose: Still in a coma.

Church: Great! Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz, and now Doc is baby sitting. Caboose, if we survive the next five minutes, I'll be fuckin' amazed.

He walked out of the base.

Caboose: I'm fine by the way! Don't worry about me. . . I'm so cold.

*With the Reds*

Sarge: Quit your yammerin'. Let's see if we can get this thing movin'. I was thinking about our discussion earlier and I-

Simmons: And you've decided to use one of my ideas?

Sarge: Course not! I've got a new, more realistic plan for lifting the ship. If Donut is underneath, all we need to do is enrage him to the point where he can lift the ship and our work is done. Now quick, help me think. What would make Donut furious?

Grif: I donno, have you tried sharing your plan with him? That'd probably do it.

Sarge: Hey Donut! I was back at the base reading some of your fashion mags! They said that pink is no longer the new black! Turns out black is the new black and pink is the old black, which is now white and it's after Labor Day! You know what that means!

Grif: Oh dear god.

Sarge: Also, we needed to do minor rust repairs on the warthogs drive train! The bad news is that the only lubricants I could find were your imported hand creams! The good news is, the jeep smells like lilacs! Rusty, metal lilac.

Grif: This has got to be-

Sarge: Yeah, this doesn't seem to be working. Alright, time for plan B.

Simmons: Break into the ship and see if we can raise i-

Sarge: No! Plan B is to try and induce superpowers in Grif! Simmons, get my jar of radioactive spiders out of the Warthog! C'mere Grif, I need to borrow your neck.

The movement of metal echoed!

Grif: Did you just here that?

Sarge: Mayor of Burbank! Plan A is working! Quick Grif, get me a list of the latest celebrity breakups! Simmons, help me out!

Simmons: Hey Donut, I heard they cancelled day time television!

Sarge: Hey Donut! Command called, they rejected your new definition for fire in the hole! They're gonna stick with the old one.

Simmons: Oh Donut! I heard that the Winter Olympics is going to focus even more on snowboarding next time!

Grif: I can't take this. I'm gonna go watch some football.

Sarge: Grif's been using your paisley thong as a slingshot!