You promised

chapter 37

I still see his peacefull face , lying on that soil as i covered him up, my body shaking as tears ran down my eyes, i wasn't shaking from the colders filling my naked body but at the thought of associating  myself in that, the thought he died because of me , i can still feel his silk skin rubbing against mine as i pushed him in the grave ,my skin burn painfully from the scrubbing but i don't stop, i don't stop scrubbing him out of my body, but his picture is on my mind, i watch the bloody bath tube as more tears filled my eyes burning my cheeks ,not only did he make me bury someone but his belt ate my skin up, my back to be specific and i don't even want to call it rape because it's not, he owned me, he legally paid for me and am to blame for everything because i knew the type of person he was and i still went right ahead and married him, i can't blame anyone for this situation am in but myself, maybe just maybe if i had been a good wife and did everything he asked me then this wouldn't have happened, i can't excuse my cheating ways, we had mutual agreement i fulfilled his desires and he did with mine we all had a role in this and yet i broke the rules, i don't know how i would feel if this had been turned the other way around. I liked how his belt ate my skin tearing my back, it made me stop hitting myself mentally for someone's son dying, the bullet on his forehead will forever be a scar that my mind had engraved, the salty water mixed with my mucus ran down to my lips ,i made no exception on wiping any of them, a sob left my mouth as i wrapped my arms on my knees , i flinched clenching my teeth as the water occasionally came in contact with my back but soothing my heart, the water was now cold as i stepped out of the water , i limped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around me, no i wasn't limping because of his belt punishment, he decided against killing me because he 'needed' me , he focused on my back until i could feel my back tearing that wasn't enough after that , the was harsh fucking, i could feel myself minute by minute tearing, and because i 'distributed his food' he focused on my other hole, and yes the one you thinking, his words were 'I'll focus on this one until you learn to not be distributing everything to everyone " he said , i watched blood beneath me fill the sheets , i didn't cry, i didn't scream because it wasn't worth it, i just let him fulfill himself, i just watched him because if that soothed his heartache i did then i deserved it, no matter how horrible it was he deserved it ,i wiped the tears draining the bathtub before walking back to the room, it was perfectly clean , no trace of the events that occured, i lotioned before pushing my naked body in bed, i covered myself with another sheet before attention to sleep but the door sweapt open , he walked in i unintentionally held my breath for a minute, how can one look so handsome a girls dream to being whatever i can call that happened.

"Hey i brought you food " he says pushing the food on my lap, even though i hadn't ate the whole day i wasn't hungry i was just numb, i didn't think my stomach can take anything.

"Thanks " i simply sat soldering up as i sat straight even though it took everything for my muscles to allow me to ,he nodded his head sighing as he dropped his shoulders.

"Am not a monster Ntokazi, i just, i hate being made a fool ,am protecting myself too" he said his face falling, he brushed my cheek after i nodded my head at him, he stood up leaving to the bathroom after that, i heard the shower running before breathing out ,i looked at the food in my lap ,it looked delicious ,like he cooked his heart out, probably he did knowing how cooking was his happy place, how he enjoyed it, i wasn't hungry and if i forced myself to eat i would throw up for sure seeing my stomach was in knots, i stood up tip toing to the dustbin and threw everything inside and walked to put my plate on the sink. My phone rang from the kitchen counter where he left it , i contemplated picking it up but did ,the unknown number flashed on the screen, i sigh clearing my throat.

"Hello" i answered the call ,the person was breathing heavily not saying anything "look if you not going to say anything then I'll drop the call" i said to the person.

"Look am sorry i shouldn't have called" the person said , i frown before hoping it was Rebecca.

"No wai..." she beat me to it dropping the call leaving curiosity dancing on my mind, i couldn't and i knew i wouldn't be able to move on seeing my mind preoccupied by confusion, i tried calling back the number but it didn't go through,  perhaps it wasn't even Rebecca but my gut said something else.

"Are you okay" i jumped from his voice seeing i was so lost on my thoughts i didn't hear him coming in the room, the phone dropped on the floor from my jumping.

"Yeah yeah am okay i just received a call from Langa reminding me about the applications i promised to help" Langa was now my escape a lot ,i knew i was lying but if by chance it was Rebecca i couldn't take that chance ,i needed atleast answers what she wanted to tell me and if he knew that it would jeopardize everything.

"Are you sure" he said giving me the stare that dared me to lie again, i wasn't sure if he knew but i was sticking to one thing.

"Yeah his worried because some universities are closing this month end so he wanted me to help him with the ones here in Johannesburg while gatsha helps with UKZN and some cape town universities" i answered he believed me his face told me exactly that.

"Oh why haven't you started" he asked me wrapping the gown he had on hand on me.

"Oh it's the application fee"i said the only lie i could think at the moment he frown at me ,turning to look at me.

"Why didn't tell me ,i wouldn't have mind giving you extra cash" he said, he was different ,it was like they flipped a switch and he changed.

"How are you feeling , i hate hurting you Ntokazi but you push me to the limits" he said his arms wrapping on my waist i nodded forcing a smile from my lips he seemed satisfied with it,I've hurt him too much to point wrongs in him.