Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Five

Chapter 11 Spelunked

Sarge: Yow, what in the?

The Red leader awoke within the large cavern beneath Blood Gulch.

Sarge: Stupid Grif and Simmons. Can't even build a regulation grave. What have we run all those drills for?

He looked around at the dark cave.

Sarge: So this is the afterlife, huh? Heh, not too impressive if you asked me. This is place is a wreck. Who's in charge here anyway? Need to get me a couple of marine Angels, get this place spic and span in no time. You know, now that I think about, I don't seem to remember much about underground caves in the bible. Not even that new Bible they rewrote in 2040, with that weird chase scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller. That guy was a nut. Wait a minute! Afterlife? Underground cave?! What if this isn't heaven?! What if it's- No! It couldn't be. Could it?!

Unbeknownst to him, a pink soldier appeared behind him.

Donut: Oh hey, Sarge. What are you doing down here?

Sarge: It is! Oh, it is!

*With the Blues and Ruby*

Caboose, Tucker, Church, and Ruby watched as Tex talked to Kaikaina in private.

Church: Oh man, this is not gonna work out well for us.

Tucker: Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team!

Ruby: How old are you Tucker?

Tucker: Twenty-two.

(A/N- Are the ages of the Reds and Blues ever confirmed or stated?)

Ruby: Wow, you've been single for twenty-two years. No wonder you're so desperate.

Tucker: Fuck off!

The magenta girl simply smirked.

Church: It wouldn't even happen if you wanted it to happen Tucker.

Tucker: Why?

Church: Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment.

Ruby: Tex and I can share just fine.

Church: I meant when girls first meet.

Ruby: Ohhh. . . Would when she first showed up count as when we first met or when I was still Hawaii?

Church: Every time girls live together, within six months, they both hate each other and somebody gets stuck with a $1200 phone bill, and that's a fact.

Ruby: It's a good thing none of us have phones, only these worthless radios.

Tucker: Ah, let them fight. So long as we get to watch them make up, who cares? We can even record it and send copies to Reds.

Ruby: I think you have a misconception on how girls make up after a fight. And before you ask, I'm not answering.

Tucker: *sighs*

Ruby: But that does remind me, how's my team doing?

Tucker and Church shared a look before turning back to Ruby.

Church/Tucker: They're fine.

Ruby: Oh good, that saves me the trouble of checking on them.

Church: Wait, are you staying here? We're kind of back to our Red Vs Blue battles.

Ruby: Well, not anymore. Wyoming got away, so I have to stay by Tucker until that worthless excuse for a human being gets here so I can rip out his heart with my sword.

Her innocent tone made the Blues shiver and back up.

Caboose: Ruby is scary and nice. . . Scice? Nary?

*With Sarge and Donut*

Sarge: NOOOOOOOOOO! Moan!

Donut: It's been crazy down here, Sarge.

Sarge: Nooo!

Donut: You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found.

Sarge: Sorrowful sounds! Pleas for forgiveness!

Donut: Sarge, keep it down.

Sarge: I have sinned!

Donut: We don't want them to hear you.

Sarge: Donut, don't interrupt my repentful moaning. If I want god to forgive me, I want to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.

Donut: This isn't hell, Sarge. And you're not dead.

Sarge: Repent! Repent!

Donut: Come on Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and found some really crazy stuff, look.

The looked at a structure with Blue flag hanging off the front wall along with a large alien thing in front of the building.

Sarge: Why, that for looks like a Blue base. And just when I thought hell couldn't get any worse.

Donut: Yeah, but look at that!

He point to the alien thing.

Sarge: What in the hell is that thing?

Donut: I don't know, but it sure looks like a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs.

Sarge: Donut, why didn't you report this?

Donut: I couldn't, my radio broke when I fell.

A radio sound then went off.

Simmons: Come in Sarge, are you there?

Sarge: Hello! Is that you Simmons?

Donut: No, I'm DO-NUT. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?

Sarge: Shut up Donut!

Donut: Uh, okay?

Simmons: Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!

Sarge: I'm fine, what's your location?

Donut: I'm standing right her. Next to you.

Sarge: Shut up!

Simmons: We're looking for you right now, but this place is huge. Grif is with me and we're on top of some kind of peninsular outcropping.

Sarge: Uhh, you're on top of Grif's what?

Donut: Grif isn't anywhere around here.

Sarge: Donut! I told you to be quiet!

Donut: Well, stop asking me stuff then!

Simmons: No, we're on a peninsular ledge, trying to find you.

Sarge: Roger that, I got Donut. You sit tight and we'll find you.

Simmons: Roger that, Simmons out.

On the maroon soldier's end. . .

Grif: Dude, what was all that about your penis ruler?

And back with Sarge,

Sarge: I just talked with Simmons on the radio.

Donut: Ooooohoho, the radio.

Sarge: I told them to hold still and we'll come for them.

Donut: Sarge, I don't think you realize just how big this place is. There's no landmarks or anything. Just one rock after another that all looks the same. Finding them would be like finding a needle in a haystack.

Sarge: They said they were standing on some kind of. . . penis- no-

Donut: Oh! I know where that is. Let's go.