You promised

chapter 30

The hospital walls gawking back at me , the pale walls surrounding me matches my mood, the gloomy mood, i watch the door that the man i call my husband walked out of like a sulking baby reprimanded , just like that one night the is a baby and the other the isn't, just when i thought i made peace with having a child it just disappeared.

"Hey"i answer wiping my tears as i answer the call, i can feel Gatsha seething anger on the other side i promised him and here i was disappointing him.

"You promised Liya ,you said you'll be here yet you not, i don't know how many times i was hopefully but you aren't here , ever since you got married, wait let me rephrase it, ever since you went to Johannesburg you abandon your family, now that you got what you want ,baba handling your negotiations you don't care about us" he says angrily i wipe the tears off my face furiously, as i threw myself in bed, i was being discharged yet the man i call my husband just walked out of me, he was angry for unknown reason like always and everything i do pissed him off.

"Am sorry" i say in a whisper before trying to clear my throat of the lump forming , i try wiping the tears off, how does one be required to act after losing a child, and the possibility of never ever being able to conceive again.

"Are you okay Liya" he sounds concerned now, i sniff at the murcus threatening to fall off my nose.

"Yeah am fine" i say trying to sound composed he stays silent clearly not believing me and the doctor decides to disturb me saying i need to sign the discharge forms.

"Liya i thought we've been through this and no more secrets between us , what's going on why discharge forms" he asks begging me to talk, i can't help the fat tears that rolled out of my eyes , down my cheeks ,the doctor is kind enough to give me space "Liya" he says hearing my muffled sobs.

"She is gone" i say yes i decided that it was a she "i lost her Gatsha just like that, one minute i was sleeping and the other the was...the was..." i struggle with the words out of my mouth. "The was blood everywhere Gatsha , i lost her" i say holding my mouth, i feel like screaming, i question God daily why am i being put through this.

"What you mean sisi" he says so gently, i can hear him walking away from the noise in the background.

"I had a miscarriage Gatsha apparently its hormonal imbalance , the is even a possibility that i can't conceive again without proper medication, why me Gatsha, why would God do this to me, why would he give me something only to take it away, am i being punished for my wrong deeds i did in life, didn't he trust me enough , i know i didn't want this child but i made peace with it, i made peace and i began feeling excitement that i would be a mother, wasn't my excitement showing enough, am i cursed because everything isn't going well for me, whatever i try doing turns to dust ,i feel like just giving up in life because clearly am not made to be happy " i say he keeps quite letting me rant out.

"God can never hate you Sisi, he can never give you a burden you can never handle" he says i scoff at his words.

"Then why would he give me this huge burden" i question like he has answers, lile he would turn to god and answer my question.

"Trust in him sisi, kneel down and pray he will protect you through tough times, i know sometimes he does things and we feel he is punishing us but our future is set, we don't know  what he is protecting us from, he may be protecting us from dangers of the future that we yet to face, you may not like challenges that we face but don't give up on him, the isn't appreciation without hardships , we facing the unknown Destiny that has hardships , it hurts now but one day you'll look back and appreciate what he did to teach us appreciation" he says before someone calls from him in the background he says his goodbyes promising to call me before the day ends, i sat staring at the door like it would change matters, i wish i had done things in a different way, i hoped i hadn't choose the easy way out, i wished i knew the life in Johannesburg can change one, they can mentally and physically drain one, i wished someone told me beforehand i left the comfort of my own home , my father warned me about Johannesburg, my mother too yet i did the opposite, i didn't keep my promise like i intended maybe i was cursed , how much one has so much bad luck and it seems normal, was i just spoilt brat who complains about everything while people out there have real life problems or was i justified for my concerns ,for my pain, the door yet again swang open walking in my husband followed by the doctor who gave me various pills and offered counseling but i turned it down, Shaka took my hand as he lead us to the car peaceful silence that i appreciated, he held onto my hand so tightly that refusing to let me go like i would run away, he drove through the joburg traffic with my hand in his before parking at Rocco Mama's.

"I thought we should get something to eat" he says seeing my confused look i nod, this is the very first time we've been out in public together, this is the first time he didn't let me handle anything but did things in his own, I've said the are many layers that I've yet to peel off him , he held my hand so tightly looking at my eyes , for the very first time in my life i saw emotions i never thought i would see in his face ,his eyes , love, i read love but i wasn't sure of it's sincerity, did he really love me or was i reading too much into the situation.

"When i was 6 i was diagnosed with maniac depression after i stabbed a child 5 times in his chest because he was constantly bullying me, he never survived, he died on the spot " he says making me gasp immediately at his confession. "Sometimes when you say or do something that i feel it's disrespectful i feel the urge to hurt you, or do something that's the reason why everytime we argue i walk away because i refuse to hurt you Ntokazi, i love you too much to see you hurting but along time, through this dating shit I've put women before my happiness, I've sacrificed myself to make women happy but they were all using me and leave, after the last women who cheated on me i promised myself one thing, i promised to put myself, my happiness first before i consider another women's feelings, i don't trust easily that's the reason perhaps i seem controlling, i do it because i don't want to invest my heart in a place whereby I'll get hurt, am trying to protect myself and my children, i don't want them getting attached and getting hurt that the reason i seem to get them far away from my personal life, i fear hurting them when close by, i may seem to not have a heart Ntokazi,i might seem like murder who has no feelings towards another but truth is no one is ruthless, no one doesn't have feelings i just seem to have mustured the art of hiding how i truly feel, my problem is that when i love i love deeply and when i get hurt , it's twice as much and i know i have to protect myself because no one has ever protected me my whole life, am my own protector i have always been because of my own condition, everyone around me has always seen me as a tool to gain something that's the reason i swore to never love again, i choose you because you fragile, you not submissive and you fierce one i wouldn't go for because i like submissive, i thought I'll never fall for you and i just wanted you because of my own personal disire, to satisfy me while i do the same and mother my kids" he says before we disturbed by the food brought to us, i look at the appetizing food in front of me that i suddenly doesn't look appetizing and I've lost my appetite how does one have to feel after such revelations, he had his first kill at just 6 years old that seems to give me mixed emotions.

"From the age of 13 years old I've been a tool to my own father, i don't know whether i would call it love or what but he just seemed to like me more than the others seeing the was finally someone following on his foot steps, I've seen worse ntokazi, worse than a 13 year old should on my father's business, i was taught a women obeys me, a women should never argue with me , my mother would say i was indeed my father's son she never liked me much well she did but i was her least favourite child, I've watched my father physically abuse my mother and i was taught that was okay, I've watched my father put my mother in a coma because of his beatings and am not even the first child yet my father felt the need to teach me all about this business from young age , this is all i have ever known till this day i don't know what my real passion is because the teachings i got from my father from young age got through my head , I was made to believe this is what i love what am passionate about and till this age i don't know if i do or i don't" he continues.