The Fence

Chapter 35: Music

Stand tall,

Don't you waver now,

Be strong,

You already know how,

Be reckless,

Put your feelings on the line,

But be careful,

You will be fine.

It's a short little song, but I'm lost in the notes as Donte absentmindedly sings it to me while reading one of my many charts. "That's pretty," I murmur, imagining the accompanying piano in my head. It relaxes me. Music.

"Yeah?" Donte stops singing to look up at me.

"Mhm," I breathe, moving onto the guitar in my background.

The only person I've let see me is Donte, too embarrassed by my panic to allow anyone else in and risk setting me off. Despite my brother's unconditional love for me, I can't bring myself to see the pity in his mirroring hazel eyes, wishing it was him in my position.

And Grey?

Grey wants the same thing. I know he would've taken the bullet for me if he'd seen it fast enough. He blames himself for what happened to me. Grey's megalith eyes had turned to marble when he saw me, talking to himself and asking the world if I would remember him. And in spite of this, the fear that had instilled itself in me when I first got here is back. But now it's back with a bite, asking, "How dare you leave me?" And then that fear laughs in my face, wondering how the very person that caused my fear cured it, and then it says, "No, that won't do." So now I'm back to the beginning, wanting to see him, but afraid of what might happen if I do.

And what I'm most afraid of, I know I should face. I'm going to need to ask Donte about my panic attack sooner or later, but I'm scared. What could it mean for my future? Do I even have a future anymore?

So instead, I ask him to sing me a song every time he sees me, as music is one of the only things that can keep me calm.

"Grey wrote it," Donte mumbles through a bit lip, concentrating on my chart again.

"Grey wrote that song?" I feel like I should be surprised, but I'm not.

Donte hums in reply, turning over my chart. "But-." He suddenly looks up, and it almost startles me. His eyes are wide behind his glasses, guilt seeping from the caramel orbs. "No, never mind. I wasn't supposed to say that."

I cock my head to the side. "Why not?"

"Grey doesn't like people knowing about his music," Donte murmurs, putting the chart down in his lap. "Forget I said anything."

"No!" I laugh, my stubbornness taking over. "It's pretty! Will you sing it again?"

"You know, Kirbena," Donte chuckles. "I'm not that great a singer."

"I think you are."

Donte shrugs. "Maybe Grey will sing it for you himself."

I feel my mood plummet like a meteor crashing into Earth. "No."

Donte lets out a sigh while running a hand through his hair. "Kirbena."

"Donte," I retort, grumpily crossing my arms over my chest.

"I really think you should let him see you."

"I don't want him to see me. I want him to stay away, just like I want Ky to stay away, just like I want to stop being pestered about it!"