Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Five

Chapter 6 In Memoriam

Simmons: And now, Grif has asked to say a few things about our beloved Sarge.

The Red Team's alive CO's funeral was still happening.

Grif: Hey, everybody, it's great to be here. Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge? I mean, besides 'good riddance'. Heyooo! Hahaha!

Kaikaina: Yeah!

Grif: But seriously, Sarge lived a great life, and now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too! Zing! Hahahaha. . . you know what I'm talking about.

Sarge: Come on, is this a remembrance or a roast?

Grif: Quiet in the front row. And I'm not asking, and he's not telling, but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about 'glazed donut holes', if you know what I mean. Hiyooo!

Simmons: TOO SOON!

Grif: Hey now. . .

Sarge: This is the worst funeral I've ever had. You losers better step up the crying, pronto!

Simmons: Oh, don't worry sir. I've written a stirring speech that is sure to tug at everyone's heart strings.

Sarge: Good to hear it, now get with the eulogizing!

Simmons: On it sir.

Grif: And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to field-strip Simmons?

Simmons: Okay, that's enough! I said five minutes, Grif.

Grif: Bye everybody. I'll be appearing at the laugh cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free!

Kaikaina: Woohoo!

Grif: Not you.

Kaikaina: Awww.

Simmons: Okay, whatever, get off.

Grif finally moved while Simmons took his place.

Simmons: Hello, everyone. I'm here to say a few words about our friend, Sarge.

Grif: Boo, you suck!

Simmons: Grif, get off the stage!

There was no stage, only grass.

Grif: Uh, sorry.

Simmons: Okay, like I was saying. I'm here to say a few words about Sarge.

Grif: Boo! You SUCK!

Simmons: As you all know, Sarge was a magnificent leader and he was a great inspiration to all his troops.

Sarge: *sobs* Simmons is right, this is so emotional, this is so emotional! Where's my hanky?

Simmons: He was a man of honor, discipline, and character.

Sarge: It's like he's saying what we're all thinking. . . .

Grif: If he was saying what I'm thinking, he'd be yawning. . .

Simmons: But perhaps his greatest accomplishment as a military man-

Sarge: Tell it!

Simmons: -And a friend-

Sarge: Preach all! Preach all!

Simmons: -was developing my considerable skills as a soldier and a leader.

Sarge: What?

Simmons: As you all know, Sarge's untimely demise leaves a gap in our command struct-

Grif: You do realize that the second Ruby gets back, things are going back to normal, right?

Simmons: Let me have my moment, jackass!

Grif: Sarge, he's literally campaigning for your job at your funeral.

Simmons: *clears throat* The Red army is faced with a difficult choice, the choice of who will lead us to glorious victory! Let's hope they choose a great candidate.

Grif: I vote Ruby.

Simmons: She's not even here!

Grif: And she's doing a better job as a leader already.

Simmons: Fuck off!

Kaikaina: Is this the kind of thing you guys do all day?

Grif: Pretty much. Just run with it, it's the only thing that keeps you from going insane from boredom.

Kaikaina: Yeah, or we could raid the medical supplies for morphine.

Grif: Yeah. . . Wait what?

Simmons: You know what, I'm done. Sister, you're up.

Kaikaina: Oh, Awesome!

The two traded spots.

Grif: Oo, oo, oo, can I go again?! I just thought of a swear word that rhymes with Kentucky!

Sarge looked at Simmons.

Sarge: Couldn't even wait for me to be buried, could you?

Simmons: Your death was in the past, Sarge, and we need to look to the future, a future filled with Simmons.

Kaikaina: Hey, everybody, um. . . I'm new here and I didn't know Sergeant very well, but. . . he was really old, and that's gross.

Grif: Haha, and I wrote that line.

Simmons: Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once.

Kaikaina: Anyways, when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead too. And if they're not, they're definitely old and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So anyway, whatever. Peace out.

Sarge: This is a miserable excuse for a ceremony. Where's the flag holding? Where the twenty-one gun salute?!

Simmons: Sir, the flag is an important part of our inventory. We can't just go around having impromptu foldings because we feel like it.

Grif: And I was in charge of the twenty-one gun salute. Unfortunately, we don't have twenty-one guns. So you'll have to settle for what I call a the "double bun" salute. Starts in just a few moments.

Sarge: Ugh, I'll just get in my grave now.

Simmons: Yeah, maybe that's for the best sir.

The sergeant stood before the grave and frowned.

Sarge: Oh, come on. Who dug this grave? It's not nearly regulation!

He jumped into it as Grif and Simmons lifted shovels.

Grif: Ugh, Simmons, let's cover his head first.

Sarge: Come on! You call that burying? I've had Girl Scouts bury me better! Put your backs into it!

Simmons: This might be a bad time to ask, but have you finished that letter of recommendation that I asked for?

Sarge: Step to it men, bury faster! I'm not getting any deader! Come on, double time you maggots. Oh hey look, maggots. Maybe these guys know what they're doing.

Grif: This is the chattiest corpse I've ever seen.

Sarge: Work that shovel like a hoe! Work that how like a shovel!