Until Next Time.... | KMJ Fanfiction |

Chapter 4

Go Haru's POV:
I opened my eyes saw the one person I wanted to meet and also get away from. I stood up and met him face to face.
He looked different from the last time I saw. Gone was his boyish looks, now there stood a very tall, bulky and still really handsome guy with a mullet.
"Been so long, Ruie or should I say Go Haru ssi" I was surprised that he knew my real name. Then I saw the Albus was very happily seated in his arms and then it striked me,
"Dr Kim Namjoon, Hoseok's friend ", he smiled at me showing his dimple which is like a weak point to me.
Just then snow started to fall and I felt a sudden chill.
"Hobi wouldn't shut his mouth about you and I was curious. I met Albus here before you and this little guy loved me. It's good to meet you again", he said geniunely and I felt heat raise up to my cheeks.
"Yeah, it's nice to meet you too Dr Namjoon", I bowed and I felt him wrap his scarf on me.
"I'm not cold, Namjoon ssi"
"Yeah, well I don't want you to catch something so I put it on. Call me Joon or Joonie if you will no need to be formal", he said and I nodded hesitantly.
We just stood there awkwardly and I broke it,
"I have to leave...it's getting late and my friend would be worried".
"Yeah me too, I'll meet you sometime", he waved and I waved back.
The way back I thought about that night and I shook my head.
I couldn't sleep the whole night and I hoped to not run into him again. I don't like people to see me in the worst state. The only people are Soo Hyun and finally him.
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Warning...read at your own accord*
I was dark room...I was running to check if there is light. As I was running I saw a door at the end, I opened it  and I was in a void. I heard a voice...I voice I hated and dreaded...
"You are worthless to me...why didn't you die instead of your sister. I wish she was alive instead of  this ugly creature. You have taken after of your stupid father. I am going to leave him and you anyway"
I shut my ears yet I still heard screams from my sister and my mom's venomous voice saying I should have died instead of her.
I was surrounded by mirrors and in them were my mother , my grandmother cursing at me .
I screamed hard and in front of me was my 10 year old self.
"We should have died...Ha Ru. Ha Ni should be alive. We are worthless...."
Worthless...... worthless
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I woke up with sweat all over my face and looking around my dark room. I went to restroom and washed my face as I cried.
This is still affecting me even after 17 years and a huge part of me believes her words.
I was never pretty, till high school I was very fat and ate a lot which made me feel very insecure.
I managed to loose weight by college by controlling my diet. Yet, it didn't feel enough.
My only support was Soo Hyun and my dad. But, my father also passed away when I reached college.
I had very low self esteem, ADHD and I didn't have the courage to take my life even I wanted many times.
I didn't want to worry Soo Hyun and my other people so I put a front.
To others I was this sunny person but inside I was rotting.
It is like my own personal hell and I know it was one of the reasons my boyfriend left me 6 years ago.
I used to hide in a corner of room that no one can see and cry my eyes out sometimes.
I came out of the bathroom and looked at the time. It was 2 in the morning.
I decided to take a stroll so I took my jacket and left without making any noise so I won't wake up Soo Hyun and Albus
It was dark outside and I had a taser just in case. I was walking along the side of the road just staring into the sky and the roads.
I reached the part and I found a secluded bench. I sat down and just stared at my lap.
I couldn't think of anything else but just my mind was in a void.
I just wanted to get away from world and people. I wanted to meet my father and I tried it a lot but me being the coward I couldn't.
When I was young,dad used to bring me to the ocean whenever he was sad. He never showed it infront of me but I just knew.
He used to say that ocean is big and beautiful. It will be very peaceful and it can take all emotions. He also said if I wanted to cry or sad just come to the ocean, you will feel calm.
My best memories were made in the ocean. Soo Hyun and I used to skip school and hang out here.  We used to talk about how cool it must inside the big blue ocean and promised we will go do deep sea diving.
We did it when we were in Australia for a research. It was absolutely breathtaking and I just wanted to leave the world and be one with the beautiful ocean.
As I thought of the memories, I cried. I just cried for god know how long.
The tears wouldn't stop and so were those hurtful words of people around.
Young Ha Ru thought being fat is a crime and I deserved every hate I received. Even if I am not far anymore I couldn't love myself.
I was never satisfied with myself and the thought of it made me cry out.
I clutched my shirt and suddenly I couldn't breathe. I was having a panic attack, which hadn't occurred in a long time.
I repeated to myself to calm down and it was hard...very hard.
My mind went back to those horrible memories and made it impossible to control my attack.
Idle mind is a devil's workshop is very true in my case. I tend to think only about my bad memories rather than pleasant thoughts.
It was getting harder and I clutched the railing of the bench when I felt someone say,
"Calm down...just breathe. Dont think about anything. You are having panic attack is it? Whatever is making it more...stop it and look at me", his voice was a little rough and I looked at him. I had tears in my eyes so I couldn't see properly.
"Okay, now just listen to my voice. Relax... breathe in and out", I did as he told and I felt myself calm out.
"Seems like you are alright for now. You should get help..soon.  Don't push it anymore", he said as he gave a card. I just stared at the card. He turned before leaving and said,
Hope you decide fast before you get more affected...trust me on this
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Hey Armies...I know this chapter is a little hard to process but I had to write..
I'm not gonna say all the chapters will be very sunny but it will get better. Trust me
Please
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