AJR-Panic Attacks

Ryan- 16 (Joe)

RYANS POV

We're working on our fourth album, OK ORCHESTRA, and I finished a song I'm actually really proud of. I named it 'Joe' because of a friend I had in middle school. I had debated for days whether or not to send it to him, and honestly I'm still on the fence. I sent the demo to Jack when I first came up with the idea, and it took us a while before actually finishing it. Now it's done, Adam loves it, Dad loves it, and our manager, Steve loves it too.
I decided on a whim that I would sent it to Joe because ultimately, why not, and the chances of him listening to it are slim to none. I attached the song in an email, as that's like the only form of contact I have of his. As I wait for the attachment to load, I start having second thoughts.

What if this isn't good enough for him? I start thinking, and suddenly my brain wouldn't stop. All of my second thoughts make me not want to send it even more, so I decide not to.

It's just too risky. I decide. I go to delete the email, but right next to the 'delete' button, happens to be the 'send' button.

"Message to 'Joe' sent at 3:30pm"

No

No that can't have just happened...

Please no

I frantically go to my 'sent mail' folder, and sure enough, it's there.

No no no no nononononoooo! Now he's gonna think I'm stupid for writing this! What if he hates it?
My muscles start cramping up, particularly in my shoulders and hands, and my jaw starts clenching.

I can't do anything about this now. He's gonna read the message, listen to the horribly done song, and write back and I'm gonna hate it.

I slam my computer shut out of mostly anger, finally starting to realize how tight my chest is getting. I reach my hand to my chest to hopefully feel my heartbeat going at its normal pace, but instead, it's pounding. Pounding in my chest and echoing into my head. I feel so weird. Nothing feels real anymore. I sit down on the edge of my bed, placing my feet on the floor, leaning forward and locking my hands into my hair. My leg starts jittering up and down as my thoughts continue racing. My breathing is accelerating along with my heart rate and I hate it. I keep panting and gasping for air, starting to get scared that I'm not breathing well. All of my emotions build up and I start crying. I guess Jack could hear me from his room, so he pops his head in to see what's going on. Looking at me I could just feel his heart breaking. He walks in and sits beside me, asking,

"Ry what happened?" I can't even answer, I'm so panicked and confused and mad. I couldn't even make eye contact with Jack, it feels like I'm frozen in place. Jack starts subtly rubbing my back, a gesture I really appreciated. With his other hand, he rests it on my arm, as if asking me to move it. I'm basically giving myself a headache with how tightly my hands are in my hair, so I take my shaking hands and wrap them around Jack in a hug. I cry into his shoulder as he wraps his arms back around me, giving me a massive hug. My arms wrap around him so haphazardly, he probably didn't even feel where they were. He continues rubbing my back, easing my tenseness away.

"You're ok, everything's gonna be fine." He mumbles to calm me down. I love that Jack didn't need a reason that I was freaking out. He just came in when I needed him, and calmed me down. It took me a bit, but I finally stop crying and relax all of my muscles. I pull away from Jack, him keeping one hand rubbing my back slowly. I wipe the remaining tears off my face, heaving a big sigh as that was exhausting.

"You ok?" He asks me. I nod, waiting for him to ask me what happened.
"Wanna talk about it?" He offers.

"I uh..." I start. "I accidentally sent 'Joe' to Joe..."

"What do you mean accidentally?" Jack questions.

"I didn't mean to! I just... I thought I would send it and then I decided against it but it sent anyways!"

"Woah woah woah, hey, no one is getting mad at you for sending it, ok? Did you not want to send it?"
I shake my head. It seemed like saying no was worse than just shaking my head.
"Ok... well, there's nothing we can do about it. I know it sucks, Ry, but the chances of him seeing that message are so slim. And who knows, maybe he changed his email and that one's obsolete. I'm 99% sure he won't see it, ok? It's not worth getting that upset over."

"Ok.." I sigh. He's right, like always. I can't worry about something that I can't do anything about.

(A/N- Thank you to @microsoftthird for the inspiration for this story!!)