Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Five

Chapter 9 Brass Tracks

Church: Well uh, welcome to Blue team. I guess we should give you uhh, some kind of orientation or something like that.

Church and the new recruit were still outside their base.

Church: So this is the uh. . . This is the base here. This is the outside of the base. Inside's on the inside. Go through the door right there, to get to the inside. Ummm, there's a ramp over here. There's another one on the other side. It's kinda smaller, does the same thing though. Uh, it's got a basement. There's the middle part and there's the top part. Got some. . . You know, blue flags here, on the outside. Those come in handy when you're. . . You know, trying to identify the color of the base. It's blue. Anyways, that uh, pretty much covers the base, so. . . Anyways, yeah that's it.

Kaikaina: Cool.

Church: I'm Church, I'm the leader. Everyone looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule on the Blue team for rookies is, don't kill the leader. That's me.

Kaikaina: Thats it?

Church: That's it.

Kaikaina: Sounds easy.

Church: Yeah, well, we're still waiting for someone to follow that rule. So anyways uh, tell me about yourself. What's your training?

Kaikaina: Training?

Church: Yeah, what have you been told so far?

Kaikaina: Oh right! That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. Did I pass?

Church: No, I mean what kind of military training do you have? Weapons?

Kaikaina: Eh, sounds violent.

Church: Operations?

Kaikaina: I don't even know how that works.

Church: Communications?

Kaikaina: Say what?

Church: *sighs* Intelligence?

Kaikaina: Uhhh. . . Uhuh.

Church: *facepalms* Great.

Kaikaina: Yeah, sorry. Doesn't sound like I have any of the skills you need. Unless you want to see my ping-pong ball trick!

Church: Yeah. . . Wait what?

*With Grif and Simmons*

Grif: Slow down!

The two were sprinting towards their base!

Simmons: There's no time! Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge. And finally, I dug deep enough, and I found another hole.

Grif: You dug a hole, and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?

Simmons: Nonono, I mean a hole at the bottom. It opened into some kind of big cavern.

Grif: A cavern? A cavern like a cave? A cave with bats?

The two stopped moving.

Simmons: I don't know. Why, are you afraid of bats or something?

Grif: Afraid of bats? No, why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask for no reason.

Simmons: I didn't see any bats, okay?!

Grif: Did you hear any bats?

Simmons: No.

Grif: Did you smell any bats?

Simmons: I don't know what bats smell like!

Grif: Then let's hope you never find out.

He looked up the sky hesitantly.

Grif: Is it getting dark? We should get inside.

Simmons: It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.

*With the Blues*

The Blues were outside, now with the baby as well.

Church: And this is Tucker.

Tucker: Sup?

Kaikaina: Hey.

Church: Tucker's job is to do. . . What? I guess nothing.

Tucker: I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on Blue team rookie, be cool.

Kaikaina: I thought the only rule was don't kill the leader.

Tucker: Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool!

Kaikaina: Awesome, on the Red team, the number one rule was don't piss off the la-

Baby Alien: Laargh aargh.

Kaikaina: Oh cool! You have a dog!

Tucker: Uhhh, that's not my dog, that's my kid.

Kaikaina: Oh cool! You have a kid that looks like a dog?

Church: Nice save.

They then spotted Caboose heading towards them.

Church: Oh hey. You know what, I think I have the perfect tour guide for you! Hey Caboose! Come here!

Kaikaina: I thought about havin' a kid once.

Tucker: Oh really? It's a lot of work.

Kaikaina: Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl whose had seven abortions?

Tucker: Heh, yeahah. . . Wait what?!

Church: Alright! This is Caboose, he can tell you everything you could possibly need to know about Blue base.

Caboose: *whispers* Is she a mean girl like Tex or a regular girl like Ruby?

Church: Caboose, what did I tell you?

Caboose: That there are no regular girls.

Church: Exactly. Alright, so just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, and don't bother me or Tucker.

Caboose: What do I tell her?

Kaikaina: Well, I already know the rule.

Caboose: I hate that stupid rule!

Tucker: Go show her Doc and Sheila.

Caboose turned around and pointed at where they resided.

Caboose: The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.

Church: You know, I was really hoping that would take longer. . . and further away.

Kaikaina: Who're the black and light purple ones?

Church: The black one?

Tucker: Light purple?

Kaikaina: Yeah, the ones in the black and light purple armor! The ones standing RIGHT behind you guys!

Church and Tucker looked at one another. . . .

Church/Tucker: Aw shit.