Bad Habits

13

Why? That is the main question in so many others’ lives. Why? The shit thing about it is that 99.9% of the world never knows the answer. I can now include myself in that group. I have no earthly idea what the answer could be to the big “why” in my life now. It’s more than upsetting it’s bothersome.

I am uncomfortable inside of my own skin. I would claw myself out of my own body if I could. I can’t handle not having control over my mind and emotions. I am not myself. It’s driving me absolutely insane. Why did he do it? Why did he kiss me?

“Dr. Tomlinson?”

I look up from the clear page on my notebook to see Lily’s sweet face. A look of confusion is placed upon her eyes as she waits for an answer. I shake my head lightly and smile.

“I’m sorry Lily, I’m a bit off today apparently.” I sigh.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks suddenly.

Her question catches me off guard. I don’t think anyone has ever genuinely asked me that. I am always the one asking that question.

“I should be asking you that.”

She smiles, “You’re human too.”

The timer on my desk sounds off disrupting our conversation. I close my notebook standing to see her out. I know she means well and I love that but I’m her doctor. I tell myself that ignoring the real issue. The truth is I am uncomfortable talking about such personal things. Always have been.

“Until next time Lily. I promise I’ll be more aware.” I pat her shoulder softly.

She nods her head turning her back to me walking toward the door. She opens it but before she steps out she turns her body toward me slightly with a small smile placed on her lips.

“Don’t let him spin the wheels inside of your head too much Dr. Tomlinson.”

How does she know? I choose to ignore the fact considering my mind is beyond preoccupied already. I walk over to Annie’s desk to see what the rest of my schedule looks like for the day. She is on the phone with reddened cheeks, a smile as wide as the amazon. She quickly hangs up when she sees me.

“Dr. Tomlinson, sorry.” She rushes.

“Annie, I’ve told you before please call me Mia and it's fine really. A boy?” I ask.

She nods shyly, “I met him last week..he’s..great.”

“Well good, he’s lucky.” I smile. “What does my sche..”

A loud roar breaks my sentence. We both turn toward the big office window that looks out onto the street. As soon as I see the dark color of the car I know who it is already. My nerves jolt up instantly creating my body temperature to rise. It’s been three days since I've seen him last.

His blonde hair sticks up wildly; a pair of black sunglasses covers his blue eyes. He wears an unbuttoned flannel with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows showing the ink covering his arms and jeans that show his thighs in a perfect way. He stops just outside of the office door inhaling a few more takes from the cigarette resting gently between his soft pink lips. I turn to face Annie quickly. She is still looking at me to finish what I was previously saying.

“Um.. I’ll.. be in my office.” I rush out before making my way behind my office door letting my back shut it behind me.

I take deep breaths trying to calm my outrageous heartbeat. “What are you doing here?” I whisper to myself.

“Hi, may I help you?” I hear Annie ask.

“Ello Annie is it? Nah, she’s expectin meh..”