Church: Hey Doc, we have a problem man. I need to call command.
He was a little ways from the blue base where Doc was.
Church: Hello? Earth to Doc. I mean, this place to Doc.
Doc; Don't you wanna say hello to our new friend?
Church: What?
Right beside Doc's foot, was the baby alien. It was aqua in color and was barely larger than the medic's foot.
Baby Alien: Honk?
Church: I don't. . . I ca- I can't, I don't. . . This is. . .
Doc: Take your time. This is a big moment!
Church: I can't deal with this right now.
Baby Alien: Blaaarh!
Church: Shut up, you're disgusting. Doc, what is Vic's number.
Doc: What for?
Church: For reinforcements! Wait, unless you've had like, specialized combat training in the last ten minutes.
Doc: Uhh, nope.
Church: Then yeah, reinforcements.
Doc: Well, I did just change a dirty diaper.
Church: That doesn't count.
Doc: I don't know, it was a real doozy! Number two. . .
Church: DOC, focus! Vic's number, what is it?!
Doc: Come on Church, everybody remembers Vic's number! Didn't he ever teach you the song?
Church: Oh right, Vic's jingle.
Doc: If you want to talk don't email, and don't you click-cli-cli-click. Just call me at 5-5-5, V-I-C-K!
Church: You know, probably would have been more memorable if it rhymed. Or if his name actually ended in a K.
Doc: Aw, music is a great way to learn things. That's how I studied for MCAT!
Church: You passed the MCAT?
Doc: *laughs* Not even close, but you should really here my rendition of the Kelly Clarkson song "Miss Independence." It teaches you all about the lymphatic system. Domp-t Dompt, lymphatic system!
Church: Hey shut up, I'm on the phone.
Baby Alien: Honk.
Church: And do me a favor, kill that fucking thing would you?
Baby Alien: Blarg!
The Blue Leader then contacted Vic.
Vic: Hey duuude.
Church: Vic! Hey, it's Church!
Vic: This is Vic, at 5-5-5 V-I-C-K! I'm not in the casita right now so leave your load down at the ding dong! Hasta!
Church: Hey Vic, this is Church I need to-
Voicemail: You have reached the voicemail system.
Church: Okay okay, come on.
Voicemail: To leave a message, just wait for the town.
Church: I know how to leave a goddamn message.
Voicemail: When you are finished recording, just hang up or press 'pound' for more options.
Church: Really, hang up? No shit! I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his voicemail.
Voicemail: For delivery options, press five.
Church: JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN BEEP!!!!!!
Voicemail: To leave a callback number, press eight. To page this person, press six.
Church: COME ON!
Voicemail: To repeat this message, press nine.
Church: I will FUCKING stab you computer phone lady!
*With the Reds*
Grif: That tapping is gonna drive me insane. We either need to get Donut out of there, or we need to kill 'em.
They were still near the ship and the tapping was getting louder than ever.
Simmons: Donut! Can you please stop tapping? We heard you. You're crushed and you're in mortal danger. WE GET IT!
Grif: I can feel the tapping in my brain!
Sarge: Well I have to admit, I'm stumped! I have no idea how to get him out!
Grif: Jesus! How long will it take him to starve to death?! When was the last time he ate? Wait, Sarge, didn't you once tell me you built self-destruct mechanisms into our armor? Can't you just use Donut's?
Sarge: No, sadly it was just you, Grif. But Ruby forced me to destroy the detonator and to take out the bomb. It was a sad day!
The tapping once again increased its volume.
Grif: Oh my god, is it getting louder? I bet the Blues don't have to put up with anything this annoying.
*With Church*
Voicemail: To mark the message as urgent, press eleven.
Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!!!!
Doc: Ooh, language!
*With the Reds*
Sarge: Men, it pains me as your leader to say this, but I think we need to admit defeat. Years of experience on the battlefield and I finally met my match! I never thought I'd be beaten by a ship. A ship full of enemies, maybe! But never just a ship itself! Bravo ship, brav-o.
Simmons: Don't give up sir, I'm sure we can find a way to-
Sarge: Aww Simmons, it's hopeless. Let's start assigning duties for a retreat.
The ramp to enter the pelican slowly opened. . . .
Simmons: Uhhh, sir-
Sarge: Simmons you can pack up all the toiletries for remaining MREs, but make sure not to mix them up, or we'll never be able to tell them apart again!
Grif: Sir, you really should turn around.
Sarge: Sure, and give the ship a chance to rub it in! No dice!
Simmons: Sir, the door is open. That means we won! Another victory for the glorious Red army!
Sarge: What? I mean of course it is! Looks like my plan worked! Chalk up another one in the win column for Sarge! Hey, who's that guy? Let's shoot him!
Someone was inside the Pelican. . . . A girl with bright yellow armor slowly walked out. . . .
Grif: Oh, you've gotta be shitting me.
Kaikaina Grif stood before them. . . .
YOU ARE READING
Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Five
FanfictionRed Vs Blue, but with a twist! Ruby and Tex chased down Wyoming, but upon returning to Blood Gulch, they realized they had a lot to catch up on. . . Tucker has to deal with being a father, Grif has to deal with the arrival of his sister, The Reds ha...
