All Of You

chapter thirty six || father, son

M I G U E L

CHRISTMAS BREAK HAS BEEN A NIGHTMARE. I'm fucking basket case. The large hole in the middle of my chest only seems to get bigger. V, by now should've got my note but she never texted or even called.

I'm well aware that some writing that note was no guarantee of her taking me back, though I still had some hope. Either way I'm just glad that I was finally able to tell her my truth and open up to her. Even as I just write it down, it was still hard. But part of healing is letting go of the past which is what I'm determined to do.

Life was good when I went to Calvary. Everything about it was a breath of fresh air. My friends, the school, the people. Hell, even my house. I wasn't worried about running into no one that I didn't want to see. Nicole was still in high school and even then I'm sure she'd change her mind about colleges up here by me.

As an athlete girls are just an automatic perk. But college girls—that's a whole different ball game. It's all sex and booze and parties. There was no fucking complaints from my part. I did what I wanted, with who I wanted and owed no one a single explanation.

Then sophomore year arrives and I'm ready for a new set of adventures. Football practice for us starts earlier than when school does so, I'd already had a few good hook up's. But life wasn't on the same page as me. I woke up one morning to my phone buzzing because a close friend of mine needed to get laid. She was the perfect hook up only to meet the love of my life later on that night.

After I'd met Violet, I couldn't stop thinking of her. I knew she was different and she wasn't about to be all wide open and available for me so I lied to myself and said the date was only to woo her. Obviously, I wanted to sleep with her but most of it was all bullshit.

Every hook up I'd have after meeting her, would consist of me just thinking it was her under me. I would do my best to look for her on campus and just about anything to try and get closer to her. Then I get her, the perfect girl, and I ruin shit with her.

How did I ever go on without knowing her. The way she laughs, the way she eats or how every single thing she buys—even for me—has to be black. How she can't sleep with socks on. Or how she really cries with movies and feels their pain. How her long hair always smells amazingly good and has to be the darkest shade of black.

I miss my girlfriend so much.

   "I can't afford to fuck my future up by accidentally getting you pregnant."

And I hate myself for breaking her beautiful heart. So many ways I could've said that and of course I chose the mean way. Not "Babe we can never be to careful. Our future can be compromised by a baby at our age." No. No. No. No. No! I said "FUCK UP MY FUTURE!" Like if her and this hypothetical baby could ever do such things.